Opening Day - Tons of Strikeouts
Tag Archives: Kansas City Royals
This is a Do Over
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Filed under Updates
Can we start over?
Welcome to KCSportsPod… KCSportsChat.com! That’s right, we changed our domain and our look (a little). But calm down, I know all two of you are dedicated podcast listeners, so the podcast won’t go away, it will just focus on quality and not quantity. Now our focus is more geared for providing a community for live sporting events related to Kansas City. Things like Royals Opening Day, the NFL Draft, Sporting KC versus Europe, and other significant events. We know how much it sucks when MLB GameDay lags at work and you can’t get a radio signal. Or when you live on a small island in the Pacific and no one is a Chiefs fan to ask about the latest news. We’ve got you covered.
Here’s how you can participate:
Does This Still Work?
Filed under Kansas City Royals
Seriously, does this thing still work? With Bellweather and me on our Whitlock-esque summer vacations*, I wasn’t even sure my passwords still worked. I know my direct deposit stopped…
*I’ll let you figure out which one of us got fired like him, too.
Anyway, so here I am. How have you been? I am good. Made the final payment on my MLB package this month. So now, I am watching the Royals suck for free (at least that’s how I look at it.) Speaking of watching the Royals suck; hey the Royals suck. Actually, I am watching Bruce Chen right now. I am getting the Detroit feed, and the announcers were discussing how Chen used to have “a little more zip” on his fastball, and a good changeup. Now he has had to be “more crafty” with his arm slot and pitch selection. This is code for “Old dude who is filling a slot until someone, anyone frankly, can come along and take his place”.
But it got me thinking about something. No, it did not involve a noose, any amount of pills or a razor blade. No, it actually drew a nice parallel to one of my favorite teams of all time. Let’s see if you can guess. I will provide you with the current Royals player plus some details of how he relates to someone on this “team from the past” I am thinking of. See how long it takes you to figure out which team I am thinking of.
Here we go…
Bruce Chen – A crafty veteran, who doesn’t have much left in his arm. Because of this he has to use anything possible to be successful. He’ll toss every piece of junk he’s got just to get guys out.
Jason Kendall – Veteran, no really veteran catcher who is really just looking for one more good summer in the sun. No word on how much time he spends at the KC library.
Kila Kia’ahua – Foreign (at least as far as I am concerned) guy with a lot of power, but not even Jesus can help him hit a curve ball.
Got it??? Yeah, it’s Major League. This is so effed up, it’s kind of ridiculous. Let’s take this further…
(By the way, the first three were Harris, Jake, and Cerrano)
Bryan Bullington – Young guy with a good arm who has continually struggled with control. Give this guy a bad haircut and a dangly earring, and we’re in business.
Wilson Bettemit – This guy is the black Roger Dorn. I mean, veteran guy, okay bat, terrible in the field, and looking for an okay year so he can go free agent. Plus, I am pretty sure Bullington slept with his wife*.
*I can’t back that up, but I think we should start that rumor anyway. Maybe it’ll light a fire under someone.
Ned Yost – Yeah, I know he doesn’t have a moustache, but he is a sap that actually believes the Royals are worth a damn, just like Lou Brown. At the All-Star break, he suggested that this team was still in the hunt for the division. No word on how his naked cut-out of David Glass went over.
Chris Getz – Look, I know that he doesn’t play the right position, but if I told you one of the current Royals ran like Hayes but hit like Shit, who would you think I was talking about?? If only we could get Chris to do pushups every time he looks Special Olympic-ish at the plate.
Ryan Lefebvre – Come on, he’s just like Harry Doyle! A drunk…wait, I am thinking of Dan Mclaughlin. Sorry, wrong side of Missouri.
Thanks for having some fun with me tonight. HP keeps telling me that the Royals have a bunch of talent coming up soon. I hope he’s right. Because if Mike Moustakas and Will Myers end up like Isuro Tanaka and Rube Baker, we’re in deep shit again.
Maybe we can get Omar Epps to replace Getz at second, and just hope that no one notices…
Hey, I guess this thing does still work.
LWood is… Bitching Again
Filed under Feature
I haven’t watched the Cardinals/Royals game yet tonight. I am going to watch it shortly.
It’s funny; on 95% of nights, I don’t watch the Royals game until at least 10:30-11:00, and I try to avoid places where I may accidentally see the final score. That means no ESPN, no other baseball games, I can only watch the first 20 minutes of the local news, and I even got busted catching about 3 minutes of game 7 of the NBA finals. I fucking hate when I accidentally find out the score. Let’s be honest here; 60% of the games I watch are going to be losses. But at least I can watch most of the game, and hope that the Royals will stage some magical comeback. But once I see the score, I will more than likely just delete it, and find something shitty on TV to watch instead.
Because the Cardinals are playing in KC tonight, there is another place that I have to avoid like the plague…
I can’t take a chance that one of my classically bandwagon St. Louis “friends” might leak something in their status update. You know it would be something like, “Felipe*__thinks the cards r gunna win the hole thing this year if they play like they did 2nite in KC. Go cards!”
*Name changed to protect the idiots.
So since I haven’t watched the game yet, I only have three things that I can blog about tonight. Those are: 1. The NHL draft 2. Financial Regulatory Reform or 3. The shit that I hate on Facebook (more specifically, status updates).
Let’s go with Facebook. The following is a list of my five biggest pet peeves that I see in people’s status updates:
5. Random Song Lyrics – I know almost every lyric to every popular song that has been written in the last 30 years. I am the fucking karaoke king.
Hugh Jerection__ ”Once beneath the stars/the universe was ours/love was all we knew/and all I knew was you.”
Even I cannot figure out what obscure line from a song you just posted. Two questions for you: 1. What fucking song is that from? 2. Why the fuck is it important that we all see it?
4. Play by play of you watching a game – I am watching the game. You are watching the game. Lots of people are watching the game. I like a little camaraderie during the game. I usually stick with texts to HP. What I don’t need to is open my Facebook and see nothing but posts from you…
Seymore Butts__ ”Whew!”
Seymore Butts__ ”That was a travel”
Seymore Butts__ “Come on guys, pull you heads out of you’re a$$e$!”
Seymore Butts__ ”Make a shot, Johnson.”
Seymore Butts__ ”Nice rebound”
You catch my drift. Those posts would have only covered the final 19 seconds of the game. Shut the fuck up. Besides, why are you on Facebook while you’re watching the game anyway? Just watch the damn game…
3. Work travel schedules – Come on, you have these people.
Oliver Closoff__ ”ORD -> LAX today. Then LAX -> MCI tomorrow through Thursday.”
I don’t care where the hell you are working this week. It’s not like I would need to track you down on your hotel land line or something. If you’re wondering about my schedule this coming week, it is STL -> STL every goddamn day.
2. How much love you have for your significant other – Yes, I know you love your wife. You married her, duh?
Mike Hunt__ ”I am so blessed to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world. She is my light and my rock. It’s been the best 11 weeks I have ever had. I love you, Donna!”
I tell my fiancée I love her every day…in the privacy of my own home. I don’t feel the need to broadcast it to 386 people that I haven’t actually spoken to in four years. Get a room.
1. Your Exercise – I am pretty sure that I don’t need to explain this to anyone.
Heywood Jablowme__ “Started out thinking I would only run 6 miles this morning, but felt so good at the 5 mile mark, just kept going. Ended up doing 37 miles before work. Plus tonight I am at the gym from 7:00-11:00. Tuesdays are arms and back. All in a day’s work…”
I hate you. Besides, for all we know you could be lying. What time did you finally roll into the office anyway? Really? 9:00? Did you start your run yesterday? It’s a computer program. If I didn’t have pictures on my page I could tell everyone I was 6’1” 200 lbs. too.
So here is the deal. If you happen to be one of my Facebook “friends”, and you use any of these five items in you update, I am removing you from my “friend” list. It’s that simple.
Oh, and don’t tell me the Royals score…
LWood Kellogg__ “Why do I bother/when you’re not the one for me/is enough enough? Come on Zack! Oh, of you need me I’ll be traveling to Barcelona in the morning, and Guadalhara in the afternoon. Before that though I need to take a 20 mile run and a poop. Oh, and I love you baby! See you when I get done watching the game…
TARP, TP, and the Royals
Filed under Kansas City Royals
We all make mistakes.
It’s absolutely true. I do it all the time. No one is immune to it. The question is can you admit when you have made that mistake, learn from it, and better yourself. Dayton Moore did just that last week when he realized that hiring a white guy from Japan to be your manager just because he has a cool moustache, does not a winning baseball team make.
I will now follow suit with Mr. Moore. I too, have erred.
My last column, in which I was going to weed out candidates for the 2010 Royals MVP, was fucking stupid. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea at the time. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t sustainable for me to continue with that for NINE MORE COLUMNS. So I am admitting that it was a mistake, and I am cutting ties with it. Besides, we all know that Mike Aviles is going to win anyway, and I didn’t even have him on the list.
Now that we have that out of the way, how ‘bout them Royals?!?!?!? Thank God that D-Mo realized it was time for a change. Of course, it was time for a change in June of 2009 but who’s counting? I have watched all but two of the Royals games this season. One of them I have recorded, but I know what happens (they win). So I am saving that for rainy day. The other was last night’s disaster at Baltimore. I missed this one to drink, and play “Name That Tune Trivia” at a bar.*
*The bar I go to has the MLB package. It has about 12-15 TVs. It is usually only occupied by about 30-40 people. So why didn’t I see the game? Because people in St. Louis are assholes (or for you Ke$ha fans: As$holes), that’s why. God forbid the Cardinals are playing. Every TV in the bar is being watched individually by, it seems, one guy. The only TV not tuned to the Cardinals game is showing the NHL Conference Finals. Of course, there’s some redneck in a San Jose Sharks Starter jacket sitting glued to that one…in May…in Missouri. FML.
Based on my experience with the Royals over the years, and judging by what I have seen this far this season, my first (and most reasonable) inclination is to predict that the Royals will finish last in the AL Central and second to last in the American League. Many of you would probably agree with me. But that was before I was taking a dump at work yesterday.
Since the bank that I work for has not paid back the TARP money you lent us, we have a lot of restrictions placed on us by regulators. These include not being able to expand our branches, limits on executive pay, etc. We also have terrible toilet paper. I am convinced that someone has told us we cannot have nice TP until we repay that government money. That is the only logical conclusion I can come to as to why any company would provide this sand paper to its employees.
Did the Glass family receive any sort of bailout? I am just wondering because they seem to trot out what appears to be a pretty substandard product as well.
Anyway, so I was scraping my ass at work when I realized something; while it may be uncomfortable in the beginning, the horrible toilet paper actually gets the job done better in the end than the fancy stuff I have at home. It gets me clean better. It doesn’t fall apart. That three ply quilted stuff just seems to shred in your hand when you really are working hard, and that double roll brand absorbs about as well as wax paper. But not the crappy work TP. Plus, you can use as much as you like, and because it’s so thin, it cannot clog the toilet.
So what’s the point? You don’t always get what you pay for. Sometimes, the crappy work toilet paper comes out of nowhere and surprises you. That’s why I think the Royals will win the AL Central.
Toilet paper…
Yes, that’s what I am clinging to. Speaking of clinging, that dingleberry Betancourt just committed another error to give the Indians a 1-0 lead.
The Yost With The Most
Filed under Kansas City Royals
Maybe it’s that Honeymoon glow. Maybe it’s the fact that his name is not Trey Hillman. Maybe it’s the incredible restraint it must take the man to not grow a moustache. (He would totally look awesome with a moustache) Whatever it is, spending the weekend with Ned Yost has led to me completely and totally trusting the man. He’s the anti-Trey.
I was down in KC over the last weekend, and was therefore privy to 1.) actually watching the Royals, and 2.) getting first-hand accounts and analysis of Yost’s first series on the job from a number of respected talking-heads not named Jason Whitlock.
Trey Hillman is behind us, and I will be happy if I never utter his name again, so we don’t need to re-hash the idiocy of some of his moves. With Yost, you get the feeling that he’s not a reactionary type. He knows his players. He knows how to get the best out of them. He knows what to do in various baseball situations. Of course, these are the very basic characteristics that you want in a major league manager. And these are the characteristics that the previous Skip was lacking. The fact that Yost is at least competent already puts him light years ahead of Trey.
Also, Dave Owen…grrrrr
Yost isn’t without flaws. He got canned by the Brewers with 12 games left in the 2008 season while his team was in the middle of a pennant race. Which is odd. There were circumstances surrounding the firing that aren’t entirely known, but the fact is it happened. The reasons why are a little less than black-and-white, but he was the leader of a team that won 65 games the season before he got there, and made the playoffs six years later.
Of course, you don’t want to heap the credit strictly on him. You have Prince Fielder, JJ Hardy and Ryan Braun to thank for that. But, you do have to give Yost credit for this: he didn’t mess it up. Now, getting fired 12 games from the finish line might lead you to believe otherwise, but Dave Sevum (his replacement) only went 7-5 down the stretch. A lot has been said about that team being in a 3-11 slump before his firing, but prior to that stretch, the Brewers went 8-1. His firing seemed like a panic move, and all those who have analyzed it since tend to lean that way too.
But being Not Trey Hillman aside, there are three things that Yost did or said during the weekend that made me like and trust him. Here they are:
1.) Some of the critique of Yost prior to his being shown the door in Milwaukee surrounded his almost absolute refusal to use the sacrifice bunt as an offensive weapon. In the NL, with the pitcher batting 9th, it is generally assumed that the sac bunt in necessary and integral to success. However, Sabermetric research has shown that is it an absolute rally-killing croc. And Yost seems to agree. Martin Manley does a nice job of pointing this out by using numbers that frighten and confuse me…but still generally point me in the direction that Hillman was a quack, and Yost knows what the heck he’s doing.
2.) Much has been written about Luke Hochevar and his maddening inconsistency. He’s been good, and incomprehensibly bad, and a lot of it might have to do with his inability to keep his head on straight when things start to trend downward. Case-in-point: Saturday Night. Going into the 7th inning, with a three run lead, Hoch looked visibly shaken when the Alexi Ramirez got an infield single with one out on a ball that a shortstop with even average range (i.e. not named Yuniesky Betancourt) would have gotten to. He ended up losing control and giving up four runs, the lead and the game.
So what did Yost have to say after the game? Did he second-guess himself about not going to the bullpen earlier? Did he throw Yuni under the bus for not getting to an easily field-able ball? No. He said that was part of the plan; that Hoch needs to learn how to pitch himself out of jams. Wow. What a breath of fresh air. This is similar to Gil Meche coming back to the dugout after throwing 100+ in six the night before, and signaling to Yost for one more inning. Yost said no. He went to the pen, saved further wear on Meche’s shoulder, and got W.
If he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, at least he’s honest with how he does it, and that inspires confidence; something that is sorely lacking in this organization.
3.) The handling of Kila Monster getting sent back down again today. Yost knows his team, and the limitations surrounding it. And I’m speaking here of Ka’ahuie’s inability to make it on the field during his most recent stint on the big club. Instead of talking in vague overtones about the competitiveness of his need for more seasoned instruction, Yost plainly stated that with Jose Guillen and Big Stroker entrenched at DH and 1B, there simply enough at-bats to go ‘round. “It just kills me to see Kila sitting on the bench and not playing,” said Yost, “I think he’s a huge part of our future, and for me I’d much rather have him down there right now, getting his at-bats, playing first base and if something happened he could come back here.”
By acknowledging things which any educated Royals fan most certainly already knows, instead of dismissing it outright in some attempt to prove his legitimacy as a manager, Yost effectively justified his decision, however unpopular amongst the populous.
I for one am excited for having Yost in a Royals uniform. I know that we’re not going to be competitive for a while with the talent we have on the team, but you know what? So does Ned Yost. And that’s more than I can say for…what’s his name? Traysomething? I’ve already forgotten.
Thank God.
And Then There Were None
Filed under Kansas City Royals
I want to apologize to all of my fans (yeah, both of you). I know that you have come to expect a level of commitment from me when it comes to posting my columns. Allow me to explain. You see, I lost my job back in November. I decided not to air all of that here because, frankly, none of you really care. There are pros and cons to being unemployed for an extended period of time.
Pros: Sleep in, stay up late, write more columns, watch Foxnews (all day), frequent afternoon “catnaps”, all the days run together, no “Mondays”, etc.
Cons: No money, watch Foxnews (all bleeping day)*, feelings of despair and hopelessness not relating to the Chiefs or Royals, permanent butt grooves on my couch, boredom.
*Look, I love Foxnews. However, there are a few things that really got to me over the last five or so months. Every single commercial on Foxnews is for one of three things: Gold (you should buy gold), Car insurance (you should buy car insurance), and people who can settle your debts with credit cards or the IRS when you spend too much on car insurance and gold. I want to open my own tax settlement company called, “You Just Have To Pay It”. I can see the commercial now. Open with Bellweather looking extremely concerned with bills laying all around him. He looks in the camera and says, “I owed the IRS $36,000 in back taxes!” Now relieved, he says, “I called Logg’s Tax Service, and I only paid $36,000!!! Thanks Logg”. Maybe our taxes wouldn’t be so high if everyone just paid what they were supposed to. Just a thought.
But as of a couple of weeks ago, The Logg is employed again. This has severely limited my writing. Not because I haven’t been watching the Royals (I haven’t missed one excruciating game yet), but because I am tired when I get home. I used to be able to get up around 10, surf the internet in my underwear until noon, eat a frozen pizza, bang out a column around 1 or 2, and still have time for a nap with Sheppard Smith droning on in the background. Now, I get home, eat something, watch American Idol, catch as much of the Royals game as I can tolerate, and sleep. Not a lot of time for writing.
That being said, I need to do something. As I mentioned before, I have watched all 24 of the Royals games this season. There have been some bright spots here and there. But for the most part, it has been a disaster. And it got me thinking…
Do you realize that someone from this team is going to be named “Royals MVP 2010”??? It’s true. No matter if the Royals lose 125 games this season, they will still have a first grade soccer team-esque banquet where everyone gets a participation trophy, and someone will win the MVP. So here is what we are gonna do: cue Ryan Seacrest…
This…is ROYALS IDOL
The competition will be between all Royals position players on the active roster as of today that see regular playing time. There is no reason to involve the pitchers here since none of them with the exception of one is worth diddly. So your top ten contestants are:
David DeJesus, Scott Podsednik, Billy Butler, Jose Guillen, Alberto Callaspo, Jason Kendall, Alex Gordon, Mitch Maier, Rick Ankiel, and Yuniesky Betancourt. Every few days I will post a blog about the last few games, and then I will vote one off. What the hell else do you have to do?
Episode one:
Your bottom three for the period between game one and May 1st:
Jason Kendall – BA .288 HR 0 RBI 4 BB 8 SLG .457
Look, the Royals are getting most of what they expected from Kendall. He’s not going to hit a bunch of homeruns or drive in a ton of runs. He started the season on a pretty good streak hitting-wise. But I am sick of hearing about how well he handles the staff. What evidence do we have of that??? Have you seen the bullpen??? His inclusion in the bottom three is based mainly on his inability to get the ball out the infield over the last five games. How many weak groundouts to the pitcher can one man hit?
Tonight he’ll be singing “Old Man” by Neil Young
Randy: Dog, check it out, check it out, check it out. Yo, that wasn’t my favorite performance by you. It was pitchy in parts. You threw out Longoria last night, but honestly dude, the throw was in the dirt, yo. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter. That being said, I love everything about you. There, I said it. That is, except the fact that you’re a man.
Kara: You know what I like about you, Jason? You know who you are. You don’t try to do too much up there, and it suits you. Stay true to your soul, and maybe try going the other way every once in a while. Also, I wouldn’t mind feeling your hand in my catchers mitt, if you know what I mean.
Simon: I didn’t get that at all. It was like an elephant trying to make love to a hubcap, if you know what I mean. All that being said, I think you’re safe for now.
Mitch Maier – BA .257 HR 0 RBI 6 BB 6 SLG .457
Mitch has filled in admirably during Rick Ankiel’s steroid binge foot injury. But he is not a long term solution in center field. Mitch hit a couple of triples over the last week, but at times he looks completely overmatched at the plate. He does have good speed in the field. So that’s a plus, I guess.
Tonight he’ll be singing “Put Me In Coach” by John Fogerty
Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, check it out, yo, check it out, dog. Dog, that was hot. You know I like you, right? I am a fan of you because you’re current. Don’t worry that you can’t hit major league breaking balls. Stick with it, yo. That was hot!!!
Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter. That being said, I get paid a lot of money to pre-write jokes to do here. So let me get my notes out. Here we go. When you are at the plate you look more scared that Obama when someone mentions the words Blagojevic and subpoena. *pause* Good job.
Kara: Mitch, I can feel your soul when you’re out there. I look at you and I think, “Here’s a guy who knows who he is.” You’re believable. Why don’t you meet me after this, and we can see if you can smack a triple into one of my corners?
Simon: Mitch, look, it’s not working. It was like watching a cat trying to tap dance on the moon, and wondering why he doesn’t have more oven cleaner. Sorry…
Alex Gordon – BA .194 HR 1 RBI 1 BB 6 SLG .323
Alex is coming off an injury…again. So I am trying to give him a little bit of slack here. How is it that the most hyped hitting prospect the Royals have had in 2 decades cannot seem to put the bat on any breaking pitch that goes away from him? It’s not even close. It’s like throwing nothing but curve balls to Pedro Serrano (pre-chicken sacrifice).
Tonight he’ll be singing “Favorite Mistake” by Sheryl Crow
Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, dog. Check it out, check it out, check it out, yo, yo, yo, dog. Yo, when I saw you were doing that, I was like “whoa?” And then at the beginning I was like, “whoa.” But then I was like “whoa!” You worked it out. Whoa.
Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter. That being said, I liked it. Oh, hang on. Uh, Alex, you go after more balls in the dirt than Pigpen’s girlfriend. Where’s my check?
Kara: Alex, you have an aura about you. It makes me feel all warm in my lady parts. Stay true to who you are, and maybe we can get together after this and play the “hot corner” together.
Simon: Alex, that was completely wrong for you. It was like a little mouse who can’t find his way to Evansville, Indiana even though he has a trash can AND a bag of Clydesdale excrement, you know? Sorry…
Okay, the results are in. The contestant who will be leaving us tonight is…
Mitch Maier.
Mitch, thanks for filling in, but this just isn’t the year that you’ll be named best of the worst team in baseball. Tune in next week when our theme will be shitty baseball players who choke away games.
Good night. Seacrest out.
Why Am I Still Awake At 3:13am?
Filed under Feature, Non-Sports
Most of you that have read my columns sort of understand how my sports watching schedule goes. For those of you who don’t, here is a taste. This is how it works 99.998% of the time.
In the early evening, I am usually watching normal prime time shows like American Idol. This is because I have a wonderful fiancée that I would like to actually marry me. The last thing I need to do in this situation is subject her to the torture that is watching the Wild or the Royals. Then when she goes to bed, I watch the game that I recorded earlier in the evening. This allows me to sit on the couch in silence as my dreams of actually having a team I like win a championship (or even make the playoffs) are dashed time and time again.
But this routine presents a problem. It conditions me to a schedule of staying up late every single night. As you know, there is not a game every single night. So, on those nights, I usually end up just watching TV. But there is a bigger problem. Inevitably, I find a movie on TV that is just starting at midnight or later. These movies are the kind that I cannot turn off. Bellweather and I touched on this in a conversation during KU’s weekend here in St. Louis for the Regional Finals (SHIT!!!!!). He agreed that there were some movies that just cannot be turned off no matter what time it is. Here is a complete analysis of these movies for me. Besides, there was no Royals/Wild game last night, and I am pretty sure Bellweather covered the season opener for the Royals…
Movies that I must watch no matter what freaking time it is…
10. Fletch – I was sitting at a bar last night with a couple of friends. My buddy Brett ordered a steak sandwich. The only appropriate response to that order is to say, “I’ll have a bloody Mary, a steak sandwich, and a…steak sandwich, please.” If you don’t know what I am talking about, then you have not seen Fletch, and you should be ashamed. Stop reading this, go to Netflix, and queue it right now. It may be one of the most quotable movies ever behind only nos. 4 and 1 on this list. It is also the only “good” movie starring Chevy Chase other than no. 4. “What kind of a name is Poon, anyway?” “Camanche Indian.”
9. Harry Potter Movies (any after the first two) – Look, I know what you’re thinking. I have answers to both of your questions. 1. My fiancée is a woman. 2. I am not required to register with any government agency when I move. Bottom line is that these movies are awesome. The effects are great, and the story line is compelling (while completely predictable). The first two stink because they spend way too much time establishing the story line, and introducing a villain who doesn’t actually come back for a few more movies. But the last four have been exceptional. Get past yourself, and watch them. You’ll be hooked.
8. Starship Troopers – I have no idea what I am so addicted to this movie. It is so over the top bad that you almost have to think that they made it that way intentionally. The cast reads like a list of castoff 90210 extras…Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris…I can go on. But the effects are awesome, the plot is cool, and you get to see Van Dien overacting the line “Come on you apes! You wanna live forever?!?!” Awesome.
7. Die Hard – This goes for the original AND the “With a Vengeance” version. You are not a real guy if you are able to switch channels during either of these movies. John McClain is a badass. Yippe-ki-yay… End of story.
6. Days of Thunder – NASCAR sucks. That is, unless Maverick is racing a car for a team owned by Cousin Eddie, and managed by Vito’s Consiglieri. And that’s exactly what we have here. Standard 80’s Tom Cruise movie plot; Hero is awesome, has something bad happen to him, loses his confidence, has a supportive chick, and wins in the end. Sounds remarkably similar to…
5. Top Gun – You know I love this movie. I own it on DVD, and yet I have a version of it recorded on my DVR so that I don’t have to get up from the couch and put the DVD in. Severely quotable, Top Gun may be the greatest action movie of all time. There, I said it.
4. Caddyshack – THE MOST QUOTABLE MOVIE EVER. But here is the kicker; don’t quote Caddyshack unless you know the line front and back. I hate when people butcher Caddyshack lines. If you say something like, “So I was caddying for the Dali Llama…” in my presence, you can expect to be corrected at a minimum, but more likely slapped silly. The scene where Ty and Danny are discussing Danny’s future may be the single greatest exchange in all of movie history. “What’s wrong with lumberyards?? I own three lumberyards.” “I notice you don’t spend much time there.” “I’m not sure where they are.”
3. Major League – The only instance in history where taking a movie that is full of swearing, and editing it for TV actually made the movie better. The unintentional comedy of Dorn walking up to Vaughn in the ninth inning and saying, “I’ve only got one thing to say to you. Strike this [GUY] out!!!” is priceless. An evil owner puts together a roster of horrible players, hoping that they lose so badly that they have no attendance, and the team can move. This is a story that all Royals fans should be able to relate to. Except for the end, when they actually win.
2. Hoosiers – Do I even need to explain this one? It’s the greatest sports movie ever made. If you haven’t seen it, then leave this site and never return. You know nothing about sports.
1. A Few Good Men – This movie gets my vote for best overall movie of all time. The story line is electric, the acting is great, and if you can’t quote at least 85% of Jessup’s “You can’t handle the truth” monologue, then I feel sorry for you. I may or may not have used the line, “Thank you for playing ‘Should We or Should We Not Follow the Advice of the Galacticly Stupid’!” at work during a meeting. See this movie, own this movie, don’t you dare turn this movie off…ever.
Honorable mention to PCU, Slap Shot, Armageddon, The Color of Money, Wall Street, Iron Eagle, Con Air, and Made. If you have any that you think I missed, let me know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com.
So there you have it. I should probably explore the “Major League/Royals Corollary”, but I’ll leave that for another day. Until then, enjoy baseball, and whatever movie happens to come on after the game is over.
Take Your Eternal Hope Spring, and Shove it
Filed under Kansas City Royals
Shut up. Just shut up please about this whole “Opening Day is the hope-iest time of the year!!” crap. Not that I don’t care about baseball. It is great; America’s pastime and all of that George Plimpton-esque prose. Sure, you can read all of the aging sportswriter clichés and try to recapture your youth and the grandeur of the Great American Game. But please, don’t insult my intelligence.
Don’t tell me that The Royals have any chance.
Because we don’t. I’ve said it before that we don’t and, in case you didn’t hear me the first time: WE DON’T.
So I don’t want to hear it. I know what’s gonna happen even before it does. And what’s gonna happen is we’re gonna lose. A lot.
Now, I’m not going to go thru all of the reasons why we’re going to lose. I mean, all you have to do is look at the construction of the roster, and you can see it. No offense, no defense, no bullpen. We have three weapons at our disposal; three players who can be listed as above league average, and possible All Stars. Here’s how we decided to help them out yesterday:
1.) Zack Greinke
Ah yes, our once-every-five-day holiday. The most electric pitcher in the American League last year. The guy who had the lowest ERA since Pedro in 1999. All advanced statistics last year pointed to the fact that his year was great despite how awful our defense was. So, we spent the offseason “improving” that aspect of our roster.
First inning: Willie Bloomquist drops an infield popup with two outs that allows a run to score. In the Royal’s defense, Boom Boom was brought on to the team last year, so…at least it wasn’t Scott Podsednik’s fault??
2.) Joakim Soria
The Mexicutioner again had a brilliant year last year, despite Trey Hillman’s campaign for him to shred his shoulder ligaments into coleslaw. Soria was used for more two-inning saves last year than any other year of his young career (that’s good). Unfortunately, those opportunities were few-and-far between, forcing him to throw “cold” (that’s bad). The reason?? Dayton Moore trading away his reliable set-up men last off-season. So, really, the more dependable the bullpen, the more effective the closer.
Seventh Inning: Roman Colón, Robinson Tejeda and Juan Cruz. Geez.
3.) Billy Butler*
* Billy needs a nickname. I say “The Big Stroker.”
Big Stroker made history by achieving some Tim Kurkjain-ian goal of having over a certain number of one thing (doubles), while at the same time having over a certain number of another thing (homers), all-the-while being under a certain number of years old…though I can’t really remember what any of those numbers were. What I’m trying to say is that he’s good at the baseball.
Seventh Inning: After Billy had a two run, two out RBI single to extend the Royals to a 4-1 lead in the fifth, he sits on deck while Scott Podsednik (he’s your place setter…really??) hits with runners on first and second and one out. Oh, and another thing: you are down four after the disaster that was the top-half of the seventh with an offense that is anemic at best. So, Pods comes thru with a single. Awesome.
Here’s what you want to do: Bring up your best hitter with the bases loaded i.e. a chance to tie the game with one swing.
Here’s what the Royals did: Sent Jason Kendall around third where he got gunned down.
Let me repeat that again, in all-caps: YOU SENT JASON FREAKING RUBBER-KNEES KENDALL HOME WITH YOUR BEST HITTER DUE UP NEXT YOU…GAAAAH!
Holy cow. Let the bullpen explode. Drop a pop-up. Freaking hit the cutoff man in the back. But please, PLEASE don’t trot Dave Owen out there and pretend that he should be anywhere near a major league roster.
Oh wait, this is the Royals.
I guess this there is one Opening Day saying that is still apt:
It’s Opening Day…and The Royals stink again.
Ignorance is Bliss
Filed under Kansas City Royals
It’s baseball season!! Isn’t that great!! Oh…you’re a Royals fan. Well, then. Here’s a news flash:
Your team sucks.
No, really. Your team sucks BAD. Sorry for the un-sunny disposition, but the moves you’ve made in the off season to this point have been baffling. Your team has tried to improve by doing the following:
1.) Releasing two serviceable, yet unspectacular catchers in order to sign the worst offensive catcher over the past decade for millions more than you would have owed the two that you released, one being your Cy Young winning pitcher’s favorite target the other one, a cog in the Carlos Beltran deal along with…
2.) …another fan favorite who was traded for two past-prospect age prospects, and in doing so, left your second-best offensive player without a position…
3.) …but that’s all good since he wasn’t that good defensively and you’re in the American League, so you can stash him as the Designated hitter except…
4.) …your moody, over-paid free agent gem from two off-seasons ago – who is still moody and owed more than ten million this year – will probably have to play most of the time at DH, but, like I said he’s moody, and still wants to play in the outfield, which is easier said than done because…
5.) …despite the fact that you have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to who you gave contracts to, you’ve gone ahead and acquired about a half-dozen* outfielders who are either just above, but more likely nowhere near, replacement level, …
* Estimate
6.) …one of whom you’ve promised to give centerfield to despite the fact that he probably has the worst range any of the other potential center-fielders, and who is, by the way, a left-handed power hitter, and will be playing in a home park that is notoriously brutal to left-handed power hitters.
Is that all?? Well, no. There are untold number of reasons why the Royals will suck this year. Six doesn’t even skim the surface. Strangely, the Royals blogosphere, home of some of the best baseball minds in the business, has seemed, unlike in previous years, resigned to this fact.
It’s as if they’re no longer upset at it. They’ve gone thru the five-stages of Royals fandom, and have finally, excruciatingly, made it to acceptance. See, the excuse for Allard Baird was always that he didn’t have enough money. We lucked into having the best young offense in baseball at the turn of the last decade, but didn’t have the resources to keep any of them.
Now that we have (at least some of) the resources, we can firmly press the weight of blame on the shoulders of Dayton Moore.
The guy always seems a day late. Unfortunately, he’s never a dollar short. It seems like every time he thinks we need a particular skill on the team, he goes all “Damn the Torpedoes!!” on us and does whatever it takes to solve the problem as he sees fit with little regard for any of the other skills that particular player (doesn’t) possess.
Case in point: Mike Jacobs. What were we lacking going into last season?? POWER!! Sure!! That’s the ticket!! So what does good ole’ Capn’ Moore do?? Signs Jacobs with little regard to the fact that despite his impressive power numbers, he can’t get on base or hit lefties. Wow…that seems to be two pretty big holes in your game, especially when you (again) have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to Mike Jacobs. Sound familiar??
This season, it was speed and defense, which is why we got the outfielders we did…except, none are particularly good at it, and, as said before, we’ve promised the one with the least range center field. Oh, and none of them can get on base, either…FUN!!
On top of that, we’ve been told all along that we’re building the minor-league system, and while there does seem to be some talent down there, Royals fans will still no doubt continue to be reminded that there are better players that we passed up in the draft who are already making impacts on their major league clubs.
At least this time, they weren’t passed up due to signability…nope, just pure ineptitude.
In years past, this analysis might have seemed a little harsh. Up until last off-season, Moore’s track record with the Royals seemed to point us back to respectability. Now??
Yep. Still in last place.
While writing this, I sent an E-Mail to Logg and Conor Jay, letting them know that the post was upcoming.
Me: “Royals post coming today…”
Logg: “Who are the Royals?”
Sigh…ignorance is bliss…