Tag Archives: Wayne Gretzky needs to poop

LWood is… Bitching Again

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 06/26/2010 – 12:08am
Filed under Feature

I haven’t watched the Cardinals/Royals  game yet tonight.  I am going to watch it shortly.

It’s funny; on 95% of nights, I don’t watch the Royals game until at least 10:30-11:00, and I try to avoid places where I may accidentally see the final score.  That means no ESPN, no other baseball games, I can only watch the first 20 minutes of the local news, and I even got busted catching about 3 minutes of game 7 of the NBA finals.  I fucking hate when I accidentally find out the score.  Let’s be honest here; 60% of the games I watch are going to be losses.  But at least I can watch most of the game, and hope that the Royals will stage some magical comeback.   But once I see the score, I will more than likely just delete it, and find something shitty on TV to watch instead.

Because the Cardinals are playing in KC tonight, there is another place that I have to avoid like the plague…

Facebook

I can’t take a chance that one of my classically bandwagon St. Louis “friends” might leak something in their status update.  You know it would be something like, “Felipe*__thinks the cards r gunna win the hole thing this year if they play like they did 2nite in KC.  Go cards!”

*Name changed to protect the idiots.

So since I haven’t watched the game yet, I only have three things that I can blog about tonight.  Those are: 1. The NHL draft 2. Financial Regulatory Reform or 3. The shit that I hate on Facebook (more specifically, status updates).

Let’s go with Facebook.  The following is a list of my five biggest pet peeves that I see in people’s status updates:

5. Random Song Lyrics – I know almost every lyric to every popular song that has been written in the last 30 years.  I am the fucking karaoke king.

Hugh Jerection__ ”Once beneath the stars/the universe was ours/love was all we knew/and all I knew was you.”

Even I cannot figure out what obscure line from a song you just posted.  Two questions for you: 1. What fucking song is that from?  2. Why the fuck is it important that we all see it?

4. Play by play of you watching a game – I am watching the game.  You are watching the game.  Lots of people are watching the game.  I like a little camaraderie during the game.  I usually stick with texts to HP.  What I don’t need to is open my Facebook and see nothing but posts from you…

Seymore Butts__ ”Whew!”

Seymore Butts__ ”That was a travel”

Seymore Butts__ “Come on guys, pull you heads out of you’re a$$e$!”

Seymore Butts__ ”Make a shot, Johnson.”

Seymore Butts__ ”Nice rebound”

You catch my drift.  Those posts would have only covered the final 19 seconds of the game.  Shut the fuck up.  Besides, why are you on Facebook while you’re watching the game anyway?  Just watch the damn game…

3. Work travel schedules – Come on, you have these people.

Oliver Closoff__ ”ORD -> LAX today.  Then LAX -> MCI tomorrow through Thursday.”

I don’t care where the hell you are working this week.  It’s not like I would need to track you down on your hotel land line or something.  If you’re wondering about my schedule this coming week, it is STL -> STL every goddamn day.

2.  How much love you have for your significant other – Yes, I know you love your wife.  You married her, duh?

Mike Hunt__ ”I am so blessed to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world.  She is my light and my rock.  It’s been the best 11 weeks I have ever had.  I love you, Donna!”

I tell my fiancée I love her every day…in the privacy of my own home.  I don’t feel the need to broadcast it to 386 people that I haven’t actually spoken to in four years.  Get a room.

1. Your Exercise – I am pretty sure that I don’t need to explain this to anyone.

Heywood Jablowme__ “Started out thinking I would only run 6 miles this morning, but felt so good at the 5 mile mark, just kept going.  Ended up doing 37 miles before work.  Plus tonight I am at the gym from 7:00-11:00.  Tuesdays are arms and back.  All in a day’s work…”

I hate you.   Besides, for all we know you could be lying.  What time did you finally roll into the office anyway?  Really?  9:00?  Did you start your run yesterday?  It’s a computer program.  If I didn’t have pictures on my page I could tell everyone I was 6’1” 200 lbs. too.

So here is the deal.  If you happen to be one of my Facebook “friends”, and you use any of these five items in you update, I am removing you from my “friend” list.  It’s that simple.

Oh, and don’t tell me the Royals score…

LWood Kellogg__ “Why do I bother/when you’re not the one for me/is enough enough?   Come on Zack!  Oh, of you need me I’ll be traveling to Barcelona in the morning, and Guadalhara in the afternoon.  Before that though I need to take a 20 mile run and a poop.  Oh, and I love you baby!  See you when I get done watching the game…

REACT TO ME!!

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Posted by Lachky on 02/19/2010 – 4:14pm
Filed under Non-Sports

Horray!!  Tiger Woods is back!!  Only he’s not!!  But he apologized!!  Only he didn’t really!!  But maybe he did!!  And he was really genuine!!  Except when he wasn’t!!  What a Fuck-Head!!  I mean, great guy!!

Jeezis…Everybody knew this would happen, didn’t they??  The Tiger Woods Apology Tour Express Rehabilitation Tour is on in full force starting with the Most Important Speech in the History of Golf and Sports and Also in History. 

I tuned in at 10:00 and listened to all 13 ho-hum minutes.  It was…well, what it was.  A guy apologizing for his sins, and letting everybody know that he was turning the page and hoping that they would follow him.  (He was so sincere!!  Only, not!!)  Super. 

But the real fun isn’t trying to dissect his statement.  Noooo, the fun is ripping all of the over-reaction to something that we all knew was going to happen. 

This is gonna be great!!

Tiger Woods is a Real Boy.  A Real Boy!!  by Michael Rosenberg

“This was a real person with real flaws and real failures that he really acknowledged. Tiger has always preferred to sell an image instead of being himself…Ironically, at the moment when Tiger’s image is most at risk, he finally showed us who he is…[he] can’t be an automaton anymore.”

Of course Tiger Woods is a real person with real flaws, but there wasn’t much of that on display today.  He simply said what needed to be said.  Also, the guy is in therapy for sex addiction, and despite whether or not you think his “addiction” should be classified under “being a dude” or not is besides the point.

Therapy (addiction, psychological, marriage or otherwise) is an extremely personal and emotional ordeal, that requires one to look into deep, dark recesses of their psyche.  This is not an easy thing for anybody let alone for someone with the personality of Tiger Woods (or whatever we think the personality of Tiger Woods consists of).  So, I didn’t really expect his presser to take on the feel of a couch session with Freud.  And it didn’t…to everyone but Michael Rosenberg.

Also, is “automaton” even a noun??

How Dare That Phony Piece of Shit Remain a Phony Piece of Shit!!  by Bill Simmons

“The control freak whose life slipped out of control dipped right back into control-freak mode, reading a prepared speech in front of a hand-selected audience of people, taking no questions, talking in clichés and only occasionally seeming human.”

Okay, fair enough, I guess.  One of the criticisms of Woods in the past has been his almost robotic approach to everything in his life; from his preparation, to his interviews, to releasing photos of his kids.  What more, say you, oh Sports Guy??

“Tiger isn’t capable of discussing this stuff with depth or emotion. He can’t ad-lib about his feelings, and never could.”

So the guy incapable of discussing his private life in any sort of emotional or non-robotic way, discussed his private life in a non-emotional and robotic way.  What an asshole!!

I could go on with Billy.  His column is so devoid of any sense, and he contradicts himself more times than he’s referenced Teen Wolf in his columns over the past 10 years it literally made my head spin.  Stick to what you’re best at, Bill.  Namely, talking about Celtics players everybody stopped giving a shit about 20 years ago.

Die You Fucking Capitalist Piggies!!  DIE!!  by Tommy Craggs

“This wasn’t a press conference. This was an advertisement. (Same goes for that staged Getty shoot.) The moment AP, Reuters, and Bloomberg acceded to Tiger’s conditions was the moment they became willing extras in just another Tiger Woods television commercial.”

Oooh, those bastard journalists, and their damned journalisty journalisting!!  How dare they accept an invitation to the story that nobody can shut the fuck up about!!  And to report on such an event with words and phrases that describe the scene they saw!! For shame!!

“And what did these three reporters get in return for their integrity? What vital piece of the story did they provide that they might not have, had they watched Tiger Woods on a glowing box?”

I don’t know??  A front row seat to the story of the decade week??  Should the whole thing have been broadcasted from a bunker in Utah??  Or – ooh!! – how about we just fill RFK stadium, and let everybody go hog-wild?!? 

Jeezis, Tommy.  Stop with this whole “Workers of the world, Unite!!” schtick. And also, stop writing about sports. 

Now the kicker.  From the Nancy Grace of sports journalism: Selena Roberts!!  What say you??

Hey Everybody!!  I’m About to Say Something Stupid!!  by Selena Roberts

“The joyride express for the U.S. had been cruising without one international incident during the Winter Games…And then along comes an ugly American to disrupt the feel-good vibe: Tiger Woods.”

That fucker.  This Olympics would have been flawless if not for him!!  Or that luger dying.  Or Wayne Gretzkey making the Wayne Gretzky Needs to Poop Face.  Or there actually being, you know, snow at the Winter Olympics.  Nope, all Tiger’s fault.  What a dick.

“The Olympic athletes deserve a break, particularly those from the U.S. Over the years they’ve performed in front of global audiences that weren’t especially warm to them. In Athens in 2004, Americans heard boos from crowds who held Bush’s Iraq policy against them. In Turin in 2006, American athletes were ridiculed for being brawlers…In Beijing two years ago, the Americans were battered for being bad guests when several cyclists arrived in smoggy China with masks over their faces. It’s always been something.”

This has absolutely nothing to do with Tiger Woods.

/slaps face

Well, sports fans.  That’s about it.  What’s that??  You want more of the double-exclamation point meme??  Sure!!

Great to see you in public again, Tiger!!  Or Robo-Tiger!!  See you at the Masters!!  Or not!!  Hey, Selena!!  Cee yoU Next Tuesday!!

Little Pucks and Big Ass Rocks

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/16/2010 – 4:02pm
Filed under Feature

I am sure you have all enjoyed the Winter Olympics over the last four days or so.  I mean, what’s not to like about seeing Wayne Gretzky standing, waiting and making a face like he was desperately trying to hold in a huge dump during the opening ceremonies? 

The games have been fun too, with the exception of the tragedy on the luge on Friday.  You have speed skating (which may be more boring than NASCAR), ski jumping (which the USA is so bad at that they don’t even have a team.  I am serious.  The jumpers for the US paid their own way to get there.  Hey, we’re in a recession.), and snow-cross (which is merely a made up sport by ESPN in order to get people to pay attention to the Winter X-Games).  All of those are fine and good.  They must be at least slightly entertaining considering I have fallen asleep on the couch for three consecutive nights watching them.

But they just don’t stack up to the only two REAL reasons to even have the Winter Olympics.

  1. Curling
  2. Hockey

In that order. 

I love hockey.  You know this.  But for all the greatness of hockey, there is something off about Olympic hockey nowadays.  Because they use professional athletes, and because it takes place right in the middle of the NHL season, there a level of disconnect between the players.  They don’t have a chance to play together at all prior to the games.  They don’t get a chance to install a system.  They basically take 20 really, really good players, give them matching uniforms, and throw them on the ice.  Sure, there will be great plays, games, and moments.  But, it will leave something to be desired.  So, let’s start here with what you need to know about Olympic Hockey, and the teams that will compete for Gold.*

*I am not going to talk about some teams.  I mean, Switzerland, come on.  Stick you what you are good at; watch making and straddling the fence.

The Soviets (okay fine, Russia):

Who you know: Alex Ovechkin is unbelievable.  He along with a Canadian I will mention shortly, are the only players recognized by ESPN.  You see his amazing goals on SportsCenter.  He is the best player in the world.

Who you don’t: Pavel Datsyuk.  If you follow the NHL, you may know him.  But if you don’t, you will thanks to the Olympics.  A phenomenal goal scorer, with a  lot of experience.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Based on my knowledge of Russian Olympians (which is entirely based on Ivan Drago in Rockey IV), I am sure they will be given enough drugs to kill a moose. 

The Hosers (okay fine, Canada):

Who you know: Sidney Crosby is the face of Canadian hockey and the NHL.  He will probably be the captain of the team, and he is only like 14 years old or something.  Sid the Kid will get his, and probably lead the heavily favored Hosers deep in the tournament.

Who you don’t: Roberto Luongo is one of the Canadian goalies.  He will probably get a majority of the starts.  Why is that impressive?  Because, their other goalie is Martin Brodeur who is probably the greatest goalie to ever play the game.  A hot goalie can win you the Gold.  That is all you need to know.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: If you haven’t seen strange brew, stop reading this, and rent it.  You’ll see why, eh?

The Soviets Again (okay fine, Czech Republic):

Who you know: Unless you have adopted the Wild as your NHL team, then you probably don’t know Martin Havlat.  He has come on strong the second half of the year, and should play well with that momentum.Well maybe not. 

Who you don’t: Jakub Stepanek.  I don’t know who this is.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: The Czechs have the most Wi-Fi subscribers in all of the European Union.  Maybe they will start reading this column, and make me a big star if I talk about them.

The Heroes (okay fine, Team USA):

Who you know: Patrick Kane beat up a taxi cab driver over $3 in Buffalo.  He is also a great hockey player, and the future of American hockey.

Who you don’t: Probably everyone else.  Watch for Ryan Miller.  He is the goalie for the US, and is having a phenomenal season for the Sabres.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Because that’s who I am rooting for.  Besides, don’t you want to see “Miracle II: the rise of Rafalski”?

So what will happen?  The USA will play very well, but come up short in the semis to Canada.  The hoseheads succumb to the pressure of playing in their homeland, and lose the gold medal to the Russians.  It’ll be fun, though.  Now…

CURLING!!!!!!

A quick explanation of what the hell this is.  Have you ever been drunk at a bar, and all you really want to do is play Golden Tee, but they are all taken by people that are going to play for the rest of the night, so you decide to play that shuffle puck game where you have to keep scraping the wax crumbs up with a coaster?  You haven’t.  Well that’s what it’s like.

Each team has four players.  The teams take turns sliding 40 lb. stones 90 feet down ice towards a target.  After 8 stones each, the team who has the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point for each stone inside the other teams closest stone.  I know, you didn’t get that.  You play 10 innings called “ends”.  At the end of 10, highest score wins. 

You’re probably thinking, “this sounds stupid.”  It’s not.  This sport is like bowling for Canadians.  They do it on Saturday nights while drinking beer.  Any sport where you are encouraged to drink beer is a sport that we should believe in.  I dare you to watch one curling match, and then tell me that you will not ever watch one again.  It is addictive.

As for who will win, probably Canada.   The USA will be around, but a medal would be an upset.  But that’s not the point.  This sport needs to get some legs here in America.  We need wealthy people to watch the Olympics, think “that seems like fun”, and open curling rinks. 

Still need a reason to watch?  Okay, they have a ladies curling competition as well.  Meet team Canada.

We stand on guard for thee.