Horray!! Tiger Woods is back!! Only he’s not!! But he apologized!! Only he didn’t really!! But maybe he did!! And he was really genuine!! Except when he wasn’t!! What a Fuck-Head!! I mean, great guy!!
Jeezis…Everybody knew this would happen, didn’t they?? The Tiger Woods Apology Tour Express Rehabilitation Tour is on in full force starting with the Most Important Speech in the History of Golf and Sports and Also in History.
I tuned in at 10:00 and listened to all 13 ho-hum minutes. It was…well, what it was. A guy apologizing for his sins, and letting everybody know that he was turning the page and hoping that they would follow him. (He was so sincere!! Only, not!!) Super.
But the real fun isn’t trying to dissect his statement. Noooo, the fun is ripping all of the over-reaction to something that we all knew was going to happen.
This is gonna be great!!
Tiger Woods is a Real Boy. A Real Boy!! by Michael Rosenberg
“This was a real person with real flaws and real failures that he really acknowledged. Tiger has always preferred to sell an image instead of being himself…Ironically, at the moment when Tiger’s image is most at risk, he finally showed us who he is…[he] can’t be an automaton anymore.”
Of course Tiger Woods is a real person with real flaws, but there wasn’t much of that on display today. He simply said what needed to be said. Also, the guy is in therapy for sex addiction, and despite whether or not you think his “addiction” should be classified under “being a dude” or not is besides the point.
Therapy (addiction, psychological, marriage or otherwise) is an extremely personal and emotional ordeal, that requires one to look into deep, dark recesses of their psyche. This is not an easy thing for anybody let alone for someone with the personality of Tiger Woods (or whatever we think the personality of Tiger Woods consists of). So, I didn’t really expect his presser to take on the feel of a couch session with Freud. And it didn’t…to everyone but Michael Rosenberg.
Also, is “automaton” even a noun??
How Dare That Phony Piece of Shit Remain a Phony Piece of Shit!! by Bill Simmons
“The control freak whose life slipped out of control dipped right back into control-freak mode, reading a prepared speech in front of a hand-selected audience of people, taking no questions, talking in clichés and only occasionally seeming human.”
Okay, fair enough, I guess. One of the criticisms of Woods in the past has been his almost robotic approach to everything in his life; from his preparation, to his interviews, to releasing photos of his kids. What more, say you, oh Sports Guy??
“Tiger isn’t capable of discussing this stuff with depth or emotion. He can’t ad-lib about his feelings, and never could.”
So the guy incapable of discussing his private life in any sort of emotional or non-robotic way, discussed his private life in a non-emotional and robotic way. What an asshole!!
I could go on with Billy. His column is so devoid of any sense, and he contradicts himself more times than he’s referenced Teen Wolf in his columns over the past 10 years it literally made my head spin. Stick to what you’re best at, Bill. Namely, talking about Celtics players everybody stopped giving a shit about 20 years ago.
Die You Fucking Capitalist Piggies!! DIE!! by Tommy Craggs
“This wasn’t a press conference. This was an advertisement. (Same goes for that staged Getty shoot.) The moment AP, Reuters, and Bloomberg acceded to Tiger’s conditions was the moment they became willing extras in just another Tiger Woods television commercial.”
Oooh, those bastard journalists, and their damned journalisty journalisting!! How dare they accept an invitation to the story that nobody can shut the fuck up about!! And to report on such an event with words and phrases that describe the scene they saw!! For shame!!
“And what did these three reporters get in return for their integrity? What vital piece of the story did they provide that they might not have, had they watched Tiger Woods on a glowing box?”
I don’t know?? A front row seat to the story of the decade week?? Should the whole thing have been broadcasted from a bunker in Utah?? Or – ooh!! – how about we just fill RFK stadium, and let everybody go hog-wild?!?
Jeezis, Tommy. Stop with this whole “Workers of the world, Unite!!” schtick. And also, stop writing about sports.
Now the kicker. From the Nancy Grace of sports journalism: Selena Roberts!! What say you??
Hey Everybody!! I’m About to Say Something Stupid!! by Selena Roberts
“The joyride express for the U.S. had been cruising without one international incident during the Winter Games…And then along comes an ugly American to disrupt the feel-good vibe: Tiger Woods.”
That fucker. This Olympics would have been flawless if not for him!! Or that luger dying. Or Wayne Gretzkey making the Wayne Gretzky Needs to Poop Face. Or there actually being, you know, snow at the Winter Olympics. Nope, all Tiger’s fault. What a dick.
“The Olympic athletes deserve a break, particularly those from the U.S. Over the years they’ve performed in front of global audiences that weren’t especially warm to them. In Athens in 2004, Americans heard boos from crowds who held Bush’s Iraq policy against them. In Turin in 2006, American athletes were ridiculed for being brawlers…In Beijing two years ago, the Americans were battered for being bad guests when several cyclists arrived in smoggy China with masks over their faces. It’s always been something.”
This has absolutely nothing to do with Tiger Woods.
/slaps face
Well, sports fans. That’s about it. What’s that?? You want more of the double-exclamation point meme?? Sure!!
Great to see you in public again, Tiger!! Or Robo-Tiger!! See you at the Masters!! Or not!! Hey, Selena!! Cee yoU Next Tuesday!!
