In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks from the NFL Draft.  Today: Iowa TE Tony Moeaki

Pros: He’s from freaking Iowa!!  Woo Hoo!!  Hey, that’s where I live, and having to deal with the insufferable Hawkeye fans talking themselves into thinking their program is on par with Ohio State and Michigan every year notwithstanding, I have become somewhat of an Iowa bandwagoneer.  Iowa being a Big Ten school, this doesn’t infringe on my KU fandom.

Here’s what you need to know about Iowa football: they play just like the Chiefs.  Well, not like these Chiefs, but the good old 1990’s Chiefs teams you used to know and love.  Last year, against Penn State, Iowa allowed a 63 yard opening touchdown drive.  They did not allow Penn State past the 35 yard line the rest of the game.  They play a tough front four, have an excellent pass rush, and absolutely shut you down on the corners.  On offense, they’re content with pounding the ball, and playing the field position game.

So what does Tony Moeaki have to do with any of this??  Well, he’s that hard-nosed, do-anything type of player that Pioli (and good friend and Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz) loves.  Need a block??  He’ll do it.  Need a first down catch over the middle??  He’ll do it.  Good.  Solid.  Moeaki.

Cons: He’s not Tony Gonzalez.  The comparisons started coming in right off the bat (LOOK!!  His name is Tony, too!!), but let’s be honest.  Tony Gonzalez is the greatest TE to ever play the game.  The resemblance seems ridiculous to me, but there’s going to be some Chiefs fans who will tune in week 6 and see that Moeaki only has one TD reception, and think of him as a disappointment.  This is inevitable, especially since we moved up in the third round to take him. 

We’re not going to pay Moeaki to make TD receptions.  We’re going to pay him to play an adequate, solid, un-spectacular tight end.  And that he can do.  He’s not flashy, and will not awe you with any aspect of his game, but he can hold his own…and that’s what this offense needs. 

That is, if he can stay healthy.  If there’s one knock on Moeaki, it’s his propensity to get injured.  He’s broken wrists, elbows, foots, strained hammys and calfs, but still made it onto the field.  We’ll have to cross our fingers and hope that he can relieve some pressure on not only Matt Cassell, but also Dwayne Bowe and Dexter McCluster.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.  I was talking with his former head coach Kirk Ferentz at Iowa the other day.  You know what Ferentz told me??  He said that this guy Moeaki is the best fucking Tight End he’s ever coached.  Now, I don’t know anything about Kirk Ferentz, but the guy seemed to know what he was talking about.  And I tell you what about this kid Moeaki.  He might not be able to stomp any taints, but if you ask him to stomp some taints, he’s damn well gonna try to stomp some taints.  This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: Swiffer WetJet

You’ve seen it.  It’s fucking awful.  Lady buys a Swiffer WetJet.  Old mop is thrown out by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  Old mop is dejected.  Old mop sees old broom.  Old broom had previouly been rejected by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  “Who’s that Lady” plays.  Old mop is attracted to old broom.  Old mop and old broom live happily ever after.  I stab myself in the brain with a grapefruit spoon.

Here’s the thing about that commercial, though.  It’s not for you.  You are not the target audience.  It is for middle-aged housewives who actually have to stay home and clean up after your disgusting-ass self.  And you know what??  Middle-aged housewives love that shit.  I mean they just eat it up.  They think, “Oh, that’s so funny!!  Look at how cute those two mops are!!  I wish my husband still looked at me that way.  Maybe I should get the Ab Circle Pro out from underneath the bed…where’s that box of Milanos??”  You see, this draft pick is not for you, either.  You want touchdowns.  Football coaches what a player they can forget about in terms of whether or not he’ll do his job.  

Also, the Swiffer is not an absolute necessity.  It gets the job done, but an old mop could get the job done too.  Sure, that old mop wouldn’t be ideal; it would leave some scuff marks.  But the Swiffer not only sweeps, it cleans and polishes, too!!  We could have continued on with an old mop off the scrap heap.  Or we could have held on to our Cortech 485446 Floor Polisher.  Instead we got a Swiffer.  You spend a few extra bucks on it when you go to Target, and it’s there when you need it.