Moustakas Autograph
Opening Day - Tons of Strikeouts
Seriously, does this thing still work? With Bellweather and me on our Whitlock-esque summer vacations*, I wasn’t even sure my passwords still worked. I know my direct deposit stopped…
*I’ll let you figure out which one of us got fired like him, too.
Anyway, so here I am. How have you been? I am good. Made the final payment on my MLB package this month. So now, I am watching the Royals suck for free (at least that’s how I look at it.) Speaking of watching the Royals suck; hey the Royals suck. Actually, I am watching Bruce Chen right now. I am getting the Detroit feed, and the announcers were discussing how Chen used to have “a little more zip” on his fastball, and a good changeup. Now he has had to be “more crafty” with his arm slot and pitch selection. This is code for “Old dude who is filling a slot until someone, anyone frankly, can come along and take his place”.
But it got me thinking about something. No, it did not involve a noose, any amount of pills or a razor blade. No, it actually drew a nice parallel to one of my favorite teams of all time. Let’s see if you can guess. I will provide you with the current Royals player plus some details of how he relates to someone on this “team from the past” I am thinking of. See how long it takes you to figure out which team I am thinking of.
Here we go…
Bruce Chen – A crafty veteran, who doesn’t have much left in his arm. Because of this he has to use anything possible to be successful. He’ll toss every piece of junk he’s got just to get guys out.
Jason Kendall – Veteran, no really veteran catcher who is really just looking for one more good summer in the sun. No word on how much time he spends at the KC library.
Kila Kia’ahua – Foreign (at least as far as I am concerned) guy with a lot of power, but not even Jesus can help him hit a curve ball.
Got it??? Yeah, it’s Major League. This is so effed up, it’s kind of ridiculous. Let’s take this further…
(By the way, the first three were Harris, Jake, and Cerrano)
Bryan Bullington – Young guy with a good arm who has continually struggled with control. Give this guy a bad haircut and a dangly earring, and we’re in business.
Wilson Bettemit – This guy is the black Roger Dorn. I mean, veteran guy, okay bat, terrible in the field, and looking for an okay year so he can go free agent. Plus, I am pretty sure Bullington slept with his wife*.
*I can’t back that up, but I think we should start that rumor anyway. Maybe it’ll light a fire under someone.
Ned Yost – Yeah, I know he doesn’t have a moustache, but he is a sap that actually believes the Royals are worth a damn, just like Lou Brown. At the All-Star break, he suggested that this team was still in the hunt for the division. No word on how his naked cut-out of David Glass went over.
Chris Getz – Look, I know that he doesn’t play the right position, but if I told you one of the current Royals ran like Hayes but hit like Shit, who would you think I was talking about?? If only we could get Chris to do pushups every time he looks Special Olympic-ish at the plate.
Ryan Lefebvre – Come on, he’s just like Harry Doyle! A drunk…wait, I am thinking of Dan Mclaughlin. Sorry, wrong side of Missouri.
Thanks for having some fun with me tonight. HP keeps telling me that the Royals have a bunch of talent coming up soon. I hope he’s right. Because if Mike Moustakas and Will Myers end up like Isuro Tanaka and Rube Baker, we’re in deep shit again.
Maybe we can get Omar Epps to replace Getz at second, and just hope that no one notices…
Hey, I guess this thing does still work.
We all make mistakes.
It’s absolutely true. I do it all the time. No one is immune to it. The question is can you admit when you have made that mistake, learn from it, and better yourself. Dayton Moore did just that last week when he realized that hiring a white guy from Japan to be your manager just because he has a cool moustache, does not a winning baseball team make.
I will now follow suit with Mr. Moore. I too, have erred.
My last column, in which I was going to weed out candidates for the 2010 Royals MVP, was fucking stupid. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea at the time. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t sustainable for me to continue with that for NINE MORE COLUMNS. So I am admitting that it was a mistake, and I am cutting ties with it. Besides, we all know that Mike Aviles is going to win anyway, and I didn’t even have him on the list.
Now that we have that out of the way, how ‘bout them Royals?!?!?!? Thank God that D-Mo realized it was time for a change. Of course, it was time for a change in June of 2009 but who’s counting? I have watched all but two of the Royals games this season. One of them I have recorded, but I know what happens (they win). So I am saving that for rainy day. The other was last night’s disaster at Baltimore. I missed this one to drink, and play “Name That Tune Trivia” at a bar.*
*The bar I go to has the MLB package. It has about 12-15 TVs. It is usually only occupied by about 30-40 people. So why didn’t I see the game? Because people in St. Louis are assholes (or for you Ke$ha fans: As$holes), that’s why. God forbid the Cardinals are playing. Every TV in the bar is being watched individually by, it seems, one guy. The only TV not tuned to the Cardinals game is showing the NHL Conference Finals. Of course, there’s some redneck in a San Jose Sharks Starter jacket sitting glued to that one…in May…in Missouri. FML.
Based on my experience with the Royals over the years, and judging by what I have seen this far this season, my first (and most reasonable) inclination is to predict that the Royals will finish last in the AL Central and second to last in the American League. Many of you would probably agree with me. But that was before I was taking a dump at work yesterday.
Since the bank that I work for has not paid back the TARP money you lent us, we have a lot of restrictions placed on us by regulators. These include not being able to expand our branches, limits on executive pay, etc. We also have terrible toilet paper. I am convinced that someone has told us we cannot have nice TP until we repay that government money. That is the only logical conclusion I can come to as to why any company would provide this sand paper to its employees.
Did the Glass family receive any sort of bailout? I am just wondering because they seem to trot out what appears to be a pretty substandard product as well.
Anyway, so I was scraping my ass at work when I realized something; while it may be uncomfortable in the beginning, the horrible toilet paper actually gets the job done better in the end than the fancy stuff I have at home. It gets me clean better. It doesn’t fall apart. That three ply quilted stuff just seems to shred in your hand when you really are working hard, and that double roll brand absorbs about as well as wax paper. But not the crappy work TP. Plus, you can use as much as you like, and because it’s so thin, it cannot clog the toilet.
So what’s the point? You don’t always get what you pay for. Sometimes, the crappy work toilet paper comes out of nowhere and surprises you. That’s why I think the Royals will win the AL Central.
Toilet paper…
Yes, that’s what I am clinging to. Speaking of clinging, that dingleberry Betancourt just committed another error to give the Indians a 1-0 lead.
Maybe it’s that Honeymoon glow. Maybe it’s the fact that his name is not Trey Hillman. Maybe it’s the incredible restraint it must take the man to not grow a moustache. (He would totally look awesome with a moustache) Whatever it is, spending the weekend with Ned Yost has led to me completely and totally trusting the man. He’s the anti-Trey.
I was down in KC over the last weekend, and was therefore privy to 1.) actually watching the Royals, and 2.) getting first-hand accounts and analysis of Yost’s first series on the job from a number of respected talking-heads not named Jason Whitlock.
Trey Hillman is behind us, and I will be happy if I never utter his name again, so we don’t need to re-hash the idiocy of some of his moves. With Yost, you get the feeling that he’s not a reactionary type. He knows his players. He knows how to get the best out of them. He knows what to do in various baseball situations. Of course, these are the very basic characteristics that you want in a major league manager. And these are the characteristics that the previous Skip was lacking. The fact that Yost is at least competent already puts him light years ahead of Trey.
Also, Dave Owen…grrrrr
Yost isn’t without flaws. He got canned by the Brewers with 12 games left in the 2008 season while his team was in the middle of a pennant race. Which is odd. There were circumstances surrounding the firing that aren’t entirely known, but the fact is it happened. The reasons why are a little less than black-and-white, but he was the leader of a team that won 65 games the season before he got there, and made the playoffs six years later.
Of course, you don’t want to heap the credit strictly on him. You have Prince Fielder, JJ Hardy and Ryan Braun to thank for that. But, you do have to give Yost credit for this: he didn’t mess it up. Now, getting fired 12 games from the finish line might lead you to believe otherwise, but Dave Sevum (his replacement) only went 7-5 down the stretch. A lot has been said about that team being in a 3-11 slump before his firing, but prior to that stretch, the Brewers went 8-1. His firing seemed like a panic move, and all those who have analyzed it since tend to lean that way too.
But being Not Trey Hillman aside, there are three things that Yost did or said during the weekend that made me like and trust him. Here they are:
1.) Some of the critique of Yost prior to his being shown the door in Milwaukee surrounded his almost absolute refusal to use the sacrifice bunt as an offensive weapon. In the NL, with the pitcher batting 9th, it is generally assumed that the sac bunt in necessary and integral to success. However, Sabermetric research has shown that is it an absolute rally-killing croc. And Yost seems to agree. Martin Manley does a nice job of pointing this out by using numbers that frighten and confuse me…but still generally point me in the direction that Hillman was a quack, and Yost knows what the heck he’s doing.
2.) Much has been written about Luke Hochevar and his maddening inconsistency. He’s been good, and incomprehensibly bad, and a lot of it might have to do with his inability to keep his head on straight when things start to trend downward. Case-in-point: Saturday Night. Going into the 7th inning, with a three run lead, Hoch looked visibly shaken when the Alexi Ramirez got an infield single with one out on a ball that a shortstop with even average range (i.e. not named Yuniesky Betancourt) would have gotten to. He ended up losing control and giving up four runs, the lead and the game.
So what did Yost have to say after the game? Did he second-guess himself about not going to the bullpen earlier? Did he throw Yuni under the bus for not getting to an easily field-able ball? No. He said that was part of the plan; that Hoch needs to learn how to pitch himself out of jams. Wow. What a breath of fresh air. This is similar to Gil Meche coming back to the dugout after throwing 100+ in six the night before, and signaling to Yost for one more inning. Yost said no. He went to the pen, saved further wear on Meche’s shoulder, and got W.
If he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, at least he’s honest with how he does it, and that inspires confidence; something that is sorely lacking in this organization.
3.) The handling of Kila Monster getting sent back down again today. Yost knows his team, and the limitations surrounding it. And I’m speaking here of Ka’ahuie’s inability to make it on the field during his most recent stint on the big club. Instead of talking in vague overtones about the competitiveness of his need for more seasoned instruction, Yost plainly stated that with Jose Guillen and Big Stroker entrenched at DH and 1B, there simply enough at-bats to go ‘round. “It just kills me to see Kila sitting on the bench and not playing,” said Yost, “I think he’s a huge part of our future, and for me I’d much rather have him down there right now, getting his at-bats, playing first base and if something happened he could come back here.”
By acknowledging things which any educated Royals fan most certainly already knows, instead of dismissing it outright in some attempt to prove his legitimacy as a manager, Yost effectively justified his decision, however unpopular amongst the populous.
I for one am excited for having Yost in a Royals uniform. I know that we’re not going to be competitive for a while with the talent we have on the team, but you know what? So does Ned Yost. And that’s more than I can say for…what’s his name? Traysomething? I’ve already forgotten.
Thank God.
I want to apologize to all of my fans (yeah, both of you). I know that you have come to expect a level of commitment from me when it comes to posting my columns. Allow me to explain. You see, I lost my job back in November. I decided not to air all of that here because, frankly, none of you really care. There are pros and cons to being unemployed for an extended period of time.
Pros: Sleep in, stay up late, write more columns, watch Foxnews (all day), frequent afternoon “catnaps”, all the days run together, no “Mondays”, etc.
Cons: No money, watch Foxnews (all bleeping day)*, feelings of despair and hopelessness not relating to the Chiefs or Royals, permanent butt grooves on my couch, boredom.
*Look, I love Foxnews. However, there are a few things that really got to me over the last five or so months. Every single commercial on Foxnews is for one of three things: Gold (you should buy gold), Car insurance (you should buy car insurance), and people who can settle your debts with credit cards or the IRS when you spend too much on car insurance and gold. I want to open my own tax settlement company called, “You Just Have To Pay It”. I can see the commercial now. Open with Bellweather looking extremely concerned with bills laying all around him. He looks in the camera and says, “I owed the IRS $36,000 in back taxes!” Now relieved, he says, “I called Logg’s Tax Service, and I only paid $36,000!!! Thanks Logg”. Maybe our taxes wouldn’t be so high if everyone just paid what they were supposed to. Just a thought.
But as of a couple of weeks ago, The Logg is employed again. This has severely limited my writing. Not because I haven’t been watching the Royals (I haven’t missed one excruciating game yet), but because I am tired when I get home. I used to be able to get up around 10, surf the internet in my underwear until noon, eat a frozen pizza, bang out a column around 1 or 2, and still have time for a nap with Sheppard Smith droning on in the background. Now, I get home, eat something, watch American Idol, catch as much of the Royals game as I can tolerate, and sleep. Not a lot of time for writing.
That being said, I need to do something. As I mentioned before, I have watched all 24 of the Royals games this season. There have been some bright spots here and there. But for the most part, it has been a disaster. And it got me thinking…
Do you realize that someone from this team is going to be named “Royals MVP 2010”??? It’s true. No matter if the Royals lose 125 games this season, they will still have a first grade soccer team-esque banquet where everyone gets a participation trophy, and someone will win the MVP. So here is what we are gonna do: cue Ryan Seacrest…
This…is ROYALS IDOL
The competition will be between all Royals position players on the active roster as of today that see regular playing time. There is no reason to involve the pitchers here since none of them with the exception of one is worth diddly. So your top ten contestants are:
David DeJesus, Scott Podsednik, Billy Butler, Jose Guillen, Alberto Callaspo, Jason Kendall, Alex Gordon, Mitch Maier, Rick Ankiel, and Yuniesky Betancourt. Every few days I will post a blog about the last few games, and then I will vote one off. What the hell else do you have to do?
Episode one:
Your bottom three for the period between game one and May 1st:
Jason Kendall – BA .288 HR 0 RBI 4 BB 8 SLG .457
Look, the Royals are getting most of what they expected from Kendall. He’s not going to hit a bunch of homeruns or drive in a ton of runs. He started the season on a pretty good streak hitting-wise. But I am sick of hearing about how well he handles the staff. What evidence do we have of that??? Have you seen the bullpen??? His inclusion in the bottom three is based mainly on his inability to get the ball out the infield over the last five games. How many weak groundouts to the pitcher can one man hit?
Tonight he’ll be singing “Old Man” by Neil Young
Randy: Dog, check it out, check it out, check it out. Yo, that wasn’t my favorite performance by you. It was pitchy in parts. You threw out Longoria last night, but honestly dude, the throw was in the dirt, yo. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter. That being said, I love everything about you. There, I said it. That is, except the fact that you’re a man.
Kara: You know what I like about you, Jason? You know who you are. You don’t try to do too much up there, and it suits you. Stay true to your soul, and maybe try going the other way every once in a while. Also, I wouldn’t mind feeling your hand in my catchers mitt, if you know what I mean.
Simon: I didn’t get that at all. It was like an elephant trying to make love to a hubcap, if you know what I mean. All that being said, I think you’re safe for now.
Mitch Maier – BA .257 HR 0 RBI 6 BB 6 SLG .457
Mitch has filled in admirably during Rick Ankiel’s steroid binge foot injury. But he is not a long term solution in center field. Mitch hit a couple of triples over the last week, but at times he looks completely overmatched at the plate. He does have good speed in the field. So that’s a plus, I guess.
Tonight he’ll be singing “Put Me In Coach” by John Fogerty
Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, check it out, yo, check it out, dog. Dog, that was hot. You know I like you, right? I am a fan of you because you’re current. Don’t worry that you can’t hit major league breaking balls. Stick with it, yo. That was hot!!!
Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter. That being said, I get paid a lot of money to pre-write jokes to do here. So let me get my notes out. Here we go. When you are at the plate you look more scared that Obama when someone mentions the words Blagojevic and subpoena. *pause* Good job.
Kara: Mitch, I can feel your soul when you’re out there. I look at you and I think, “Here’s a guy who knows who he is.” You’re believable. Why don’t you meet me after this, and we can see if you can smack a triple into one of my corners?
Simon: Mitch, look, it’s not working. It was like watching a cat trying to tap dance on the moon, and wondering why he doesn’t have more oven cleaner. Sorry…
Alex Gordon – BA .194 HR 1 RBI 1 BB 6 SLG .323
Alex is coming off an injury…again. So I am trying to give him a little bit of slack here. How is it that the most hyped hitting prospect the Royals have had in 2 decades cannot seem to put the bat on any breaking pitch that goes away from him? It’s not even close. It’s like throwing nothing but curve balls to Pedro Serrano (pre-chicken sacrifice).
Tonight he’ll be singing “Favorite Mistake” by Sheryl Crow
Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, dog. Check it out, check it out, check it out, yo, yo, yo, dog. Yo, when I saw you were doing that, I was like “whoa?” And then at the beginning I was like, “whoa.” But then I was like “whoa!” You worked it out. Whoa.
Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter. That being said, I liked it. Oh, hang on. Uh, Alex, you go after more balls in the dirt than Pigpen’s girlfriend. Where’s my check?
Kara: Alex, you have an aura about you. It makes me feel all warm in my lady parts. Stay true to who you are, and maybe we can get together after this and play the “hot corner” together.
Simon: Alex, that was completely wrong for you. It was like a little mouse who can’t find his way to Evansville, Indiana even though he has a trash can AND a bag of Clydesdale excrement, you know? Sorry…
Okay, the results are in. The contestant who will be leaving us tonight is…
Mitch Maier.
Mitch, thanks for filling in, but this just isn’t the year that you’ll be named best of the worst team in baseball. Tune in next week when our theme will be shitty baseball players who choke away games.
Good night. Seacrest out.
Shut up. Just shut up please about this whole “Opening Day is the hope-iest time of the year!!” crap. Not that I don’t care about baseball. It is great; America’s pastime and all of that George Plimpton-esque prose. Sure, you can read all of the aging sportswriter clichés and try to recapture your youth and the grandeur of the Great American Game. But please, don’t insult my intelligence.
Don’t tell me that The Royals have any chance.
Because we don’t. I’ve said it before that we don’t and, in case you didn’t hear me the first time: WE DON’T.
So I don’t want to hear it. I know what’s gonna happen even before it does. And what’s gonna happen is we’re gonna lose. A lot.
Now, I’m not going to go thru all of the reasons why we’re going to lose. I mean, all you have to do is look at the construction of the roster, and you can see it. No offense, no defense, no bullpen. We have three weapons at our disposal; three players who can be listed as above league average, and possible All Stars. Here’s how we decided to help them out yesterday:
1.) Zack Greinke
Ah yes, our once-every-five-day holiday. The most electric pitcher in the American League last year. The guy who had the lowest ERA since Pedro in 1999. All advanced statistics last year pointed to the fact that his year was great despite how awful our defense was. So, we spent the offseason “improving” that aspect of our roster.
First inning: Willie Bloomquist drops an infield popup with two outs that allows a run to score. In the Royal’s defense, Boom Boom was brought on to the team last year, so…at least it wasn’t Scott Podsednik’s fault??
2.) Joakim Soria
The Mexicutioner again had a brilliant year last year, despite Trey Hillman’s campaign for him to shred his shoulder ligaments into coleslaw. Soria was used for more two-inning saves last year than any other year of his young career (that’s good). Unfortunately, those opportunities were few-and-far between, forcing him to throw “cold” (that’s bad). The reason?? Dayton Moore trading away his reliable set-up men last off-season. So, really, the more dependable the bullpen, the more effective the closer.
Seventh Inning: Roman Colón, Robinson Tejeda and Juan Cruz. Geez.
3.) Billy Butler*
* Billy needs a nickname. I say “The Big Stroker.”
Big Stroker made history by achieving some Tim Kurkjain-ian goal of having over a certain number of one thing (doubles), while at the same time having over a certain number of another thing (homers), all-the-while being under a certain number of years old…though I can’t really remember what any of those numbers were. What I’m trying to say is that he’s good at the baseball.
Seventh Inning: After Billy had a two run, two out RBI single to extend the Royals to a 4-1 lead in the fifth, he sits on deck while Scott Podsednik (he’s your place setter…really??) hits with runners on first and second and one out. Oh, and another thing: you are down four after the disaster that was the top-half of the seventh with an offense that is anemic at best. So, Pods comes thru with a single. Awesome.
Here’s what you want to do: Bring up your best hitter with the bases loaded i.e. a chance to tie the game with one swing.
Here’s what the Royals did: Sent Jason Kendall around third where he got gunned down.
Let me repeat that again, in all-caps: YOU SENT JASON FREAKING RUBBER-KNEES KENDALL HOME WITH YOUR BEST HITTER DUE UP NEXT YOU…GAAAAH!
Holy cow. Let the bullpen explode. Drop a pop-up. Freaking hit the cutoff man in the back. But please, PLEASE don’t trot Dave Owen out there and pretend that he should be anywhere near a major league roster.
Oh wait, this is the Royals.
I guess this there is one Opening Day saying that is still apt:
It’s Opening Day…and The Royals stink again.
It’s baseball season!! Isn’t that great!! Oh…you’re a Royals fan. Well, then. Here’s a news flash:
Your team sucks.
No, really. Your team sucks BAD. Sorry for the un-sunny disposition, but the moves you’ve made in the off season to this point have been baffling. Your team has tried to improve by doing the following:
1.) Releasing two serviceable, yet unspectacular catchers in order to sign the worst offensive catcher over the past decade for millions more than you would have owed the two that you released, one being your Cy Young winning pitcher’s favorite target the other one, a cog in the Carlos Beltran deal along with…
2.) …another fan favorite who was traded for two past-prospect age prospects, and in doing so, left your second-best offensive player without a position…
3.) …but that’s all good since he wasn’t that good defensively and you’re in the American League, so you can stash him as the Designated hitter except…
4.) …your moody, over-paid free agent gem from two off-seasons ago – who is still moody and owed more than ten million this year – will probably have to play most of the time at DH, but, like I said he’s moody, and still wants to play in the outfield, which is easier said than done because…
5.) …despite the fact that you have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to who you gave contracts to, you’ve gone ahead and acquired about a half-dozen* outfielders who are either just above, but more likely nowhere near, replacement level, …
* Estimate
6.) …one of whom you’ve promised to give centerfield to despite the fact that he probably has the worst range any of the other potential center-fielders, and who is, by the way, a left-handed power hitter, and will be playing in a home park that is notoriously brutal to left-handed power hitters.
Is that all?? Well, no. There are untold number of reasons why the Royals will suck this year. Six doesn’t even skim the surface. Strangely, the Royals blogosphere, home of some of the best baseball minds in the business, has seemed, unlike in previous years, resigned to this fact.
It’s as if they’re no longer upset at it. They’ve gone thru the five-stages of Royals fandom, and have finally, excruciatingly, made it to acceptance. See, the excuse for Allard Baird was always that he didn’t have enough money. We lucked into having the best young offense in baseball at the turn of the last decade, but didn’t have the resources to keep any of them.
Now that we have (at least some of) the resources, we can firmly press the weight of blame on the shoulders of Dayton Moore.
The guy always seems a day late. Unfortunately, he’s never a dollar short. It seems like every time he thinks we need a particular skill on the team, he goes all “Damn the Torpedoes!!” on us and does whatever it takes to solve the problem as he sees fit with little regard for any of the other skills that particular player (doesn’t) possess.
Case in point: Mike Jacobs. What were we lacking going into last season?? POWER!! Sure!! That’s the ticket!! So what does good ole’ Capn’ Moore do?? Signs Jacobs with little regard to the fact that despite his impressive power numbers, he can’t get on base or hit lefties. Wow…that seems to be two pretty big holes in your game, especially when you (again) have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to Mike Jacobs. Sound familiar??
This season, it was speed and defense, which is why we got the outfielders we did…except, none are particularly good at it, and, as said before, we’ve promised the one with the least range center field. Oh, and none of them can get on base, either…FUN!!
On top of that, we’ve been told all along that we’re building the minor-league system, and while there does seem to be some talent down there, Royals fans will still no doubt continue to be reminded that there are better players that we passed up in the draft who are already making impacts on their major league clubs.
At least this time, they weren’t passed up due to signability…nope, just pure ineptitude.
In years past, this analysis might have seemed a little harsh. Up until last off-season, Moore’s track record with the Royals seemed to point us back to respectability. Now??
Yep. Still in last place.
While writing this, I sent an E-Mail to Logg and Conor Jay, letting them know that the post was upcoming.
Me: “Royals post coming today…”
Logg: “Who are the Royals?”
Sigh…ignorance is bliss…
Let me explain something about sports writing. When you are a beat writer for a specific team, you can usually find something to write about because, well, you only have one subject. We here at kcsportspodcast.com don’t have that luxury. We write about so much crap (and I emphasize the word crap) that we sometimes can’t decide what to write about. I have been thinking aboot (in honor of the Canadian Olympics) my next column for days now, and I just couldn’t narrow it down.
So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether. I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list. Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing. I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”.
Thanks BWJ.
So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics. This is the crap that we came up with.
LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning? I am a little scared for you. I can see the Intervention episode now:
HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to. Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light. But now, it’s different. Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways. What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds. On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently. I want my little brother back. Please accept this help today.”
BWJ: “Fuck you.”
Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver? If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller. Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?
BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.
Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*
* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia. I had a Swedish friend in college. I mean, from Sweden. I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century. No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede. I know…original.
Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics. In 2002 they lost to Belarus. Ouch. The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.”
Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats. Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.
I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude. Hell, everybody else is doing it…
[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling
LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”. Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch. Oh, who am I kidding? They stunk. But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”. Dear God, I made a curling joke. Moving on…
I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history. If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.
As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over. Finland is very good. As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them. Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run. It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.
Just like Boner. *
[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death. The world has lost one of the great ones. Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.
First, I loved Growing Pains. I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”. Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s????
Second, where is Boner? This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again.
Bellwether, have you seen Boner?
BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is. I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver. (ZING!!)
You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am. All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:
“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”
“The Swiss are great in goal”
“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”
And you know what?? As advertised. Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall. What do you want?? They won the game. It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.
Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…
Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!! Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)
…Helsinki. The capital is Helsinki.
Please tell me what to fear about the Finns. You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.
LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke. My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.
My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals. Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal. All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).
Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games). The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down. You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.
*Case in point…the Soviets
As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament. They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu.
All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.
The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English. Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event? I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr. Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?
BWJ: All right!! And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!! I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!! Oops!! I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!
Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is. I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.
For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.
It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task. Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer. These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth. To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.
Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…
See what you done did there Logg?? Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals. Damn you…
LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals. I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs). You decided to take it there.
But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer. I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter. I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage. I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is.
Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now. Yippee.
No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run. They point to their semi-successful run as of late. Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams. The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home. The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska.
Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend. Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country. Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one. So you may be wondering, what is the deal? Well, I found out what the deal was.
The Power Towel. Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?
BWJ: Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats. I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother. Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right?? Ad Astra Per Aspera??
As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country?? They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country. They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams. Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.
They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day. That game is gonna be a bloodbath…
LWK: Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent. They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all. However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that. They also scare the hell out of me, though. Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means. I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.
So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen? Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?
BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already?? Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract. For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust. Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.
Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up. That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for. Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.
Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.” It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.
You’re on notice, Logg…
LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing. I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website. If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics.
Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun. Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson. Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”. That means “Seize the Alcohol”. At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.
Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.
Richard “Boner” Stabone
1968-2010
Well, sometimes things just can’t find the direction that they want to go. Have you ever had one of those days, where when one thing goes well, another seems to tank? Of course you have. Since you are reading things on this site, you are probably a Kansas City sports fan. If you haven’t had one of those days, you just did. And away we go…
CY GREINKE
WE all know that this was an easy decision. But we also know that some in baseball’s elite would have loved to ignore the numbers, and give this to someone from a more successful baseball city. This is validation for all of us who watched almost every Royals’ debacle last year*. As we watched Zack dazzle us with upper 90’s fastballs followed by knee-buckling curveballs in the 60’s we knew. Even though Zack would get no run support, and sometimes even lose a game in which he gave up one or fewer runs, we knew. So to all you so called experts out there, take that. Now, just wait for the trade…Anyway, there’s an upper…
*Some of us even paid money to watch every one of these train-wrecks last season.
LJ FITS IN
Larry Johnson signs with the Bengals. Good riddance, I know. But why couldn’t he have gone somewhere with no hope of being successful? I mean, there is no doubt that, if there is anywhere that this delinquent could fit in, it would be Cincinnati. But they have also shown that they can take a seemingly washed up running back, and make him good again. Exhibit A: Cedric Benson. Anyone who is playing fantasy football knows that this guy was the steal of the year. Plus, to make matters worse, LJ now gets to play for an almost sure fire playoff team. The Bengals have a two game lead, and own the tie breaker against the Steelers in the AFC North. And who will Cincinnati get to steamroll at home two days after Christmas? That’s right…downer…
ALL STAR GAME (almost) OFFICIAL
Comcast Sports New England is reporting that Kansas City will officially be announced as the site of the 2012 All Star game. Again, we pretty much all knew this, but it is still exciting. Please take a moment to give thanks to MLB for instituting the “every team must have one all-star” rule. Yeah, Zack’s contract runs out that same year. You think he won’t be ready to bolt, or most likely traded by then? I can’t wait to see Wilson Bettemit in that All-Star uniform. Still, that brings a lot of fanfare to our beloved team. Maybe we’ll even get a nationally televised game sometime after that. Good news KC…wait for it…
BOWE HAS DIARRHEA
Dwayne Bowe has been suspended for four games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Apparently, he was trying to lose weight during training camp, and decided that using a banned diuretic would be the best way. Look, I am not an expert on losing weight, but I do know that all you have to do is burn more calories than you take in. How many calories do you think an average (term used very loosely) wide receiver in the NFL burns a day at training camp?? Way more than I do writing these columns, I can tell you that. Just don’t eat Dwayne! You don’t have to give yourself the runs to lose weight. Just work hard! I think I am starting to get the picture with Mr. Bowe…bummer…
KU FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE PUSSIES
So you aren’t living up to expectations. I understand. But rather than take your lumps, and move on, definitely tell your mom that your coach yelled at you inappropriately. My god, is this what it has come to? You’re adults. I have been yelled at “inappropriately” by any number of people in my life. Get over yourselves, and maybe become bowl eligible. Candy asses…
KU IN THE LOU
HP and I are headed down to the Scottrade Center tonight for the KU-Memphis matchup. Stay tuned for a blog about this one. GO KU!!! ROCK CHALK!!!
OUT OF OPTIONS
I’ll let you read this for yourself. Click Here. I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s just the kind of day KC is having. Talk to you in a day or two…
