Tag Archives: TARP

TARP, TP, and the Royals

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 05/19/2010 – 11:36pm
Filed under Kansas City Royals

We all make mistakes.

It’s absolutely true.  I do it all the time.  No one is immune to it.  The question is can you admit when you have made that mistake, learn from it, and better yourself.  Dayton Moore did just that last week when he realized that hiring a white guy from Japan to be your manager just because he has a cool moustache, does not a winning baseball team make.

I will now follow suit with Mr. Moore.  I too, have erred.

My last column, in which I was going to weed out candidates for the 2010 Royals MVP, was fucking stupid.  I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea at the time.  Deep down, I knew it wasn’t sustainable for me to continue with that for NINE MORE COLUMNS.  So I am admitting that it was a mistake, and I am cutting ties with it.  Besides, we all know that Mike Aviles is going to win anyway, and I didn’t even have him on the list.

Now that we have that out of the way, how ‘bout them Royals?!?!?!?  Thank God that D-Mo realized it was time for a change.  Of course, it was time for a change in June of 2009 but who’s counting?  I have watched all but two of the Royals games this season.  One of them I have recorded, but I know what happens (they win). So I am saving that for rainy day.  The other was last night’s disaster at Baltimore.  I missed this one to drink, and play “Name That Tune Trivia” at a bar.*

*The bar I go to has the MLB package.  It has about 12-15 TVs.  It is usually only occupied by about 30-40 people.  So why didn’t I see the game?  Because people in St. Louis are assholes (or for you Ke$ha fans: As$holes), that’s why.  God forbid the Cardinals are playing.  Every TV in the bar is being watched individually by, it seems, one guy.  The only TV not tuned to the Cardinals game is showing the NHL Conference Finals.  Of course, there’s some redneck in a San Jose Sharks Starter jacket sitting glued to that one…in May…in Missouri.  FML.

Based on my experience with the Royals over the years, and judging by what I have seen this far this season, my first (and most reasonable) inclination is to predict that the Royals will finish last in the AL Central and second to last in the American League.  Many of you would probably agree with me.  But that was before I was taking a dump at work yesterday.

Since the bank that I work for has not paid back the TARP money you lent us, we have a lot of restrictions placed on us by regulators.  These include not being able to expand our branches, limits on executive pay, etc.  We also have terrible toilet paper.  I am convinced that someone has told us we cannot have nice TP until we repay that government money.  That is the only logical conclusion I can come to as to why any company would provide this sand paper to its employees.

Did the Glass family receive any sort of bailout?  I am just wondering because they seem to trot out what appears to be a pretty substandard product as well. 

Anyway, so I was scraping my ass at work when I realized something; while it may be uncomfortable in the beginning, the horrible toilet paper actually gets the job done better in the end than the fancy stuff I have at home. It gets me clean better.  It doesn’t fall apart.  That three ply quilted stuff just seems to shred in your hand when you really are working hard, and that double roll brand absorbs about as well as wax paper.  But not the crappy work TP.  Plus, you can use as much as you like, and because it’s so thin, it cannot clog the toilet.

So what’s the point?  You don’t always get what you pay for.  Sometimes, the crappy work toilet paper comes out of nowhere and surprises you.  That’s why I think the Royals will win the AL Central.

Toilet paper…

Yes, that’s what I am clinging to.  Speaking of clinging, that dingleberry Betancourt just committed another error to give the Indians a 1-0 lead.

The Royals Rebate

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 07/21/2009 – 11:55pm
Filed under Kansas City Royals

It’s 11:00pm in the Midwest, I have finally started watching the second half of the Royals-Angels double header (sorry, but at this point, when I have to make a “prime time” television decision, I choose Big Brother and the premier of Hell’s Kitchen), and I am paying bills.   I like paying bills because, well, I am a banker by trade.    I like numbers.  It’s what I am good at.  I am not good at tracking baseballs hit directly at me with a broken bat, and neither is Alberto Callaspo based on what I saw in the 1st inning.    So, as I am paying my punch in the gut cable bill, I was wondering just one thing…

Based on the purchase price of the MLB Extra Innings package, what am I really getting for my* hard earned money.  I mean, we all know the product stinks in Seattle, uh, KC.  I haven’t watched a single other team’s game because, well, who cares?  I don’t do fantasy baseball because I would get fired for devoting as much time as it takes to win, and no one would pay my cable bill (or maybe Barack’s got this round).  Or I would lose, and I don’t want to do that.

*It may be your money.  My employer received about $7 billion in TARP funds from you to stay afloat, and I have no idea what we are doing with it because we are not lending it.  I should form my own bank holding company.  Then I could get TARP funds.  I would merely explain to the treasury that I squandered all of my money on watching Royals baseball and drinking Three Buck Chuck from Trader Joe’s.

No, I am truly struggling with this cost benefit analysis.  So let’s do the math, shall we?

So the MLB package cost me $170.00 back in April.  The cable company was nice enough to bill me over 4 months for this.  They were also nice enough to charge me $1.99 to “add a service”.  Awesome on both counts.  Since the Royals have won a whopping 37 games this season; I have paid $4.90 per win.  Yes, I am forfeiting a pack of cigarettes to see each of the Royals’ wins.*

*No I am not.  I am still smoking.  I just stopped paying for my dog’s heartworm medication.  Let’s hope watching John Buck stroke a double to left center will prevent deadly parasites.  It can’t hurt.

Now, obviously, the Royals will win another game.  In fact, they are on pace to win 65 of them.  That means that, come the end of the season, I will have paid $2.62 per win.  That’s better.  It’s only a draught beer at happy hour per game.  But based on what I have seen, I am not really willing to pay more than $1 per win.  What to do?

But I just noticed something interesting.  It seems that the MLB is offering the second half of the MLB package for $130.  Well, that means (and frankly I agree) that the first half of the season should have only cost me $40.  Where is the Royals rebate??  I don’t want to watch 70 more games of Yuniesky Betancourt, Bruce Chen, or Ryan Freel.  I don’t want any more Sydney Ponson, Kyle Farnsworth, or Jamon Cruzahay (that’s my hybrid term for Wright, Cruz, and Mahay).  I have to get this cost down.  So, if MLB granted me my wish, and mailed me a check for the extra $130 that I don’t really want to spend, can I get this down to under a buck per win???  Nope, at $40 for up to this point, I still paid $1.08 per win.  Crap.

I got it.  I can achieve my fiscal goals by merely getting three favors from three different entities.

  1. Major League Baseball mails me a check for $130, and
  2. Barack Obama agrees to federally subsidize my overpayment per Royals win of $2.96 ($.08 per game), and
  3. The Royals win three more games this season

Is it sad that #2 is the most realistic?  Now, where did I put my smokes?