Seriously, does this thing still work?  With Bellweather and me on our Whitlock-esque summer vacations*, I wasn’t even sure my passwords still worked.  I know my direct deposit stopped…

*I’ll let you figure out which one of us got fired like him, too.

Anyway, so here I am.  How have you been?   I am good.  Made the final payment on my MLB package this month.  So now, I am watching the Royals suck for free (at least that’s how I look at it.)  Speaking of watching the Royals suck; hey the Royals suck.  Actually, I am watching Bruce Chen right now.  I am getting the Detroit feed, and the announcers were discussing how Chen used to have “a little more zip” on his fastball, and a good changeup.  Now he has had to be “more crafty” with his arm slot and pitch selection.  This is code for “Old dude who is filling a slot until someone, anyone frankly, can come along and take his place”.

But it got me thinking about  something.  No, it did not involve a noose, any amount of pills or a razor blade.  No, it actually drew a nice parallel to one of my favorite teams of all time. Let’s see if you can guess.  I will provide you with the current Royals player plus some details of how he relates to someone on this “team from the past” I am thinking of.  See how long it takes you to figure out which team I am thinking of.

Here we go…

Bruce Chen – A crafty veteran, who doesn’t have much left in his arm.  Because of this he has to use anything possible to be successful.  He’ll toss every piece of junk he’s got just to get guys out.

Jason Kendall – Veteran, no really veteran catcher who is really just looking for one more good summer in the sun.  No word on how much time he spends at the KC library.

Kila Kia’ahua – Foreign (at least as far as I am concerned) guy with a lot of power, but not even Jesus can help him hit a curve ball.

Got it???  Yeah, it’s Major League.  This is so effed up, it’s kind of ridiculous.  Let’s take this further…

(By the way, the first three were Harris, Jake, and Cerrano)

Bryan Bullington – Young guy with a good arm who has continually struggled with control.  Give this guy a bad haircut and a dangly earring, and we’re in business.

Wilson Bettemit – This guy is the black Roger Dorn.  I mean, veteran guy, okay bat, terrible in the field, and looking for an okay year so he can go free agent.  Plus, I am pretty sure Bullington slept with his wife*.

*I can’t back that up, but I think we should start that rumor anyway.  Maybe it’ll light a fire under someone.

Ned Yost – Yeah, I know he doesn’t have a moustache, but he is a sap that actually believes the Royals are worth a damn, just like Lou Brown.  At the All-Star break, he suggested that this team was still in the hunt for the division.  No word on how his naked cut-out of David Glass went over.

Chris Getz – Look, I know that he doesn’t play the right position, but if I told you one of the current Royals ran like Hayes but hit like Shit, who would you think I was talking about??  If only we could get Chris to do pushups every time he looks Special Olympic-ish at the plate.

Ryan Lefebvre – Come on, he’s just like Harry Doyle!  A drunk…wait, I am thinking of Dan Mclaughlin.  Sorry, wrong side of Missouri.

Thanks for having some fun with me tonight.  HP keeps telling me that the Royals have a bunch of talent coming up soon.  I hope he’s right.  Because if Mike Moustakas and Will Myers end up like Isuro Tanaka and Rube Baker, we’re in deep shit again.

Maybe we can get Omar Epps to replace Getz at second, and just hope that no one notices…

Hey, I guess this thing does still work.