Tag Archives: Major League is eerily similar to the Royals

Does This Still Work?

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 08/24/2010 – 12:14am
Filed under Kansas City Royals

Seriously, does this thing still work?  With Bellweather and me on our Whitlock-esque summer vacations*, I wasn’t even sure my passwords still worked.  I know my direct deposit stopped…

*I’ll let you figure out which one of us got fired like him, too.

Anyway, so here I am.  How have you been?   I am good.  Made the final payment on my MLB package this month.  So now, I am watching the Royals suck for free (at least that’s how I look at it.)  Speaking of watching the Royals suck; hey the Royals suck.  Actually, I am watching Bruce Chen right now.  I am getting the Detroit feed, and the announcers were discussing how Chen used to have “a little more zip” on his fastball, and a good changeup.  Now he has had to be “more crafty” with his arm slot and pitch selection.  This is code for “Old dude who is filling a slot until someone, anyone frankly, can come along and take his place”.

But it got me thinking about  something.  No, it did not involve a noose, any amount of pills or a razor blade.  No, it actually drew a nice parallel to one of my favorite teams of all time. Let’s see if you can guess.  I will provide you with the current Royals player plus some details of how he relates to someone on this “team from the past” I am thinking of.  See how long it takes you to figure out which team I am thinking of.

Here we go…

Bruce Chen – A crafty veteran, who doesn’t have much left in his arm.  Because of this he has to use anything possible to be successful.  He’ll toss every piece of junk he’s got just to get guys out.

Jason Kendall – Veteran, no really veteran catcher who is really just looking for one more good summer in the sun.  No word on how much time he spends at the KC library.

Kila Kia’ahua – Foreign (at least as far as I am concerned) guy with a lot of power, but not even Jesus can help him hit a curve ball.

Got it???  Yeah, it’s Major League.  This is so effed up, it’s kind of ridiculous.  Let’s take this further…

(By the way, the first three were Harris, Jake, and Cerrano)

Bryan Bullington – Young guy with a good arm who has continually struggled with control.  Give this guy a bad haircut and a dangly earring, and we’re in business.

Wilson Bettemit – This guy is the black Roger Dorn.  I mean, veteran guy, okay bat, terrible in the field, and looking for an okay year so he can go free agent.  Plus, I am pretty sure Bullington slept with his wife*.

*I can’t back that up, but I think we should start that rumor anyway.  Maybe it’ll light a fire under someone.

Ned Yost – Yeah, I know he doesn’t have a moustache, but he is a sap that actually believes the Royals are worth a damn, just like Lou Brown.  At the All-Star break, he suggested that this team was still in the hunt for the division.  No word on how his naked cut-out of David Glass went over.

Chris Getz – Look, I know that he doesn’t play the right position, but if I told you one of the current Royals ran like Hayes but hit like Shit, who would you think I was talking about??  If only we could get Chris to do pushups every time he looks Special Olympic-ish at the plate.

Ryan Lefebvre – Come on, he’s just like Harry Doyle!  A drunk…wait, I am thinking of Dan Mclaughlin.  Sorry, wrong side of Missouri.

Thanks for having some fun with me tonight.  HP keeps telling me that the Royals have a bunch of talent coming up soon.  I hope he’s right.  Because if Mike Moustakas and Will Myers end up like Isuro Tanaka and Rube Baker, we’re in deep shit again.

Maybe we can get Omar Epps to replace Getz at second, and just hope that no one notices…

Hey, I guess this thing does still work.

Why Am I Still Awake At 3:13am?

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 04/07/2010 – 12:07pm
Filed under Feature, Non-Sports

Most of you that have read my columns sort of understand how my sports watching schedule goes.  For those of you who don’t, here is a taste.  This is how it works 99.998% of the time.

In the early evening, I am usually watching normal prime time shows like American Idol.  This is because I have a wonderful fiancée that I would like to actually marry me. The last thing I need to do in this situation is subject her to the torture that is watching the Wild or the Royals.  Then when she goes to bed, I watch the game that I recorded earlier in the evening. This allows me to sit on the couch in silence as my dreams of actually having a team I like win a championship (or even make the playoffs) are dashed time and time again. 

But this routine presents a problem.  It conditions me to a schedule of staying up late every single night.  As you know, there is not a game every single night.  So, on those nights, I usually end up just watching TV.  But there is a bigger problem.  Inevitably, I find a movie on TV that is just starting at midnight or later.  These movies are the kind that I cannot turn off.  Bellweather and I touched on this in a conversation during KU’s weekend here in St. Louis for the Regional Finals (SHIT!!!!!).  He agreed that there were some movies that just cannot be turned off no matter what time it is.  Here is a complete analysis of these movies for me.  Besides, there was no Royals/Wild game last night, and I am pretty sure Bellweather covered the season opener for the Royals…

Movies that I must watch no matter what freaking time it is…

10. Fletch – I was sitting at a bar last night with a couple of friends.  My buddy Brett ordered a steak sandwich.  The only appropriate response to that order is to say, “I’ll have a bloody Mary, a steak sandwich, and a…steak sandwich, please.”  If you don’t know what I am talking about, then you have not seen Fletch, and you should be ashamed.  Stop reading this, go to Netflix, and queue it right now.  It may be one of the most quotable movies ever behind only nos. 4 and 1 on this list.  It is also the only “good” movie starring Chevy Chase other than no. 4.  “What kind of a name is Poon, anyway?”  “Camanche Indian.”

9. Harry Potter Movies (any after the first two) – Look, I know what you’re thinking.   I have answers to both of your questions.  1. My fiancée is a woman.  2. I am not required to register with any government agency when I move.  Bottom line is that these movies are awesome.  The effects are great, and the story line is compelling (while completely predictable).  The first two stink because they spend way too much time establishing the story line, and introducing a villain who doesn’t actually come back for a few more movies.  But the last four have been exceptional.  Get past yourself, and watch them.  You’ll be hooked. 

8. Starship Troopers – I have no idea what I am so addicted to this movie.  It is so over the top bad that you almost have to think that they made it that way intentionally.  The cast reads like a list of castoff 90210 extras…Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris…I can go on.  But the effects are awesome, the plot is cool, and you get to see Van Dien overacting the line “Come on you apes!  You wanna live forever?!?!”  Awesome. 

7. Die Hard – This goes for the original AND the “With a Vengeance” version.  You are not a real guy if you are able to switch channels during either of these movies.  John McClain is a badass.   Yippe-ki-yay… End of story.

6. Days of Thunder – NASCAR sucks.  That is, unless Maverick is racing a car for a team owned by Cousin Eddie, and managed by Vito’s Consiglieri.  And that’s exactly what we have here.  Standard 80’s Tom Cruise movie plot; Hero is awesome, has something bad happen to him, loses his confidence, has a supportive chick, and wins in the end.  Sounds remarkably similar to…

5. Top Gun – You know I love this movie.  I own it on DVD, and yet I have a version of it recorded on my DVR so that I don’t have to get up from the couch and put the DVD in.  Severely quotable, Top Gun may be the greatest action movie of all time.  There, I said it.

4. Caddyshack – THE MOST QUOTABLE MOVIE EVER.  But here is the kicker; don’t quote Caddyshack unless you know the line front and back.  I hate when people butcher Caddyshack lines.  If you say something like, “So I was caddying for the Dali Llama…” in my presence, you can expect to be corrected at a minimum, but more likely slapped silly. The scene where Ty and Danny are discussing Danny’s future may be the single greatest exchange in all of movie history. “What’s wrong with lumberyards??  I own three lumberyards.”  “I notice you don’t spend much time there.”  “I’m not sure where they are.”

3. Major League – The only instance in history where taking a movie that is full of swearing, and editing it for TV actually made the movie better.  The unintentional comedy of Dorn walking up to Vaughn in the ninth inning and saying, “I’ve only got one thing to say to you.  Strike this [GUY] out!!!” is priceless.  An evil owner puts together a roster of horrible players, hoping that they lose so badly that they have no attendance, and the team can move.  This is a story that all Royals fans should be able to relate to.  Except for the end, when they actually win.

2. Hoosiers – Do I even need to explain this one?  It’s the greatest sports movie ever made.  If you haven’t seen it, then leave this site and never return.  You know nothing about sports. 

1. A Few Good Men – This movie gets my vote for best overall movie of all time.  The story line is electric, the acting is great, and if you can’t quote at least 85% of Jessup’s “You can’t handle the truth” monologue, then I feel sorry for you.  I may or may not have used the line, “Thank you for playing ‘Should We or Should We Not Follow the Advice of the Galacticly Stupid’!” at work during a meeting.  See this movie, own this movie, don’t you dare turn this movie off…ever.

Honorable mention to PCU, Slap Shot, Armageddon, The Color of Money, Wall Street, Iron Eagle, Con Air, and Made.  If you have any that you think I missed, let me know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com.

So there you have it.  I should probably explore the “Major League/Royals Corollary”, but I’ll leave that for another day.  Until then, enjoy baseball, and whatever movie happens to come on after the game is over.