Tag Archives: Facebook

LWood is… Bitching Again

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 06/26/2010 – 12:08am
Filed under Feature

I haven’t watched the Cardinals/Royals  game yet tonight.  I am going to watch it shortly.

It’s funny; on 95% of nights, I don’t watch the Royals game until at least 10:30-11:00, and I try to avoid places where I may accidentally see the final score.  That means no ESPN, no other baseball games, I can only watch the first 20 minutes of the local news, and I even got busted catching about 3 minutes of game 7 of the NBA finals.  I fucking hate when I accidentally find out the score.  Let’s be honest here; 60% of the games I watch are going to be losses.  But at least I can watch most of the game, and hope that the Royals will stage some magical comeback.   But once I see the score, I will more than likely just delete it, and find something shitty on TV to watch instead.

Because the Cardinals are playing in KC tonight, there is another place that I have to avoid like the plague…

Facebook

I can’t take a chance that one of my classically bandwagon St. Louis “friends” might leak something in their status update.  You know it would be something like, “Felipe*__thinks the cards r gunna win the hole thing this year if they play like they did 2nite in KC.  Go cards!”

*Name changed to protect the idiots.

So since I haven’t watched the game yet, I only have three things that I can blog about tonight.  Those are: 1. The NHL draft 2. Financial Regulatory Reform or 3. The shit that I hate on Facebook (more specifically, status updates).

Let’s go with Facebook.  The following is a list of my five biggest pet peeves that I see in people’s status updates:

5. Random Song Lyrics – I know almost every lyric to every popular song that has been written in the last 30 years.  I am the fucking karaoke king.

Hugh Jerection__ ”Once beneath the stars/the universe was ours/love was all we knew/and all I knew was you.”

Even I cannot figure out what obscure line from a song you just posted.  Two questions for you: 1. What fucking song is that from?  2. Why the fuck is it important that we all see it?

4. Play by play of you watching a game – I am watching the game.  You are watching the game.  Lots of people are watching the game.  I like a little camaraderie during the game.  I usually stick with texts to HP.  What I don’t need to is open my Facebook and see nothing but posts from you…

Seymore Butts__ ”Whew!”

Seymore Butts__ ”That was a travel”

Seymore Butts__ “Come on guys, pull you heads out of you’re a$$e$!”

Seymore Butts__ ”Make a shot, Johnson.”

Seymore Butts__ ”Nice rebound”

You catch my drift.  Those posts would have only covered the final 19 seconds of the game.  Shut the fuck up.  Besides, why are you on Facebook while you’re watching the game anyway?  Just watch the damn game…

3. Work travel schedules – Come on, you have these people.

Oliver Closoff__ ”ORD -> LAX today.  Then LAX -> MCI tomorrow through Thursday.”

I don’t care where the hell you are working this week.  It’s not like I would need to track you down on your hotel land line or something.  If you’re wondering about my schedule this coming week, it is STL -> STL every goddamn day.

2.  How much love you have for your significant other – Yes, I know you love your wife.  You married her, duh?

Mike Hunt__ ”I am so blessed to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world.  She is my light and my rock.  It’s been the best 11 weeks I have ever had.  I love you, Donna!”

I tell my fiancée I love her every day…in the privacy of my own home.  I don’t feel the need to broadcast it to 386 people that I haven’t actually spoken to in four years.  Get a room.

1. Your Exercise – I am pretty sure that I don’t need to explain this to anyone.

Heywood Jablowme__ “Started out thinking I would only run 6 miles this morning, but felt so good at the 5 mile mark, just kept going.  Ended up doing 37 miles before work.  Plus tonight I am at the gym from 7:00-11:00.  Tuesdays are arms and back.  All in a day’s work…”

I hate you.   Besides, for all we know you could be lying.  What time did you finally roll into the office anyway?  Really?  9:00?  Did you start your run yesterday?  It’s a computer program.  If I didn’t have pictures on my page I could tell everyone I was 6’1” 200 lbs. too.

So here is the deal.  If you happen to be one of my Facebook “friends”, and you use any of these five items in you update, I am removing you from my “friend” list.  It’s that simple.

Oh, and don’t tell me the Royals score…

LWood Kellogg__ “Why do I bother/when you’re not the one for me/is enough enough?   Come on Zack!  Oh, of you need me I’ll be traveling to Barcelona in the morning, and Guadalhara in the afternoon.  Before that though I need to take a 20 mile run and a poop.  Oh, and I love you baby!  See you when I get done watching the game…

Don’t Be A Louis

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 03/26/2010 – 11:15am
Filed under Feature, Local College

I know you have been anxiously waiting.  I know this.  I have been waiting too.  I just didn’t know what to do after the Jayhawks got Pantherized last Saturday.  I promise I won’t dwell on this.

I blame this entirely on the three douchebags who played darts for 6 hours at the Sports Attic.  Because they were doing that, HP and I were unable to sit in our seats.  We were forced instead to sit in the less reliable section.*  It just didn’t work.  I tried to will Kansas to victory.  HP gave it his best effort.  My wonderful fiancée continued sending positive vibes via the text line to us at the Attic (and she’s a Mizzou fan, God love her).  Down 10 with 10 or so to go, we thought the tides had turned for the better.  Hall and Oates came on the speakers, and we danced. 

*If you ever make it to the Sports Attic, go to the back two tables. The one on the left is the one that HP knocked over jubilantly after Mario’s Miracle.  So we have won some games there, but we have also not exactly played our A-game at times as well.

I’ll say that again.  HP and I danced like morons to Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True”.   Feel free to click here, and enjoy while you finish this column.

We had to do something to change the momentum.  And it sort of did.  KU went on their mini-run after that.  Apparently, Hall and Oates inspires finally using a full court press to speed the game up.  But alas, it wasn’t enough.

So here I sit, on my couch with my computer.  $170 worth of St. Louis regional finals tickets on the table, Bellwether and his parents in a car somewhere between KC and Columbia, and no Jayhawks to watch.  Oh well, at least we’ll have beer.

Now, that is all I am going to say about KU until next fall.  I have gone through all the stages of grief finally settling somewhere between “Depression” and “Acceptance”, and that is where I am going to stay until the tournament is actually over.  Then and only then will I move permanently into “Depression” just in time for Royals baseball.

No, I want to talk about something else.  My most hated “Facebook Friend”. 

Louis.

I will withhold the last name, not because I think he will read this, but because the KCSP legal department has advised me to do so.*

*The KCSP legal department is located just down the hall from my office here at headquarters, and consists entirely of D-Lee watching old episodes of Ally McBeal

Louis is the worst sports fan…ever.

There, I said it.  This is the guy who for some reason is the biggest fan of the most hated teams in the world for absolutely NO REASON.  Louis was born and raised in Iowa.  He still lives there.  He will never leave there.  And here are his teams…

Yankees

Lakers

Kentucky Basketball

USC Football

And a recent addition this past season was the Saints.

How do you justify being that big of an asshole???  Look, I am not saying that you cannot like whoever you want to like…wait…yes I am!  You have to have legitimate reasons for liking your teams.  Here are the legitimate reasons in order: 

  1. It’s where you were born – I was born in KC, therefore I have a right (and an obligation, quite frankly) to root for the Royals, Chiefs, and Jayhawks.
  2. You lived in the town at some point, but didn’t already have an allegiance to a team in that particular sport – If and when I ever take the time to give a shit about the NBA, I root for the Indiana Pacers.  I lived in Indianapolis, and did not have a basketball team from KC.  Therefore I am allowed to grab the Pacers.  (God all my teams suck).
  3. You went to the college – Here is where you get some gray areas.  I didn’t go to KU, but I am covered on them in rule #1.  I do root for Drake, but in the event that KU and Drake ever meet for a national title, I will stick with KU because they were there first.  I will also stab my testicles with sharp objects.
  4. You swap allegiances because you now own season tickets – I lived in Detroit for a while.  The Red Wings became my hockey team because it was the first time I lived in a town with a hockey team per rule #2.  However, when I moved to Minnesota, and the NHL announced an expansion team for St. Paul, we bought (and still own) season tickets to the Wild.  Therefore I can claim the Wild as my team, and renounce the Wings.  However, you must renounce your former team completely.  None of this “Well, I like the Wild.  But they aren’t very good, so I will root for the Wings in the playoffs”.  It’s all or nothing.
  5. You have a religious affiliation (The Notre Dame Rule) – If you are Catholic, have ever been Catholic, or have a Catholic grandfather, you can like Notre Dame.

That’s it.  Those are the rules.  So I don’t want to see status updates from Louis saying, “Kentcuky showing why it’s the shiznit.  Go Cats”.  That is an actual post from Louis last night.  I don’t want to hear it from any of you unless you can apply the above rules first. 

Don’t be a Louis. 

Who says shiznit, by the way???  That’s more dated than Hall and Oates.

Enough With The Tweeting

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 10/28/2009 – 3:24pm
Filed under Feature

Whenever I go with Hipolito Pichardo to our favorite sports bar to watch a game, he has an annoying habit.  HP always insists that we turn the sound way up on whatever TV we are at so that we can hear the announcers and the players.  I have no idea why.  Most of the time they add about as much value to a game as shots of celebrities in the crowd.  Why do we listen to this crap??  Why do we care what athletes say.

 LJ’s latest verbal diarrhea has been well documented.  I have read all kinds of analysis regarding his tweets and subsequent apology and subsequent banishment from Arrowhead, and I have a hint for you sports writers out there.  You ready???

 I DON’T CARE.

 I don’t.  I couldn’t be more apathetic towards what these athletes say on their facebook accounts.  I got on facebook today.  The most interesting thing I read was someone talking about how they felt John Grisham’s new novel sucks.  And that was from someone I know.  I don’t care about Tyshawn’s broken English.  I care more about his broken finger. 

 Andre Agassi used crystal meth, lied about it, and is coming clean.   Hmmmm, yup, I don’t care.  There are enough problems in the world.  You think using Meth makes you special, Andre??  I live in Missouri.  Most people here use meth.*

 *That’s a total lie.  Well…

 Bob Griese has been suspended by ESPN for making, what may have been, a racist remark about Juan Pablo Montoya.   Again, I don’t care.  Who cares that Bob thinks that tacos were invented in Colombia.  I would have been more interested had he referred to Montoya as Pablo Escobar.  Or if he had said, “maybe he went out for some cocaine”.  

 Steve Phillips is banging an ugly intern.  I don’t…uh…actually, I do care on this one.  Why is Steve nailing this girl?  She is horrible looking.  My god.   Steve, buddy, I don’t know what your wife looks like (googling…), okay I do now.    She’s not perfect, but what the hell???

 Anyway, I guess my point is that if the media would just ignore these people and their tweets, posts, e-mails and interns, they would probably just stop making them.  Now, I am off to update my facebook status:

 L. Wood Kellogg is…getting a taco, banging an intern, and doing meth.