Author Archives: L. Wood Kellogg

L. Wood Kellogg has no real expertise in the sporting realm other than he plays roller hockey, reads a lot of crap online, and is dumb enough to pay for the MLB package in order to watch Royals games in St. Louis.

You can follow L. Wood Kellogg on Twitter @LWoodKellogg

KU’s loss: Blame Palin

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 03/01/2010 – 12:48pm
Filed under Local College

As most of you know, KU fell to the Cowboys on Saturday in a game that was not nearly as close as the score would make it seem.  But I don’t blame the players.  It was out of their hands.

I am not going to talk about KU’s atrocious defense in Stillwater. Nor am I going to talk about KU’s turnovers.   And I am not going to talk about OSU shooting 97% (or whatever it was) from the field. No, the blame for this latest KU loss* falls squarely on one person.

*I say that like there have been so many.

Sarah Palin.

You’re going to have to hang with me on this one. Okay, so everyone knows that many of our government programs stink. I actually watched about 6 hours of the “Health Care Summit” last week. Unfortunately, there was no curling on that day. What I figured out from that informative collection of ideas complete waste of time and money, is that the two parties in Washington cannot even agree what time lunch should be, should they eat in or go out, and what they would like on their pizzas, much less what they can do to fix health care.

I don’t necessarily blame that on them. They are just sticking up for their parties’ platforms. No, the real blame for that is on Barack Obama. He is the president for crying out loud. He has to be the voice of reason that pulls everyone together and says, “Hey McConnell, come on man. And Pelosi, calm down.” He has to bring the sides to the table and get something done. He has failed to do that.

Now, on top of health care, another thing that is completely broken is the education system. How is it that the high school I attended in Minnesota has enough money to build a heated dome for the football team to practice in, yet some schools hardly have enough money to turn the heat on in the classroom? The level of disparity between the haves and have-nots is wider than the space Jon Shuster had to shoot at on four or five potential game winning shots combined.

Something must be done about this. I blame Barry on this one too. For all of his blabbering on about health care reform that, basically, no one wants, he has failed to address the education system at all. Except of course to say that it is all George Bush’s fault.

That brings me to the Kingston High School Lady Cougars. Kingston is a very poor school district located in Cadet, MO. Look, here’s where it is. It’s like Deliverance out there. When there are more burnt out 1968 Chevy trucks than people, you know it’s not exactly palm springs. Shit, I think I got a meth contact high just driving through there.

Anyway, this school district is so poor that they don’t even have money to outfit their sports teams. Do you hear me? They can’t allocate money to the very things that statistically have shown to keep kids in school and off of drugs. My future sister in law coaches the softball team. They needed to raise money in order to get bats for the team. Bats for a softball team? What a novel idea! So she asked me if I would put on a charity trivia night for them on Saturday. Of course I will do that. How do you say no to that?

Now, because I was having to help out the Lady Cougars in Cadet, MO, I was not watching the KU-OSU game on Saturday afternoon. More importantly, I was not able to sit in my lucky spot on the couch, and position my remote in the exact position that it needs to be in. Nor was I able to go with HP to our lucky bar where we have only seen one KU loss EVER (Michigan State last year in the sweet 16).   When these factors were negated, of course KU lost. KU is undefeated when I am able to affect the outcome of their games in these ways. The only other time I was not able to do this…at Tennessee.

So you can see how important my position for watching games is for KU basketball success. In summation, I absolutely do not fault myself in this case. I do not fault my future sister in law or her team. I don’t fault the Kingston K-14 school district, and I do not fault the congress. I fault Barack Obama for KU now needing to beat both KSU and Mizzou to win the outright Big XII title.

“B-b-b-b-but, Logg. I thought you said it was Sarah Palin’s fault.”

Oh right. Well, if Sarah Palin had never existed, Barack would have never won the election.

Thanks a lot Sarah.

*Like it?  Don’t?  Indifferent?  Let us know.  E-mail us at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com

A Whole Lotta’ Nuthin’

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/26/2010 – 12:18pm
Filed under Feature, Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College, Non-Sports

Let me explain something about sports writing.  When you are a beat writer for a specific team, you can usually find something to write about because, well, you only have one subject.  We here at kcsportspodcast.com don’t have that luxury.  We write about so much crap (and I emphasize the word crap) that we sometimes can’t decide what to write about.  I have been thinking aboot (in honor of the Canadian Olympics) my next column for days now, and I just couldn’t narrow it down. 

So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether.  I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list.  Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing.  I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”. 

Thanks BWJ.

So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics.  This is the crap that we came up with. 

LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning?  I am a little scared for you.  I can see the Intervention episode now:

            HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to.  Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light.  But now, it’s different.  Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways.  What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds.  On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently.  I want my little brother back.  Please accept this help today.”

             BWJ: “Fuck you.”

Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver?  If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller.  Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?

BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.

Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*

* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia.  I had a Swedish friend in college.  I mean, from Sweden.  I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century.  No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede.  I know…original.

Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics.  In 2002 they lost to Belarus.  Ouch.  The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.” 

Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats.  Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.

I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude.  Hell, everybody else is doing it…

[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling

LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”.  Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They stunk.  But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”.  Dear God, I made a curling joke.  Moving on…

I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history.  If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.

As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over.  Finland is very good.  As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them.  Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run.  It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.

Just like Boner. *

[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death.  The world has lost one of the great ones.  Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.

First, I loved Growing Pains.  I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”.  Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s???? 

Second, where is Boner?  This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again. 

Bellwether, have you seen Boner?

BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is.  I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver.  (ZING!!)

You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am.  All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:

“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”

“The Swiss are great in goal”

“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”

And you know what??  As advertised.  Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall.  What do you want??  They won the game.  It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.

Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…

Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!!  Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)

…Helsinki.  The capital is Helsinki.

Please tell me what to fear about the Finns.  You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.

LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke.  My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.

My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals.  Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal.  All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).

Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games).  The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down.  You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.

*Case in point…the Soviets

As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament.  They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu. 

All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.

The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English.  Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event?  I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr.  Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?

BWJ: All right!!  And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!!  I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!!  Oops!!  I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!

Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is.  I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.

For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.

It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task.  Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer.  These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth.  To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.

Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…

See what you done did there Logg??  Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals.  Damn you…

LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals.  I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs).  You decided to take it there. 

But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer.  I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter.  I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage.  I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is. 

Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now.  Yippee.

No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run.  They point to their semi-successful run as of late.  Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams.  The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home.  The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska. 

Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend.  Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country.  Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one.  So you may be wondering, what is the deal?   Well, I found out what the deal was.

The Power Towel.  Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?

BWJ:  Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats.  I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother.  Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right??  Ad Astra Per Aspera??

As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country??  They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country.  They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams.  Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.

They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day.  That game is gonna be a bloodbath…

LWK:  Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent.  They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all.  However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that.  They also scare the hell out of me, though.  Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means.  I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.

So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen?  Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?

BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already??  Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract.  For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust.  Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.

Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up.  That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for.  Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.

Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.”  It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.

You’re on notice, Logg…

LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing.  I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website.  If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics. 

Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.  Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson.  Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”.   That means “Seize the Alcohol”.  At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.

Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.

Andrew Koenig 

Richard “Boner” Stabone

1968-2010

Little Pucks and Big Ass Rocks

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/16/2010 – 4:02pm
Filed under Feature

I am sure you have all enjoyed the Winter Olympics over the last four days or so.  I mean, what’s not to like about seeing Wayne Gretzky standing, waiting and making a face like he was desperately trying to hold in a huge dump during the opening ceremonies? 

The games have been fun too, with the exception of the tragedy on the luge on Friday.  You have speed skating (which may be more boring than NASCAR), ski jumping (which the USA is so bad at that they don’t even have a team.  I am serious.  The jumpers for the US paid their own way to get there.  Hey, we’re in a recession.), and snow-cross (which is merely a made up sport by ESPN in order to get people to pay attention to the Winter X-Games).  All of those are fine and good.  They must be at least slightly entertaining considering I have fallen asleep on the couch for three consecutive nights watching them.

But they just don’t stack up to the only two REAL reasons to even have the Winter Olympics.

  1. Curling
  2. Hockey

In that order. 

I love hockey.  You know this.  But for all the greatness of hockey, there is something off about Olympic hockey nowadays.  Because they use professional athletes, and because it takes place right in the middle of the NHL season, there a level of disconnect between the players.  They don’t have a chance to play together at all prior to the games.  They don’t get a chance to install a system.  They basically take 20 really, really good players, give them matching uniforms, and throw them on the ice.  Sure, there will be great plays, games, and moments.  But, it will leave something to be desired.  So, let’s start here with what you need to know about Olympic Hockey, and the teams that will compete for Gold.*

*I am not going to talk about some teams.  I mean, Switzerland, come on.  Stick you what you are good at; watch making and straddling the fence.

The Soviets (okay fine, Russia):

Who you know: Alex Ovechkin is unbelievable.  He along with a Canadian I will mention shortly, are the only players recognized by ESPN.  You see his amazing goals on SportsCenter.  He is the best player in the world.

Who you don’t: Pavel Datsyuk.  If you follow the NHL, you may know him.  But if you don’t, you will thanks to the Olympics.  A phenomenal goal scorer, with a  lot of experience.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Based on my knowledge of Russian Olympians (which is entirely based on Ivan Drago in Rockey IV), I am sure they will be given enough drugs to kill a moose. 

The Hosers (okay fine, Canada):

Who you know: Sidney Crosby is the face of Canadian hockey and the NHL.  He will probably be the captain of the team, and he is only like 14 years old or something.  Sid the Kid will get his, and probably lead the heavily favored Hosers deep in the tournament.

Who you don’t: Roberto Luongo is one of the Canadian goalies.  He will probably get a majority of the starts.  Why is that impressive?  Because, their other goalie is Martin Brodeur who is probably the greatest goalie to ever play the game.  A hot goalie can win you the Gold.  That is all you need to know.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: If you haven’t seen strange brew, stop reading this, and rent it.  You’ll see why, eh?

The Soviets Again (okay fine, Czech Republic):

Who you know: Unless you have adopted the Wild as your NHL team, then you probably don’t know Martin Havlat.  He has come on strong the second half of the year, and should play well with that momentum.Well maybe not. 

Who you don’t: Jakub Stepanek.  I don’t know who this is.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: The Czechs have the most Wi-Fi subscribers in all of the European Union.  Maybe they will start reading this column, and make me a big star if I talk about them.

The Heroes (okay fine, Team USA):

Who you know: Patrick Kane beat up a taxi cab driver over $3 in Buffalo.  He is also a great hockey player, and the future of American hockey.

Who you don’t: Probably everyone else.  Watch for Ryan Miller.  He is the goalie for the US, and is having a phenomenal season for the Sabres.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Because that’s who I am rooting for.  Besides, don’t you want to see “Miracle II: the rise of Rafalski”?

So what will happen?  The USA will play very well, but come up short in the semis to Canada.  The hoseheads succumb to the pressure of playing in their homeland, and lose the gold medal to the Russians.  It’ll be fun, though.  Now…

CURLING!!!!!!

A quick explanation of what the hell this is.  Have you ever been drunk at a bar, and all you really want to do is play Golden Tee, but they are all taken by people that are going to play for the rest of the night, so you decide to play that shuffle puck game where you have to keep scraping the wax crumbs up with a coaster?  You haven’t.  Well that’s what it’s like.

Each team has four players.  The teams take turns sliding 40 lb. stones 90 feet down ice towards a target.  After 8 stones each, the team who has the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point for each stone inside the other teams closest stone.  I know, you didn’t get that.  You play 10 innings called “ends”.  At the end of 10, highest score wins. 

You’re probably thinking, “this sounds stupid.”  It’s not.  This sport is like bowling for Canadians.  They do it on Saturday nights while drinking beer.  Any sport where you are encouraged to drink beer is a sport that we should believe in.  I dare you to watch one curling match, and then tell me that you will not ever watch one again.  It is addictive.

As for who will win, probably Canada.   The USA will be around, but a medal would be an upset.  But that’s not the point.  This sport needs to get some legs here in America.  We need wealthy people to watch the Olympics, think “that seems like fun”, and open curling rinks. 

Still need a reason to watch?  Okay, they have a ladies curling competition as well.  Meet team Canada.

We stand on guard for thee.

Hell Freezes Over

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/11/2010 – 3:55pm
Filed under Local College

So I am sitting here perusing one of the Mizzou message boards because, well, I have nothing better to do.  As a journalist (term used very loosely) who covers Big XII basketball, I wanted to know what the feelings were about Mizzou’s narrow victory at home last night over lowly Iowa State.  I am getting the usual; for some the sky is falling.  For others, this was just a mild hiccup.  But then I stumbled across this discussion thread:

“If you were to write a book on sports psychology and the KU fan, what would your title be?”

Interesting.  Being that this is a Missouri board, one can conclude that the responses won’t exactly be a glowing review of people like me, but I thought it would at least be mildly amusing.  Some responses…

“The Cheating Culture”

“The Jayhawk, Christianity, and Homosexuality”

“Balls, Chicken, Choke, KU”

But then there was this one: “Profiles in Entitlement”

This caught my eye because I had noticed this “entitlement” theory in other posts over the last few weeks.  I find MU fans to be quite arrogant (for what reason, I have no idea.  Write in to lwood@kcsportspodcast.com and explain it to me), and I had been very interested in why they despise KU fans.  I always thought it was jealousy because they had never even been to a Final Four.  But I now know that it’s because Mizzou fans believe that KU fans have a false sense of entitlement. 

First of all, KU basketball fans certainly have some reasons to be proud.  KU is one of the most prestigious programs in the entire country, has been to 13 Final Fours, and won five national championships including one just two years ago.  The sense of pride that a Jayhawk fan feels for their team is earned and appropriate.  So they can’t be talking about that.

Maybe they are talking about our expectation level.  Every year, KU fans expect our team to compete for not only the Big XII, but a national title.  We expect to get great coaching, fantastic recruits, and wins.  What is wrong with that???  Surely Mizzou fans have some sort of expectation for their team.  They may not be (and should not be) as lofty as KU’s, but I am sure they expect something, and feel disappointed when it is not achieved.  So it would be unfair for them to come down on us for the same thing, right?

Someone else once mentioned to me the idea of KU fans needing validation from Mizzou fans; that we have a “look at me, look at me” attitude.  There may be some truth to that.  It is certainly nice to hear from a rival that you are good, or in this case, better than them.  I don’t think we seek that out, though.  I mean, if I want to hear about how great KU is, I can certainly just turn on ESPN.  God knows that, even with their decidedly east coast bias, just about everyone on there thinks KU is awesome.  I sure as hell wouldn’t go looking for validation on a Missouri fan website.  That’s like Tiger Woods hoping for sympathy from Steve Phillips.  So that really can’t be it either.  Dammit.  What to do?

So I asked the person what they meant by this.  His impressive response???

“Exactly.”

So, since Mizzou fans won’t clue me in on this, I figured I’d do some research.  I looked up “entitlement” in the dictionary.

Entitlement – noun, the state of being entitled.

Okay, so that’s as helpful as a Mizzou fan.  Let’s try again.

Entitle – verb, to give a person or thing a title, right, or claim to something

In one respect, they may be saying that we feel like we are owed something.  I couldn’t disagree more.  KU fans are not guaranteed wins by anyone.  KU provides them through superior talent and coaching.  So that doesn’t make sense.  But wait a second…

Entitle – verb, to call something by a particular title

You mean like National Champions?  Okay Mizzou fans, I agree with you.*

*I will now torch my clothes and take a three hour shower.

Yeah, It’s a Mailbag

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/04/2010 – 3:42pm
Filed under Feature

Being that this column is decidedly slanted towards my teams, you have to realize that is opinion based.  When I say something like “Missouri is the worst team in the Big XII this season because their ’40 minutes of hell’ is a total gimmick, and last year was complete luck”, that is an opinion.  There is really no factual basis there except for the fact that their supposed vaunted press was absolutely raped last night by Texas A&M.   

I understand that because I write an opinion column, some misguided people will have an opposing opinion on the same subjects.  That is why Ihave opened myself up here.  I have provided my e-mail address  (lwood@kcsportspodcast.com) to any and all who want to write in, and tell me what they think.  This idea has been met with overwhelming support.  Which means that I can now publish the very first official L. Wood Kellogg Mailbag. 

And away we go…

Who the hell gave you your own column on a website?  From what I can tell, you are nothing but a Kansas homer who is so blinded by your fandom, you can’t see reality anymore.  Douche.  – Bill (St. Louis)

LWK: Well, we are off to a positive start.  I don’t know how the hell I convinced a man I had never met to let me post here.  I guess I got a vote of confidence from Bellwether.  And you’re right; I am a KC homer.  So what?  You clearly like your teams.  Doesn’t that make you a homer as well, Bill?  Yeah.  The funny part is, despite my failure to “see reality”, you still take the time to read this, and email me.  Now who’s the douche?  Oh, it’s still me.  Dammit.

How can this be a “Kansas City Sports Column” when you write about hockey?  Kansas City doesn’t have a hockey team!!!  Douche.  – John (Olathe)

LWK: Well, I love hockey.  I don’t care if there isn’t a team in KC.  It’s the best sport ever.  It’s not my fault that you guys failed to support the one team you had.  If and when KC gets a team, you’ll be damn lucky to have such an amazing hockey beat writer already entrenched in KC sports.  You don’t want Bellwether covering the Kansas City Coyotes for you.  Trust me.  Oh, and it is not required that all emails to me end in “douche”.

I saw a recent comment on one of your columns from BW Johnson alluding to someone you know shitting in their bed.  Did that actually happen, and who was it?   - Scottie (Lenexa)

LWK: Uh…let’s just go to the next question…

How do you think the rest of the season goes for KU?  I think they will fall flat on their faces.  Goddamn Beakers.  – Claude (Columbia)

LWK: While I don’t think that they will “fall on their faces”, I do think there will be some struggles down the stretch.  I think they lose to Texas on the road, and then lose in the semifinals of the Big XII tournament.  However, I think they get the overall number one seed in the NCAA tournament, come to St. Louis, and go to the final four.  After that, it’s anyone’s guess.  I really need that to work out like that.  Otherwise, Bellwether, HP and I will be getting drunk watching teams we don’t care about play here.  That’s just not going to be as good of a blog…or is it?

Did you know they are making a MacGruber movie?  WTF???  – Drew (Levenworth)

LWK: Oh, come on.  MacGruber is awesome.  Here is the trailer.  Now tell me you don’t want to see that.  Oh, you don’t.  Well, I am going to see it.  MACGRUBER!!!!

So you’re the hockey expert, eh?  Well, didn’t you predict the Red Wings would beat the Hurricanes to win the Stanley Cup?  The Red Wings will be the 7 or 8 seed in the West at best, and the Hurricanes are the worst team in the entire NHL!!!  – Jay (Minneapolis)

LWK: Um, injuries?  I don’t know. The Eastern Conference is so inferior to the West that it really doesn’t matter who makes it.  I guess I’ll just eat it on the Canes prediction.  Sorry.  I’ll revise my picks and say Chicago over New Jersey (formerly KC Scouts) in 6 games.  Enjoy.

So, you gonna watch the Olympics?  Can we expect Olympic coverage from the KCSportsPodcast Team?   - Kendall (Wyandotte)

LWK: Hell yes I am.  While I can’t speak for everyone else, I will absolutely write about the Olympics.  In fact, be prepared for my Olympic Hockey preview and my Curling preview in about 7-10 days.  Yes, I am serious…curling rules.

Why are you so much better than me at Golden Tee?  I mean, I practice and practice, but every time we play you crush me.  Please give me some pointers.  Hippolito (St. Louis)

LWK: I don’t know, HP.   I think it’s about consistency.  You have stretches where you’re good, but then the wheels fall off.  I’m never too high, never too low.  And in the end, I win.  Good luck!

What’s your prediction for the Royals this season?  Will Rick Ankiel make a difference?    - Bryan (Overland Park)

LWK: I am not as down on the Royals as some.  That being said, I am strongly considering asking my cable company for the exclusive Royals/Pirates/Padres package that only runs from April through June.  The Royals signed Rick Ankiel???  Well, we found our fifth starter.  Oh, wait…

I saw on one podcast that Bellwether was referred to as “Head Writer”, while you are listed as “Contributor”.  How’s that make you feel, bitch? P.S. I own you.  - Name Witheld (Des Moines)

LWK: Not cool, dude.

When I find your Mizzou bashing ass, I am going to kill you.   – Steve (Unknown)

LWK: Just make sure it doesn’t conflict with any of your NIT games.

So there you have it.  For those of you whose emails didn’t make it this time, feel free to keep trying.  And if you think you have what it takes to make the mailbag, give it your best shot.  Oh, and HP, just keep practicing.

We’re Goin’ Streaking!

5
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 01/26/2010 – 2:18pm
Filed under Local College

I promise not to dwell on what happened last night.  It was not a surprise that KU ran MU out of the gym.  The Tigers haven’t won in Lawrence in 11 years now; so I am not shocked.  I will give a brief two part comparison between my opinion on the game, and the opinion of the MU fans on Mizzou message boards.

Why KU won:

Me: Because they are a better basketball team, have better players, played at home, and are better coached.

MU Fans: Because Cole Aldrich murdered a number of players during the game, and the refs are all from Lawrence

On the Refs:

Me: I thought they let them play a little bit.  Cole’s tip in off the missed free throw was over the back, but Xavier was hacked on a breakaway (that’s a hockey term that I may have misused there).

MU Fans:  The refs were clearly an Al Qaeda sleeper cell placed here to advance the  terrorist scheme of Cole Aldrich.

On what will happen in Columbia:

Me: It will be closer, but KU isn’t going to get any worse between now and March.  KU wins 75-67.

MU Fans: KU should not even come.  We will provide our own refs, give Morningstar some cocktails, and poison Aldrich.  Mizzou wins 185-4.

On why my fiancée won’t talk to me today:

Me: it’s a simple misunderstanding.  We are adults, we like two different teams.  It’s no big deal.  We’ll make up, don’t worry.

MU Fans: She’s an idiot for even dating me.  She isn’t giving me the silent treatment.  She is merely busy writing her final goodbye to me before her father tracks me down, and blows my head off with a shotgun.

So that is that.  I am looking forward to that final game of the season (if I make it that long). 

Now, KU ran it’s home win streak to 54 including 15 this season.  That’s a really long time.  So when will it end?  I mean, the Big XII, with the exception of Missouri, is no slouch.  (Sorry honey…)  The Jayhawks have five home games remaining.  So I took the time to handicap who has the best chance to end “The Streak for The Beak”.  Yeah, I made that up.  Feel free to use it.  In order of likelihood…

5. Colorado 25:1

The Buffs aren’t the worst team in the Big XII (see Tigers, Missouri)*, but they also aren’t a real threat for much. They did beat Baylor at home, which is impressive.  But they also lost to Tulsa on the road.  This just isn’t the year CU.  Thanks.

*I should be prepared for a few nights on the couch.

4. Iowa State 15:1

I know that KU stomped on the Cyclones in Ames, but I think that ISU is better than that.  Brackens and Gilstrap can play.  Plus, they get the customary “Eustachy odds bump”.  Despite all of that, it just isn’t going to happen for you either.

3. Nebraska 7:1

You lost to Mizzou, and have only one guy who averages double digits in ppg.  No.  As a matter of fact, I am bumping you behind Iowa State.  Sorry Colorado, They’re still better than you.

2. Oklahoma 5:1

I don’t know what to think of OU this season.  Why have they underachieved?  Oh, that’s right; Blake Griffin was given the curse of the Clippers.  They still have Willie Warren and a guy named Tiny Gallon (yeah, I am serious).  Besides, they may overlook this one waiting for the rematch against…

1. Kansas State 3:1

Come on, who else on this list was going to be in this spot?  Look, I think that K-State is good.  I think KU is better.  If KU loses on Saturday at Bramlage, then I give the Cats no chance in this game.  But, if KU manages to smear shit in the collective faces of this team in their home litter box, then watch for the wrath of Manhattan on March 3rd.

At the end of the day, I don’t expect KU to lose any of these games.  I expect the streak to stay alive until Mizzou visits again next year.  I would assume, based on the following post I lifted from a discussion board today, that we have no chance next season.

“we will own lowrents next season!  when they loose collins, henry and they dont have that toothless thug inside getting away with plying like a bull in side”

Okay, maybe we should just wait and see.  Rock Chalk!

To Each His Own

1
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 01/23/2010 – 11:22am
Filed under Feature

Anyone that knows me knows that I have my teams, and I root for them hard.  No one questions my passion for the Jayhawks, Chiefs, Royals, and Wild.  So I am certainly not questioning anyone else’s love of their teams.  You can root for anyone you like*.   But anyone that really knows me knows that, along with my teams, I have the teams that I hate, loath, and generally wish ill will upon. You have these teams too.  They may be different than mine, but you have them.  You know the ones where even if your team loses, it’s okay because they lost too.   I wouldn’t piss on these teams if they were on fire.  Though I might piss on them if they aren’t on fire.

*I do request that you have some legitimate reason for liking who you like.  My future brother-in-law loves the Cowboys and the Oklahoma Sooners despite the fact that he appears to have never left the state of Missouri.  He just jumped on a bandwagon in the 90’s.  Now that’s irritating. 

I have many reasons for hating a team.  They may be a rival like the Vancouver Canucks.  They may have players that I dislike like A-Roid.  But the two teams that I hate more than any other two teams in the world have something in common: Their fans are arrogant for absolutely no reason at all. 

The Minnesota Vikings and the Missouri Tigers

What have either of these teams ever done to warrant the amount of trash talking that comes from their fans?  Nothing, that’s what.

What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring?  Thief.  Yes, that is one of my favorite jokes ever.  They have been to four Super Bowls, and lost them all.  They haven’t been back to the big game since 1976.  They have lost a couple of NFC championship games.*  They lost one NFC championship to the Giants 41-0.  Not exactly a resume that lends itself to shit talking.  You shouldn’t be talking shit when all the other person has to do is tell that joke again. 

*In college, my roommate Grant was a huge Vikings fan.  On January 17, 1999 we were driving back to Des Moines after a weekend back home.  The Vikings were playing in the NFC championship game against the Falcons.  Grant begged me to let him put his little Vikings car flag on the passenger window of my car.  I eventually agreed.  However, Gary Anderson (who had not missed a field goal all season) pushed one left that would have sealed the game. Then the Falcons drove down, and tied the game with 49 seconds left.  And then Morten Andersen nailed a 38 yarder to send the Vikes home.  It may have been the most satisfying moment of my life seeing Grant slowly, manually crank down the window of my 1996 Chevy Cavalier, and let that flag just fly away into a cold field in Iowa some where.

Oh, Mizzou.  Please Tiger fans, tell me why you are so great.  Seriously, e-mail me at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com, and tell me.  I just don’t see it.  At least the Vikings can say they have been to the championship game.  You can’t even get to the semi-finals.  No final fours…EVER.   No BCS bowl games…EVER.  Even Kansas went to a BCS game, and KU football was a joke for a couple of decades.  You haven’t had an All-American basketball player since 1994, and even then it was Melvin Booker! (Most of you probably didn’t even know that) You aren’t ranked this season, and won’t be.  You might make the tournament, but will lose…again.

I can’t stand listening to Missouri fans claims that they were Big XII Basketball champs last season.  You weren’t.  You were Big XII tournament champions.  There’s a difference.  KU won the Big XII championship last season by beating just about everyone, and finishing at the top.  You won the tournament by beating the 11 seed, 7 seed, and 9 seed.  Good work.

I have already been hearing from MU fans here in St. Louis that they are sure that they will walk into Allen Field House on Monday and dismantle KU.  How?  If I were you, I would be more concerned about beating Nebraska on Saturday.   As Bellwether said on the last podcast; call me when you break the top ten in the polls. 

Bottom line is that no matter the outcome of the Vikings-Saints or Missouri-Kansas games, these fans will continue to boast about their teams until the end of time.  And these boasts will continue to irritate me to the core.  But I suppose that’s what makes sports great.  Maybe I am being a little hard on some of you.  Now that I think of it…

To all Vikings fans, good luck this weekend.  I’ll still be rooting for the Saints, but I wish you the best.  This may be your time.  Enjoy Jared Allen.

And to all you Missouri fans…wait, I just can’t do it.

Muck Fizzou!

KU to Cancel Rest of Season

2
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 01/11/2010 – 3:36pm
Filed under Local College

I was sitting here in the KCSportsPodcast News Room doing research when I was handed this bulletin from our crack staff:  It’s official; Kansas has decided to forfeit the rest of their games this season in return for an automatic bid into the NIT tournament.  In the wake of yesterdays monumental loss to Tennessee, Bill Self addressed the media this morning.

“We just aren’t good enough to play against NCAA tournament teams. Teams of that calibur are just too talented. Cole, Sherron, Xavier, they just looked overwhelmed. This was something that I was afraid of going into the season. We would play well against the lesser teams that we scheduled, but we just could not get around playing a team like Tennessee. And now, to expect us to play a full Big XII schedule; I just don’t think we could handle that. I mean, have you seen Mizzou?? They beat K-State for crying out loud!”

Aldrich was unavailable for comment. He left Allen Field House early on Monday morning, and boarded a bus back to Minnesota to prepare for the NIT, and get some ice fishing in.

Collins was more vocal while cleaning out his locker. “I don’t know what we were thinking. All those heroics over the last three years, it was all luck. Plain and simple. That’s why I didn’t enter the draft. I wasn’t actiually going to be drafted. This was just a distraction.”

This is a huge blow to Kansas Basketball. A season that started out with so much promise, has come crashing down. It wasn’t just the loss on the road to a nationally ranked Tennessee team. This collapse was epic, beginning all the way back with a 57-55 squeaker-win at the hands of Memphis in November. You could tell then that this team just didn’t have what was necessary to make a run.

The slide continued with a 73-61 win at UCLA. Sure they won, but they were never really in that game. Plus, UCLA had no fans show up, and only two players who had ever heard of basketball before. The rest of their team had been fielded only moments before gametime from homeless people outside the stadium.

“We couldn’t believe that we walked out of there with a victory.” said Self, “I was sure that we would take an aboslute beating there. I mean, I know they had the homeless guys, but a couple of them were pretty tall.”

But I think we all knew this was going poorly when KU was only able to edge out nationally ranked Temple by 32. How can you not go on the road into a hostile environment and win by at least 50?? The simple truth is, this KU team just doesn’t have the talent.

So, it’s easy to understand why Lew Perkins has made this decision. He’s already had to dismiss a football coach for mistreating fried chicken wings. He couldn’t afford another black eye on this already down-trodden university…

Wait…Bellwether has just handed this to me. Let me see if I can get through this…

Kcsportspodcast.com has just learned that Kansas has decided to go ahead and play on Wednesday at Nebraska. No official statements have been made as to why the change of heart. The athletic department has only announced that they plan to be in Lincoln on Wednesday, and they will field a team to play against the Huskers.

I don’t know that this is the best idea. I mean, Nebraska is no slouch. It’s not like KU is ranked #1 anymore. You don’t have the “invincibility” that comes with that ranking to protect you anymore. I will see what I can find out from my inside sources, and I will let you know. Stay tuned to this blog for further updates. Rock Chalk.

Open Beak, Insert Owl Foot?

2
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 01/05/2010 – 12:39pm
Filed under Local College

I apologize for the title, but I just didn’t know what and owl’s foot was called.  If you know, please pass it along.  Oh, and I know this game was three days ago…blame that one on Bellwether for posting six minutes before me yesterday.  So…

Hey Temple fans.  What’s up?  I just wanted to let you know that I understand.  I really do.  You were picked to finish a mediocre (at best) eighth in the Atlantic 10 conference.  I am sure that hurt.  You hadn’t received a single vote in either of the major polls.  Insulting, right?   You must have felt disrespected.  You were 8-2, and one of those losses was to #20 Georgetown by one on the road.  And then, to top it all off, you just upset the number three team in the county, Villanova, by 10!  So yeah, I understand your arrogance a couple of weeks ago.  

November 19, 1999 Des Moines, IA.  The Iowa State Cyclones are visiting the Drake Bulldogs.  Iowa State is expected to contend for the Big XII championship.  The Dawgs are expected to hope for a berth into the MVC Tournament at best.  Low and behold, Drake beat the mighty Cyclones 48-44.  They beat Marcus Fizer.  They beat Jamal Tinsley.  They beat the team that would be ranked #6 in the country at the end of the season.  I, along with 5 other people, stormed the court.  Later on, we decided that Drake could make a NCAA tournament run.  You know what happened?  They went 11-18 overall, 4-14 in the conference, and managed to lose 9 of their last 10 games. 

I wasn’t thinking clearly after that game, and you weren’t thinking either when you chanted, “we want Kansas!”  You thought that if you could beat a team like Villanova, then you could beat anyone.  In this case, it appears you bit off more than you could chew.  The old eyes were bigger than the stomach trick.  It happens.

You were holding people to 53 points per game.  Your defense would surely stifle the Jayhawks, who were averaging 90 points per game.  What you didn’t think about was that you had absolutely no one who could play inside with Cole Aldrich, “Marquise” Morris*, Thomas Robinson, or even Xavier Henry.

*That’s my name for the player named Morris who somehow is allowed 10 fouls per game.

Your best player, Juan Fernandez, came in averaging 21 points.  Surely he could help you keep up with Sherron Collins, or Aldrich, or Marquise, or Robinson, or Taylor, or Morningstar, or Reed, or Withey.  Oh, it didn’t.  Crap.

Like I said, I understand.  We all get a little out of hand after a big win.  Maybe you thought you could beat Kansas.  I mean, KU may have been #1, but they hadn’t played anyone.  Through some scheduling quirks, teams like Memphis, Michigan, and UCLA were having down years.  Plus, KU you had encountered some trouble against this cupcake schedule.   Yes, I get the “We want Kansas!” chant two weeks ago.

But here is where your misguided arrogance goes wrong.  Prior to the game with the Jayhawks, you chanted “Overrated!” at KU while they were warming up.  Why would you do that?  What in the name of John Cheney were you thinking??  I mean, I am sure you already had the attention of the Jayhawks.  Everyone heard the original chant.  But now you are going to piss off the “best” team in the country 3 minutes before tip off.  That’s why Sherron lit you up.  That’s why your only lead was 3-2.  That’s why you got ripped on your home floor by 32.  

So Temple, again I understand where you were coming from.  I had even been in that same spot.  However, I didn’t chant anything at Iowa State until we had actually won.  Maybe go with the “Overrated!” chant aimed at Villanova after you beat them.  Or maybe just chant things like “We want UMass!” or “We Want St, Louis University!”   Or you can jump on the band wagon and chant “Rock Chalk Jayhawk!”

Slaps!*

0
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 12/07/2009 – 3:43pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

 

*Before I begin this column, allow me to explain.  In college, when you were sitting somewhere, but had to get up and get something, you would say “Slaps!”  You would make sure that someone else heard you, and then go.  The “Slaps” call is what made sure you got your seat back no matter what.  It is legally binding, and completely indisputable as long as someone actually heard you say it.   Now…

Thank God I live in St. Louis. 

That statement was literally uttered by me yesterday.  Thanks to that fact, I am spared a large majority of the Chiefs’ games this season.  So I guess I would just like to say to the Chiefs…

I will always be a fan.  I will always carry a deep love for your games, and have fond memories to fall back on.  However, I just can’t find the passion for you anymore.  When it comes to Sundays, there now seems to be something better to do.  And I blame you.

Yesterday was no exception. 

The plan was simple; My fiancée (yes, I am getting married) and I were going to watch the Rams’ game at home, and then head to a sports bar to catch the Chiefs, in what I thought was a 3:15pm start.  About three minutes into the Rams game, I stumbled onto the fact that the Chiefs game started a noon.  Crap!

For a few moments I weighed the options.  1. I could run up to the bar without showering.  2. I could shower, and then go to the bar. 3. I could stay home, and watch the updates online.  I should have chosen option three.  But the most disappointing thing about the whole thing was that I chose option two.

If this had happened even two years ago, the clear cut option for me would have been number one.  No doubt.  No question.  I mean, a rivalry game against the completely loathed Broncos…at Arrowhead…in December…when they were retiring Derrick Thomas’ jersey???  First I probably wouldn’t have mistaken the game time.  Second, I would have already been at the bar preparing as soon as they opened the doors.  The most shocking aspect of this story is the part that I haven’t even told you yet.  Here it goes:

I turned down two tickets to this game on Friday.

I know.  A guy I used to work with calls, and tells me that he has two tickets to the game that he cannot use.  Would I like them…for free?  Excuses run through my mind…It’s too last minute.  I’d have to find somewhere to board my dog.  It’s going to be cold.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I’ll watch from here.  Shit, I couldn’t even do that right.

I made it to the bar a couple of minutes into the second quarter.  I think the Chiefs were down 10-3.  You see that right there?  I THINK.  I truly don’t know.  I was way more interested in what I should get to eat.**  There were a couple of Broncos fans at the table next to me.  I said nothing to them.  Nothing.

**I went with the Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich.  It was very good, but I wouldn’t get it again***

***How many times in your life have you thought something was “good, but not enough to ever get it again”?  I would be interested in hearing some responses because I can’t think of anything.

And so it went on.  A sandwich-a chiefs punt-another Bud Light-a Cassel interception-another Bud Light-the dumbest play ever drawn up and its subsequent floundering****-check please.

****You all know what play I am referring to.  And if, for some reason, you don’t, grab your favorite pain killer, turn off the lights, click here, press play, and wait 23 seconds.   

I left with eight minutes to go in the third quarter.  Read that again…THIRD F-ING QUARTER.  I came home, and didn’t even check the final score.  I didn’t need to.  There was nothing good that was going to come out of that. 

I didn’t need to read Whitlock’s stupid article  today.  I know what it says; The Chiefs are regressing, I am fat, Pioli has an ego, I am not racist, Haley yells a lot but no one is listening, Tiger was justified in banging a girl from the Tool Academy, Matt Cassel makes too much money, there is no hope.

And so, I will continue to watch games when it’s convenient.  I will never stop rooting for the Chiefs.  I know that someday the Chiefs will be respectable.  I know that there will once again be a bandwagon.  And I can promise you; I will be on that wagon.  I am just going to have someone save my seat for now.   After 29 years of Chiefs fan-dom, three playoff wins, no super bowl appearances, and way too many “next year is going to be the year” moments, I think I have earned that spot. 

And just in case next year is actually, the year.

Slaps!  You all heard me.