Tag Archives: Larry Johnson

Ups and Downs

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 11/17/2009 – 3:51pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College

Well, sometimes things just can’t find the direction that they want to go.  Have you ever had one of those days, where when one thing goes well, another seems to tank?  Of course you have.  Since you are reading things on this site, you are probably a Kansas City sports fan.  If you haven’t had one of those days, you just did.   And away we go…

 

CY GREINKE

WE all know that this was an easy decision.  But we also know that some in baseball’s elite would have loved to ignore the numbers, and give this to someone from a more successful baseball city.  This is validation for all of us who watched almost every Royals’ debacle last year*.   As we watched Zack dazzle us with upper 90’s fastballs followed by knee-buckling curveballs in the 60’s we knew.  Even though Zack would get no run support, and sometimes even lose a game in which he gave up one or fewer runs, we knew. So to all you so called experts out there, take that.  Now, just wait for the trade…Anyway, there’s an upper…

*Some of us even paid money to watch every one of these train-wrecks last season.

LJ FITS IN

Larry Johnson signs with the Bengals.  Good riddance, I know.  But why couldn’t he have gone somewhere with no hope of being successful?  I mean, there is no doubt that, if there is anywhere that this delinquent could fit in, it would be Cincinnati.  But they have also shown that they can take a seemingly washed up running back, and make him good again.  Exhibit A: Cedric Benson.  Anyone who is playing fantasy football knows that this guy was the steal of the year.  Plus, to make matters worse, LJ now gets to play for an almost sure fire playoff team.  The Bengals have a two game lead, and own the tie breaker against the Steelers in the AFC North.  And who will Cincinnati get to steamroll at home two days after Christmas?  That’s right…downer…

ALL STAR GAME (almost) OFFICIAL

Comcast Sports New England is reporting that Kansas City will officially be announced as the site of the 2012 All Star game.  Again, we pretty much all knew this, but it is still exciting.  Please take a moment to give thanks to MLB for instituting the “every team must have one all-star” rule.  Yeah, Zack’s contract runs out that same year.  You think he won’t be ready to bolt, or most likely traded by then?  I can’t wait to see Wilson Bettemit in that All-Star uniform.  Still, that brings a lot of fanfare to our beloved team.  Maybe we’ll even get a nationally televised game sometime after that.  Good news KC…wait for it…

BOWE HAS DIARRHEA

Dwayne Bowe has been suspended for four games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy.  Apparently, he was trying to lose weight during training camp, and decided that using a banned diuretic would be the best way.  Look, I am not an expert on losing weight, but I do know that all you have to do is burn more calories than you take in. How many calories do you think an average (term used very loosely) wide receiver in the NFL burns a day at training camp??  Way more than I do writing these columns, I can tell you that.  Just don’t eat Dwayne!  You don’t have to give yourself the runs to lose weight.  Just work hard!  I think I am starting to get the picture with Mr. Bowe…bummer…

KU FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE PUSSIES

So you aren’t living up to expectations.  I understand.  But rather than take your lumps, and move on, definitely tell your mom that your coach yelled at you inappropriately.  My god, is this what it has come to?  You’re adults.  I have been yelled at “inappropriately” by any number of people in my life.  Get over yourselves, and maybe become bowl eligible.  Candy asses…

 KU IN THE LOU

HP and I are headed down to the Scottrade Center tonight for the KU-Memphis matchup.  Stay tuned for a blog about this one.  GO KU!!!  ROCK CHALK!!!

OUT OF OPTIONS

I’ll let you read this for yourself.  Click Here.   I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s just the kind of day KC is having.  Talk to you in a day or two…

Dear Larry

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 11/11/2009 – 4:38pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

Dear Larry Johnson,

 First off, thank you.  Thank you for everything that you did back in 2005 and 2006.  When Priest Holmes went down with a hip injury that made us all cringe, you were there to “take the diapers off”, and pick up where he left off.  You were awesome.  Seeing you dive into the end zone with no time left to win a game against the Raiders was so cool.  Watching you barrel through the middle of defenses was amazing.  You never were going to break away from a chasing tackler, but you didn’t care.  You had no intention of being tackled by him anyway.  You would just carry him with you into the end zone again.  So yeah, do we owe you some praise?  Absolutely.  Did you make KC Chiefs football enjoyable for us fans for a few years?  No doubt.  You were great.  Thanks.

That being said, fuck off.  Go away.  We don’t owe you a thing.  You have made your millions.  Whether or not you have any of them left is quite another question.  We don’t care.  Go anywhere; just don’t come back here.  And don’t think that we ever want you back here.  Did I really hear this quote from you yesterday?

“Hopefully, maybe someday, when I’m 33, 34, and I’ve still got a little bit of burn left, they’ll let me come back and get those yards.”

This made me feel like I was in the middle of dumping a girlfriend, and she just asked if we were going to remain close.  Uh, no.  No thanks.  Look, I know that we are not a good football team.  We are young.  We need to get some more talent.  But what we don’t need is you, your 1.8 ypc this season, you off the field shenanigans, your Twitter account, or your name on the Chiefs’ record books. 

I know that someone will sign you.  It may even be this week.  Lord knows there are enough shitty teams in the NFL.  Maybe they can use you.  You claim to have “competitive issues”.  I guess “competitive issues” roughly translates to “I have no idea how to act like an adult or how to be appreciative of all the blessings I have in life”.  So yeah, enjoy Washington D.C. or Tampa Bay.  You won’t be missed. 

So many times, over the last few years, you screwed up.  You would get caught, your agent would issue a statement, you would apologize, promise that you would change, and then never live up to your word.  Here is another quote from you yesterday:

“I started in Kansas City,” Johnson said. “I wouldn’t have no problem going back and trying to finish my career in Kansas City.”

I pray that you re-read, and live up to that statement, moron.

Regards,

L. Wood Kellogg

Enough With The Tweeting

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 10/28/2009 – 3:24pm
Filed under Feature

Whenever I go with Hipolito Pichardo to our favorite sports bar to watch a game, he has an annoying habit.  HP always insists that we turn the sound way up on whatever TV we are at so that we can hear the announcers and the players.  I have no idea why.  Most of the time they add about as much value to a game as shots of celebrities in the crowd.  Why do we listen to this crap??  Why do we care what athletes say.

 LJ’s latest verbal diarrhea has been well documented.  I have read all kinds of analysis regarding his tweets and subsequent apology and subsequent banishment from Arrowhead, and I have a hint for you sports writers out there.  You ready???

 I DON’T CARE.

 I don’t.  I couldn’t be more apathetic towards what these athletes say on their facebook accounts.  I got on facebook today.  The most interesting thing I read was someone talking about how they felt John Grisham’s new novel sucks.  And that was from someone I know.  I don’t care about Tyshawn’s broken English.  I care more about his broken finger. 

 Andre Agassi used crystal meth, lied about it, and is coming clean.   Hmmmm, yup, I don’t care.  There are enough problems in the world.  You think using Meth makes you special, Andre??  I live in Missouri.  Most people here use meth.*

 *That’s a total lie.  Well…

 Bob Griese has been suspended by ESPN for making, what may have been, a racist remark about Juan Pablo Montoya.   Again, I don’t care.  Who cares that Bob thinks that tacos were invented in Colombia.  I would have been more interested had he referred to Montoya as Pablo Escobar.  Or if he had said, “maybe he went out for some cocaine”.  

 Steve Phillips is banging an ugly intern.  I don’t…uh…actually, I do care on this one.  Why is Steve nailing this girl?  She is horrible looking.  My god.   Steve, buddy, I don’t know what your wife looks like (googling…), okay I do now.    She’s not perfect, but what the hell???

 Anyway, I guess my point is that if the media would just ignore these people and their tweets, posts, e-mails and interns, they would probably just stop making them.  Now, I am off to update my facebook status:

 L. Wood Kellogg is…getting a taco, banging an intern, and doing meth.

Larry Johnson is As Good At Speaking English as He is at Playing Football

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Posted by Lachky on 10/26/2009 – 5:06pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

For those of you who don’t know, your boy Bellwether is a pretty accomplished musician.  I have rocked out with my cock out for years with a few weekend warrior friends over the past few years, and have even released albums and toured the Midwest (in a van!!  RAWK!!). 

Now, I fancy myself as pretty damn good, and do generally take bad reviews with at least a little twinge of anger and jealousy.  Still, though, any well of comebacks that I reach into is utterly devoid of pointlessness.  You see, you’d never catch me in a retort saying something like this:

“Oh, Yeah!?!?  Well my Dad went to college at the University of Illinois in Champaign, and you know who the biggest bar band in Champaign was when he went there??  REO Speedwagon!!  Yeah!!  Think about that the next time you say my bass playing sucks!!  My dad went to the bars in college to watch REO!!”*

* All 100% True, BTW…

And do you know why I would never resort to such folly??  Because I’m not an insane person…but Larry Johnson is!! 

What other conclusion could one draw from these tweets from LJ following the Chief’s 37-7 drubbing at the hands of the Chargers.  Said [sic’d] tweets include:

“my father got more creditentials than most of these pro coaches. … google my father!!!!!!!”

…and…

“My father played for the coach from “rememeber the titans”. Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn”

Zing, indeed.

What your father playing for a coach characterized (read: Disney’d-up) by Denzel Washington would have to do with your football acumen is beyond me, but using that as an example of how much more in-tune with the gridiron you are than a man who was breaking down film with one of the most accomplished NFL executives of all time (his father) from the age of six is down right, well…LJ-esque.  

So, I’ll give you a multiple-choice question about where this story goes from here.

1.) LJ apologizes, immediately announces that he will donate half of his 2009 salary to charity.  He also buys the whole team a giant cake (and who doesn’t love cake!!)

2.) LJ shoves Len Dawson to the ground while simultaneously spitting a drink on him and waiving a gun in the air.

3.) LJ returns to the Chief’s locker room, shuns reporters and calls Jamal Charles a faggot. 

(Don’t lie…you actually thought it might be #2 for a second there…)

I’m not going to use this space to rail (any more) on LJ, pontificate on his strange career, or speculate on the fact that said career might soon include a swift departure out of the Chief’s front door.  It is clear that LJ, the most visible hangover (term used literally) from the Carl Peterson era epitomizes everything wrong with this team at the moment: moody, angering, and not at all capable of playing football.  Larry Johnson can suck a cock (no homo).

The Jersey Conundrum

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 08/17/2009 – 12:10am
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

I just happened to read Bellweather’s Chiefs blog, and it dawned on me that football season has arrived.  The beginning of football season means a lot of things for me.  It means I need to start looking at my fantasy sheets, and preparing for my draft.  It means that I probably need to get on Lipitor in anticipation of the chicken wings coming my way.  And this year*, it means it’s time for a new Chiefs jersey.

*I have a Priest Holmes jersey, but it’s about time to let that go.  Plus, it’s a white Chiefs jersey.   It was a gift.  Who the hell buys someone an away jersey??  Why would I want to wear this??  I hate people that wear the away jersey of their team.  They are only slightly ahead on the douche-bag scale of people who wear a hat or jersey of a team from another sport, but from the same town to a game (i.e. wearing your cardinals hat to a rams game) and wearing the jersey to a game of a team that is not playing (i.e. a Packers jersey to a Cardinals-Padres game).

But the question arises; what jersey do I want?  So I am on NFLshop.com, and there are 47 different players I can get on a Chiefs jersey (I shit you not!!).  You would not believe the players that are available.  I encourage you to check it out for a good laugh.  I have decided that I will determine my choice based on how well I can defend my jersey to some a-hole giving me shit while watching a game in a bar in St. Louis.   Here are a few options and my comebacks…

76 Brandon Albert: Yeah, well, he’s probably the only draft pick we’ve had in the last five years that will still be playing for us when the Rams move to Los Angeles.

7 Matt Cassel: Oh yeah?  I’m pretty sure he stocked groceries at some point just like Kurt…

51 J.P. Darsche: No, he doesn’t play for us, but he did.  Who’s your long snapper?  You don’t even know…

72 Glen Dorsey: At least he hasn’t killed anyone while driving drunk…too low?

2 Dustin Colquitt: He’s our best offensive weapon…

56 Derrick Johnson: Most upper echelon linebackers don’t find their groove until their 7th or 8th year…

84 John Paul Foschi: (I have no idea who this is.  Thanks Wikipedia!) Fo-Schi is Fo-sho!!!  Man I am reaching here…

27 Larry Johnson: Yeah, call me and let me know what Steven Jackson looks like in two years…

9 Nick Novack: (yes, this is available) Oh yeah, um, well, uh, …uh, um, er, DON DENKINGER!!!!

I suppose you can use that last one no matter which jersey you choose.