Tag Archives: Kansas City Chiefs

This is a Do Over

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Posted by Conor Jay on 03/31/2011 – 12:00pm
Filed under Updates

Can we start over?

Welcome to KCSportsPod… KCSportsChat.com! That’s right, we changed our domain and our look (a little). But calm down, I know all two of you are dedicated podcast listeners, so the podcast won’t go away, it will just focus on quality and not quantity. Now our focus is more geared for providing a community for live sporting events related to Kansas City. Things like Royals Opening Day, the  NFL Draft, Sporting KC versus Europe, and other significant events. We know how much it sucks when MLB GameDay lags at work and you can’t get a radio signal. Or when you live on a small island in the Pacific and no one is a Chiefs fan to ask about the latest news. We’ve got you covered.

Here’s how you can participate:

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Javier Arenas

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Posted by Lachky on 04/30/2010 – 12:44pm
Filed under Feature, Kansas City Chiefs

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks from the NFL Draft.  Today: Alabama Cornerback, Javier Arenas

Pros: A very good cover corner in college and a dynamic kick returner; rated #1 in the draft on many boards.  Plus: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim Castille.  TRADITION!!

Cons: Undersized at 5-7 and 200 lbs.  He figures to be a nickel back in most situations.  You had better believe teams are going to concentrate on isolating their tight ends on him on passing downs…and didn’t we just spend a pick on a hybrid return man??  Also: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim Castille.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “You know, when I coached the Oakland Raiders, we had a quarterback.  His name was Rich Fucking Gannon.  Now, you think anybody gave this guy a shot?  No.  And what does he go out and do?  He wins the fucking MVP of the National Fucking Football League.  This guy Javier Arenas; he’s small by NFL standards – I mean my horse’s cock is bigger than him – but I tell you what, guys.  This guy Javier Arenas, he’s a fucking football player.  Just like Rich Fucking Gannon.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: HughesNet High Speed Internet Service.

I don’t know how many of you have seen these commercials.  I’m guessing maybe not a whole lot.  Hughesnet is basically internet by satellite, or internet for hayseeds who live in the sticks and can’t get a cable hookup.  I live in Iowa.  This state is nothing but hayseeds who live in the sticks.

Now the commercial stars one Kimberly Joseph who, if you ask me, is quite striking* in a Hannah Storm kind of way.

* It’s funny.  The closer you move to thirty, the more attractive “older” ladies become.  What used to be dismissed in my own head as a Mrs. Robinson situation is now an actual, not-frowned-upon-by-society possibility.  I’m not downplaying the attractiveness or Ms. Joseph.  I’m just saying that if I saw her out at a bar, I wouldn’t feel as weird as I would as a 23 year-old about going up and talking to her…and promptly getting rejected.

The problem with this commercial (which I could not was too lazy to find) is that her hair is all whacked out.  It looks like somebody stuck a sea-urchin on the back of her head.  I look at Arenas’ size the same way.  Just like I can’t watch HughesNet girl without thinking about how fucked up her hair is, I can’t get past the fact that Arenas is Tom Cruise size.  Sure, I see all of the really attractive qualities about him, but can’t help but think that he’s nothing more than the second coming of Mark McMillan.

Also: The HughesNet product itself.  It’s like DirecTV without the TV.  You get your internet thru a sattelite.  It seems like such a hassle to invest the money to get an entire freaking satellite just to get internet.  Are we sure that we need to invest the time and money just to get a kick returner??

Hell, who am I kidding.  Considering the timing, placement and round, Arenas might end up being the pick of this draft.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Eric Berry

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Posted by Lachky on 04/23/2010 – 10:30am
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks over the next three days of the NFL Draft.  Today: Tennessee Safety, Eric Berry

 Pros: Freakish Athlete.  Great Instincts.  Legit talent.  Of course, immediately following the draft, everybody says these things.  Ryan Sims, Glenn Dorsey, Tom Bahali [sic].  But this time, you actually get the feeling that they mean it.  This guy can play (unless, you know…he can’t).

Cons: Coming out of commercial, ESPN will show you one of the draft picks talking on the phone and smiling, but will always have commentary running over them so that you can’t heat the conversation they’re having with the coach on the other line.  This way, Berman and the other idiots can continue to speculate on who the next team could possibly be picking, even though we all pretty much know…OR DO WE?!?!  They could, after all, just be pulling a McGahee.

Well, when they came back and shot Eric Berry talking on the phone, there were some technical difficulties, so we got to see Eric pump his fist in the air, and very clearly say, “I’M GONNA BE A CHIEF!!!!!,” only to get two more minutes of Steve Young telling us how great an O-Line pick would be for us.  So anti-climactic.

Also, this pick ain’t gonna fix the defense.  Until we get a legitimite pass rush, Berry’s going to have too much on his plate to turn things around on his own; one player does not a great defense make.  I’t still going to take another couple of years.  I just hope Chiefs fans will keep this in mind when we have the #27 defense next year.  I’m looking at you Kevin Kietzman.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “This guy Eric Berry.  He’s a fucking football player.  The first time I saw this guy play, I got a boner.  I’m serious, guys.  A huge fucking rod.  I’m talking diamond in an ice storm hard.  I wanted to kill my mother-in-law with it.  I’m serious, guys.  Just fucking murder her with my dick.  This guy Eric Berry.  He’s gonna be a fucking football player in the National Fucking Football League.”

Jason Whitlock’s Take: “In the moments after the Chiefs made the Tennessee saftey the No. 5 pick in Thursday’s draft, I read Berry’s full resume…”

As opposed to, you know before the fucking draft.  Heaven forbid you do any research on the guy the Chiefs were going to fucking draft all along.  Jesus, man.  You didn’t even read his resume before the draft??  Could you not take yourself away from sucking Dez Bryant’s ballsac for two freaking seconds to put together an actual informed thought about who the Chiefs might actually select??  Who pays this guy??

Pick as Overplayed Advertisement: Dr. Quinn’s Open Hearts Collection.  Kay Jewlers.

God, I hate this ad.  “My muthha towwt me to oowlways keep yoow haaht owpuun.”  Just shut up.  You want me to believe that you, Jane Seymour, thespian extrordinaire, designed something that ugly, and that you truly believe that it would become an international symbol for love.  Nope…just, no.  It looks like a retarded lizard’s poop.  It’s a cheap peice of junk that poor white trash people buy to make believe they can actually afford diamonds.

Oh, and I love how the ad changes for every holiday.  Really, Jane??  I thought your open hearts collection was supposed to become a symbol for last Valentines Day…or last Christmas.  Now, you want it to be for Mother’s Day??  Also, the real Jane Seymour was one of the wives killed by Henry VIII.  If that dont’ say love I don’t know what does.

So what does Eric Berry have to do with this??  Well every Sunday during football season is like a holiday.  So, we hope that just like the damn commercial annoys the piss out of us every time a holiday rolls around, Eric Berry will be the one to annoy the piss out of opposing defenses every Sunday.  You see what I did there??

Sorry.  I know it’s kind of a stretch.  I just really hate that commercial.

Jane Seymour was totally bangable in Wedding Crashers, though.

To Each His Own

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 01/23/2010 – 11:22am
Filed under Feature

Anyone that knows me knows that I have my teams, and I root for them hard.  No one questions my passion for the Jayhawks, Chiefs, Royals, and Wild.  So I am certainly not questioning anyone else’s love of their teams.  You can root for anyone you like*.   But anyone that really knows me knows that, along with my teams, I have the teams that I hate, loath, and generally wish ill will upon. You have these teams too.  They may be different than mine, but you have them.  You know the ones where even if your team loses, it’s okay because they lost too.   I wouldn’t piss on these teams if they were on fire.  Though I might piss on them if they aren’t on fire.

*I do request that you have some legitimate reason for liking who you like.  My future brother-in-law loves the Cowboys and the Oklahoma Sooners despite the fact that he appears to have never left the state of Missouri.  He just jumped on a bandwagon in the 90’s.  Now that’s irritating. 

I have many reasons for hating a team.  They may be a rival like the Vancouver Canucks.  They may have players that I dislike like A-Roid.  But the two teams that I hate more than any other two teams in the world have something in common: Their fans are arrogant for absolutely no reason at all. 

The Minnesota Vikings and the Missouri Tigers

What have either of these teams ever done to warrant the amount of trash talking that comes from their fans?  Nothing, that’s what.

What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring?  Thief.  Yes, that is one of my favorite jokes ever.  They have been to four Super Bowls, and lost them all.  They haven’t been back to the big game since 1976.  They have lost a couple of NFC championship games.*  They lost one NFC championship to the Giants 41-0.  Not exactly a resume that lends itself to shit talking.  You shouldn’t be talking shit when all the other person has to do is tell that joke again. 

*In college, my roommate Grant was a huge Vikings fan.  On January 17, 1999 we were driving back to Des Moines after a weekend back home.  The Vikings were playing in the NFC championship game against the Falcons.  Grant begged me to let him put his little Vikings car flag on the passenger window of my car.  I eventually agreed.  However, Gary Anderson (who had not missed a field goal all season) pushed one left that would have sealed the game. Then the Falcons drove down, and tied the game with 49 seconds left.  And then Morten Andersen nailed a 38 yarder to send the Vikes home.  It may have been the most satisfying moment of my life seeing Grant slowly, manually crank down the window of my 1996 Chevy Cavalier, and let that flag just fly away into a cold field in Iowa some where.

Oh, Mizzou.  Please Tiger fans, tell me why you are so great.  Seriously, e-mail me at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com, and tell me.  I just don’t see it.  At least the Vikings can say they have been to the championship game.  You can’t even get to the semi-finals.  No final fours…EVER.   No BCS bowl games…EVER.  Even Kansas went to a BCS game, and KU football was a joke for a couple of decades.  You haven’t had an All-American basketball player since 1994, and even then it was Melvin Booker! (Most of you probably didn’t even know that) You aren’t ranked this season, and won’t be.  You might make the tournament, but will lose…again.

I can’t stand listening to Missouri fans claims that they were Big XII Basketball champs last season.  You weren’t.  You were Big XII tournament champions.  There’s a difference.  KU won the Big XII championship last season by beating just about everyone, and finishing at the top.  You won the tournament by beating the 11 seed, 7 seed, and 9 seed.  Good work.

I have already been hearing from MU fans here in St. Louis that they are sure that they will walk into Allen Field House on Monday and dismantle KU.  How?  If I were you, I would be more concerned about beating Nebraska on Saturday.   As Bellwether said on the last podcast; call me when you break the top ten in the polls. 

Bottom line is that no matter the outcome of the Vikings-Saints or Missouri-Kansas games, these fans will continue to boast about their teams until the end of time.  And these boasts will continue to irritate me to the core.  But I suppose that’s what makes sports great.  Maybe I am being a little hard on some of you.  Now that I think of it…

To all Vikings fans, good luck this weekend.  I’ll still be rooting for the Saints, but I wish you the best.  This may be your time.  Enjoy Jared Allen.

And to all you Missouri fans…wait, I just can’t do it.

Muck Fizzou!

Episode 08: 12/14

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Posted by KCSportsChat.com on 12/14/2009 – 3:11am
Filed under Podcasts

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Conor Jay goes one-on-one with KCSportsPodcast.com’s very own, Bellwether Johnson. We discuss College Bowl Picks stratego, Fantasy Football playoff drama, the shitty Chiefs, and the robotic Tiger Woods.

Slaps!*

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 12/07/2009 – 3:43pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

 

*Before I begin this column, allow me to explain.  In college, when you were sitting somewhere, but had to get up and get something, you would say “Slaps!”  You would make sure that someone else heard you, and then go.  The “Slaps” call is what made sure you got your seat back no matter what.  It is legally binding, and completely indisputable as long as someone actually heard you say it.   Now…

Thank God I live in St. Louis. 

That statement was literally uttered by me yesterday.  Thanks to that fact, I am spared a large majority of the Chiefs’ games this season.  So I guess I would just like to say to the Chiefs…

I will always be a fan.  I will always carry a deep love for your games, and have fond memories to fall back on.  However, I just can’t find the passion for you anymore.  When it comes to Sundays, there now seems to be something better to do.  And I blame you.

Yesterday was no exception. 

The plan was simple; My fiancée (yes, I am getting married) and I were going to watch the Rams’ game at home, and then head to a sports bar to catch the Chiefs, in what I thought was a 3:15pm start.  About three minutes into the Rams game, I stumbled onto the fact that the Chiefs game started a noon.  Crap!

For a few moments I weighed the options.  1. I could run up to the bar without showering.  2. I could shower, and then go to the bar. 3. I could stay home, and watch the updates online.  I should have chosen option three.  But the most disappointing thing about the whole thing was that I chose option two.

If this had happened even two years ago, the clear cut option for me would have been number one.  No doubt.  No question.  I mean, a rivalry game against the completely loathed Broncos…at Arrowhead…in December…when they were retiring Derrick Thomas’ jersey???  First I probably wouldn’t have mistaken the game time.  Second, I would have already been at the bar preparing as soon as they opened the doors.  The most shocking aspect of this story is the part that I haven’t even told you yet.  Here it goes:

I turned down two tickets to this game on Friday.

I know.  A guy I used to work with calls, and tells me that he has two tickets to the game that he cannot use.  Would I like them…for free?  Excuses run through my mind…It’s too last minute.  I’d have to find somewhere to board my dog.  It’s going to be cold.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I’ll watch from here.  Shit, I couldn’t even do that right.

I made it to the bar a couple of minutes into the second quarter.  I think the Chiefs were down 10-3.  You see that right there?  I THINK.  I truly don’t know.  I was way more interested in what I should get to eat.**  There were a couple of Broncos fans at the table next to me.  I said nothing to them.  Nothing.

**I went with the Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich.  It was very good, but I wouldn’t get it again***

***How many times in your life have you thought something was “good, but not enough to ever get it again”?  I would be interested in hearing some responses because I can’t think of anything.

And so it went on.  A sandwich-a chiefs punt-another Bud Light-a Cassel interception-another Bud Light-the dumbest play ever drawn up and its subsequent floundering****-check please.

****You all know what play I am referring to.  And if, for some reason, you don’t, grab your favorite pain killer, turn off the lights, click here, press play, and wait 23 seconds.   

I left with eight minutes to go in the third quarter.  Read that again…THIRD F-ING QUARTER.  I came home, and didn’t even check the final score.  I didn’t need to.  There was nothing good that was going to come out of that. 

I didn’t need to read Whitlock’s stupid article  today.  I know what it says; The Chiefs are regressing, I am fat, Pioli has an ego, I am not racist, Haley yells a lot but no one is listening, Tiger was justified in banging a girl from the Tool Academy, Matt Cassel makes too much money, there is no hope.

And so, I will continue to watch games when it’s convenient.  I will never stop rooting for the Chiefs.  I know that someday the Chiefs will be respectable.  I know that there will once again be a bandwagon.  And I can promise you; I will be on that wagon.  I am just going to have someone save my seat for now.   After 29 years of Chiefs fan-dom, three playoff wins, no super bowl appearances, and way too many “next year is going to be the year” moments, I think I have earned that spot. 

And just in case next year is actually, the year.

Slaps!  You all heard me.

Steel-ing a Victory (It’s a Pun, Get it!?!?)

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Posted by Lachky on 11/23/2009 – 12:22pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

I spent yesterday furniture shopping.  That’s right.  A Sunday in the middle of November walking the vast aisles of cherry wood and leather that is the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center in Urbandale Iowa.  I forwent NFL week 11 to look for dining room tables and area rugs for my new place, and help my roommate find a new mattress*

* Which led to the inevitable “two straight guys lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes” which led to the inevitable, “two straight guys nearly getting kicked out of the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center for lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes.”

I was not watching football, no sir.  I was lost in the intoxicating madness of zero-percent interest for 24 months and pre-holiday shopping madness.  I didn’t even realize that football was going on until I walked past the HDTV department and saw Brett Favre laughing on the sidelines at the end of the Vikings game (he’s like a kid out there!!), at which point, I decided to open up my cell phone, and see how hard the Chiefs got spanked.

The next two minutes went like this: “Wait…what??  That’s gotta be a misprint.  Overtime?!?!”  I called my dad and he regaled me with like play-by-play beginning with Jovan Belcher’s tackle of Mendenhall on third down.  I shrieked so excitedly when Succop kicked the game-winner, that I got more stares than when I was demonstrating the superiority of the Sealy Posturepedic to the Simmons Beautyrest re: the doggystyle position.

So what’s there to say??  How can I possibly analyze a game that I didn’t even have a vested enough interest in to watch??  Well I can’t…really.  Alls I know is from looking at highlights and statistics, which tell the story of a team that got lucky to the tune of a 97-yard kickoff return and a 94-yard interception return.  But, they still won the game.

I like to view sports thru a statistical lens.  Don’t tell me how much “poise” a QB has, or how much “heart” a defense plays with.  Those are made-up things that manifest themselves by way of sportswriters who can’t think of anything better to write.  Give me something concrete that I can sink my teeth into. 

By that rationale, it doesn’t seem like the Chiefs are getting any better.  Sure they won, but statistically they got their asses handed to them.  They can’t win week-in, week-out with the group of flunkies they keep trotting out.  We already know this.  The stats say so.

But, there was one thing that I saw in the highlights this week that made me go, “Hmmm.”  It was something that was beyond the boxscore, beyond the statistics, and something that I think the Chiefs can truly build on.    At the end of the game, Succop’s field goal sailed thru the uprights, about a dozen Chief’s players immediately went to Todd Haley to give him a bearhug.

So much as been said about Haley being an asshole*, and most of it is probably true.  Thing is, when the Chiefs do succeed, it seems as if they gravitate toward him.  And it doesn’t seem as if it is being done in a sarcastic, “we won despite you being a jackass,” sort of a way.  It seems as if it’s being done in a, “I know you drive us hard, but man, that makes the payoff that much more sweet,” sort of way.  And on top of that, it looked like he actually enjoyed it!!  When Dwayne Bowe dropped a bucket of Gatorade on his dome after his first win in DC, he looked like Haley was about to rip his head off.. .

* Seriously.  Googlefish ‘Todd Haley is.’  The only thing that pre-populates is ‘a jerk.’

And I hate writing stuff like that, because it is not statistical.  It’s not concrete.  There is no smile/frown ratio to reference when making that point.

Still, if a miracle win against a team that thoroughly destroyed you in every was is what is needed for a team to trust their hard-driving head coach, than so be it. 

Hell, he’s even got Jason Whitlock convinced…though I don’t know if that’s just because Whitty’s too exhausted from writing three whole columns in the past week to write anything else…too bad there’s not a stat for that.

Dear Larry

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 11/11/2009 – 4:38pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

Dear Larry Johnson,

 First off, thank you.  Thank you for everything that you did back in 2005 and 2006.  When Priest Holmes went down with a hip injury that made us all cringe, you were there to “take the diapers off”, and pick up where he left off.  You were awesome.  Seeing you dive into the end zone with no time left to win a game against the Raiders was so cool.  Watching you barrel through the middle of defenses was amazing.  You never were going to break away from a chasing tackler, but you didn’t care.  You had no intention of being tackled by him anyway.  You would just carry him with you into the end zone again.  So yeah, do we owe you some praise?  Absolutely.  Did you make KC Chiefs football enjoyable for us fans for a few years?  No doubt.  You were great.  Thanks.

That being said, fuck off.  Go away.  We don’t owe you a thing.  You have made your millions.  Whether or not you have any of them left is quite another question.  We don’t care.  Go anywhere; just don’t come back here.  And don’t think that we ever want you back here.  Did I really hear this quote from you yesterday?

“Hopefully, maybe someday, when I’m 33, 34, and I’ve still got a little bit of burn left, they’ll let me come back and get those yards.”

This made me feel like I was in the middle of dumping a girlfriend, and she just asked if we were going to remain close.  Uh, no.  No thanks.  Look, I know that we are not a good football team.  We are young.  We need to get some more talent.  But what we don’t need is you, your 1.8 ypc this season, you off the field shenanigans, your Twitter account, or your name on the Chiefs’ record books. 

I know that someone will sign you.  It may even be this week.  Lord knows there are enough shitty teams in the NFL.  Maybe they can use you.  You claim to have “competitive issues”.  I guess “competitive issues” roughly translates to “I have no idea how to act like an adult or how to be appreciative of all the blessings I have in life”.  So yeah, enjoy Washington D.C. or Tampa Bay.  You won’t be missed. 

So many times, over the last few years, you screwed up.  You would get caught, your agent would issue a statement, you would apologize, promise that you would change, and then never live up to your word.  Here is another quote from you yesterday:

“I started in Kansas City,” Johnson said. “I wouldn’t have no problem going back and trying to finish my career in Kansas City.”

I pray that you re-read, and live up to that statement, moron.

Regards,

L. Wood Kellogg

The Chiefs Mood Counter

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Posted by Lachky on 10/19/2009 – 1:59pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

If you are a denizen of the vast maze of the interwebs as I am – cycling thru the news cycle by way of various sites and links every day – you might have noticed something whilst running across any NBC local affiliate website since the end of July.  It was then that NBC redesigned its local web experience and introduced a “mood counter” for each one of their stories.

It works like this: when you pull up a story on an NBC owned and operated affiliate website, you have the choice in participating in an unscientific mood poll by choosing how the story you are reading makes you feel.  There are six categories: furious, sad, bored, thrilled, intrigued, and laughing.  The results are displayed on the margins and the top of the page.  Pretty simple, right?  Well, since KC doesn’t have an affiliate website, I thought it would be fun to run the mood counter thru the gauntlet of crap that is the Kansas City Chiefs.

Ready?

Chiefs fans are furious at Herm Edwards and Carl Peterson for leaving the cupboard so bare.  Tough this sentiment is losing traction.  Todd Haley’s assertion that he could take 52 guys of the street and win two games in the NFL is looming over this season, and the fact that we won as ugly as we did doesn’t exactly inspire confidence that he’ll reach that goal.  With every pitiful performance, the pendulum on the anger-meter is swinging ever closer to the Pioli/Haley side.

Chiefs fans are sad about the handling of Derrick Johnson.  DJ was hailed as a savior when he somewhat miraculously fell to the Chiefs in the 2005 draft.  His oft-disappearing style of play has marked him as nothing less than a huge disappointment in his time here, but this season, when he’s been on the field, he has contributed.  The problem is that he’s long been in Haley’s doghouse, and his recent up-tick in playing time seems to originate not from an increase in ability, but from an effort to boost his trade value.

It is sad when you know that ¾ of the players on the field are likely to be sent for the trash bin as soon as something better comes along, but this is certainly not the ending foreseen by those who bought a 56 Johnson jersey in the spring of 2005.

Chiefs fans are bored with the season.  Already.  Please, do we really have to care for 12 more weeks??  I guess we do.  It is brutal to watch a team that is in the bottom five in all offensive and defensive categories, but I think that we can all agree that…

…Chiefs fans are thrilled with the fact that we actually won a game.  Hey, whatever else happens this season, at least we’re not going 0-16.

Chiefs fans are intrigued about Russell Okung.  Who?  Get used to hearing it.  The 6’5” 315 lb-er out of Oklahoma State is one of the top LT prospects in the 2010 draft, and is the odds-on favorite to don the Arrowhead next fall.  Say what you want about creating a pass rush, or building a defense, the most glaring weakness on this football team is it’s porous O-Line.  What I’m really intrigued about is how Branden Albert still has his neck intact after giving up 4.5 sacks and getting flagged four times in the first five games.

Chiefs fans are laughing at Haley’s Gatorade shower and post-game weep-fest.  Seriously, guys, act like you’ve been there before.  Though I can’t say that I really blame them.  After all, who knows when we’ll be back in the winner’s circle again.

Anyone Need A Hockey Team?

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 10/17/2009 – 4:06pm
Filed under Feature

So I know you were all done with the Royals in, uh, June or so.  I know you are all just about done with the Chiefs.  KU basketball is about to start, but it doesn’t really matter until the first of the year.  So what are you going to do with yourself???  Bellwether and I talked a little bit about why you should care about hockey.  You may even have some interest.  But being that Boots Tea-Baggio is doing hard time instead of moving a team into the Sprint Center, you probably have no idea who to watch.  I have a solution that I think will fit your needs…

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Minnesota Wild.

Minnesota???  Why would I give a shit about Minnesota??

I’ll tell you why.  The Wild fit exactly into the mold of Kansas City sports.  It’s actually kind of creepy.  Not Bellweather-Dushku-obsession creepy.  But creepy.  Allow me to explain.

What are some of the characteristics of a typical sports team in Kansas City?  Let’s list a few:

  1. They stink
  2. They have very little actual talent
  3. They have nice stadiums
  4. Their management has run them into the ground
  5. They draft poorly
  6. They make poor personnel decisions
  7. They have new coaches and GM’s
  8. They have a loyal and tortured fan base
  9. They don’t seem to have anything to look forward to

 I could keep going, but that should cover it for now.  Now, let’s take a look at these in relation to Kansas City and the Minnesota Wild.

1. They stink – We all the know the Chiefs can’t win (they can’t usually even cover), and we’re all very familiar with the epic losing of the other team across the parking lot.  The Wild suck.  They are 1-5-0.  They are currently 0-4 on a 5 game road trip. The one win they have they got by coming back from a 3 goal deficit in the third period in their home opener.  So do they fit?  Um, yeah.  Check.

2. They have very little actual talent – Greinke, Butler, Cassel (I guess), you would keep these guys if you were going to blow up the teams and start over.  But I am having a really tough time coming up with much else.  Same for the Wild.  Their goalie (Niklas Backstrom) came in second in voting for the Vezina Trophy (best goalie in the NHL) last season.  Martin Havlat was their big free agent pickup from the Blackhawks last season.  Brent Burns will be an All-Star defenseman in a year or two. Those are the only three that I think would have legitimate shots at playing any significant minutes on a contending team.  Watch one Wild game, and then tell me differently.  I dare you.  Check.

3. They have nice stadiums – We all love the K and Arrowhead.  They are great places to watch bad sports.  The Wild built the Xcel Energy Center in 2000.  It is regarded as one of the, if not the, nicest places to watch hockey in the league.  The tickets are reasonable, the atmosphere is awesome, the sight lines are all good, and the hockey stinks.  Check

4. Their management has run them into the ground – Following a surprising run to the Western Conference Finals in 2004, the Wild seemed to be on the verge of becoming a perennial contender.  Almost.   The former GM, Doug Risebrough, constantly failed to sign their potential free agents in time, they became free agents, and left for nothing.  Always letting your players leave with nothing in return empties the draft pool for you.  Add to that trading your draft picks for old veterans who don’t have anything left in the tank (Pavol Demitra, I am looking at you) leads you to…

5. They draft poorly – When the Wild have had draft picks, they have bombed.  You look at the stars of the league like Crosby, Malkin, and Ovechkin.  These are draft picks that are supreme talents, and their teams have reaped the rewards of drafting them,  The Wild have picked no one of any value.  Pierre Mark Bouchard??  A.J. Thelen???  Benoit Puliot??  Peter McBonereater??? Try and guess which of those first round pick names I made up.

6. They make poor personnel decisions – Tell me if this sounds familiar: An aging free agent is getting offers from some teams.  He would fill a void in your lineup, but he gets injured a lot, and wants way too much money.  So your team signs him to a ridiculously overpriced contract for 4 years, and it hamstrings your franchise.  Jose Guillen…no Mark Parrish.  He hasn’t played a game in two years, but the Wild are still paying him, and he hits on the salary cap.  Check.

7. They have new coaches and GM’s – The Wild have a new GM named Chuck Fletcher.  I know nothing about him other than if I was an NHL GM, I would go by Charles.  They also have a new coach named Todd Richards.  Chuck and Todd sound like the very nice couple of guys who live in the apartment down the hall from me…if you know what I mean.  Check.

8. Loyal and Tortured Fan base – Minnesota is the “State of Hockey”.  It’s in their blood.  It’s basically Canada.  So the NHL took their franchise and moved it to Dallas.  How is that possible??  How did anyone think that would be okay?  Years later, they are rewarded with an expansion team.  They have suffered through what an expansion team does, and they hate losing, but still sell out EVERY GAME.  Check.

9. They don’t seem to have anything to look forward to – We all know the Royals are not going to be good next year.  It’s been well documented that they have their hands tied this off season.  The Chiefs don’t have much going for them unless they somehow have 20-25 first round picks in April’s draft.  Same for the Wild.  They have absolutely nothing in their minor league system thanks to poor, and a lack of, draft picks.  There is a hard salary cap, and the Wild are right at it.  They have a lot of long term dollars tied up in crappy players.  This season is pretty shot, and next year isn’t looking good either.  Check.

So there you have it.  Look at the Minnesota Wild, and tell me that they don’t fit right in.  Give them a chance.  Get the NHL package and become a fan.  What else are you going to do until March Madness?

 Oh, and the Wild play in Vancouver tonight at 9:00pm central.  What’s nice about the really late games is that you can get good and sauced before the game even starts, then the loss doesn’t hurt as bad.  Go Wild!!!!