Since The Logg is always bothering us about writing about hockey, and because I always rip on The Logg for always bothering us about writing about hockey, we’ve decided to write about hockey.  I E-Mailed The Logg to ask him, since he spend a number of years in Faux-Hoser Land (ie: Minnesota), if he would be interested in doing kind of a Q & A about the NHL and it’s prospects in Kansas City. 

Me: It’d be an E-Mail exchange column a’la Poz & Bill James, disguised as an NHL preview.  Of course, our correspondence would be much like theirs, but with lots of “fucks” and “shits” sprinkled in. 

Logg: I like it. Uh, I mean I fucking like it!

ME TOO!!  Crack open that Molson!! It’s go time!!

BELLWETHER – I grew up in Chicago until I was 11, and because NHLPA Hockey ’93 is the greatest hockey video game ever made, and the Blackhawks were the best team in that game – featuring a lineup (shift??) of Jeremy Roenick, Chris Chelios, and Eddie Belfour – my NHL knowledge pretty much begins and ends with the 1992 Chicago Blackhawks.  Being that they were swept by the Penguins in the finals that year, and that they have been the sworn enemy of the Red Wings since the league began back in, what, 1647(??), I was less than super-super excited for the “Hockey is Back!!” Stanley Cup Finals between those two teams the past two years.  Apparently, so was America, as the hockey pre-season has started with all of the pageantry a Mark McGwire Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  So, we’ll start with a very simple question: Why should I care about hockey in 2009??

LOGG – Bellwether, you ignorant slut!

What do you mean, “Why should I care about hockey?”   Why shouldn’t you care?  Tell you what; as a guy who has played hockey, watches hockey, and still plays a form of hockey (30 and over beer league roller hockey really isn’t for the purists), I will give you three reasons to care about hockey.

1. It’s the fastest and most exciting game on the planet.  Now, I understand that just about anything is going to seem more exciting than 90% of the Royals games we suffered through this summer.  But you can’t really argue with a game that moves so quickly, there’s no real time to change out your players.  They just hop on and go.  There’s 100mph laser beam slap shots, bone crushing hits into immovable walls, and end to end scoring chances.   

2. It features some of the greatest and most talented athletes in the world.  Malkin, Crosby, Ovechkin, Heatly, Kovalchuk; these guys could skate by you, perform surgery on you with their sticks, and be gone without you noticing until your testicles actually fell out of your scrotum, and hit the ice.   They’re approachable, appreciative of what they have, and don’t fight dogs, rape hotel staff, or kill people while driving drunk (very often).

3. What else are you going to watch this fall?  The Chiefs???  Maybe Bobby Wade can skate.  Then we’d have something besides MMA fights to fill the Sprint Center.

So are you sold yet?  The NHL package is only $130 for the whole season.  Of course, who needs that when you get one game a week on Versus or the Food Network, or E!.  Fuck it; I can’t remember.

BELLWETHER – Hahaha!!  I thought that’d get a rise outta you…I’ll never miss an opportunity to get a rise out of Hockey Fan.  In all seriousness though, along with Bring It On: All Or Nothing, and “What a Fool Believes” by the Doobie Brothers, I list NHL Hockey as one of my, like, top 5 guilty pleasures. 

I kid, but it’s still obvious that the NHL is nowhere near the prime that it enjoyed during the Gretzky years.  It’s not for a lack of talent as you pointed out earlier, I don’t think, but what is the reason??  The Lockout, poor league management [Aah...aahhhh...*BETMAN*], a bad television contract,  over-expansion??  Though I would find it hard to believe that ESPN is refusing to air NHL games because there’s no longer any Hartford Whalers or Quebec Nordiques. 

LOGG – You don’t really think the sequel is better than the original when it comes to the Bring It On series, do you? That’s just wrong.

Honestly, you hit on a lot of the reasons for the NHL’s problems. The lockout certainly didn’t help, but it was already declining in popularity at that point. I mean, reduced revenues was the number one reason there was a work stoppage. Bettman is a tool. There is no doubt about that, but he is actually a good businessman. Over-expansion always gets blamed, but it goes deeper than that. It was expansion into markets that just didn’t have the fan base that wanted to support a hockey team. You’re telling me that the NHL was getting thousands of fans clamoring for a team in Tampa Bay? If you believe that, I have a shortstop to trade you for your best pitching prospect. There was no support for those teams. And when they struggle on the ice (like all expansion franchises as well as any franchise at all in KC) they struggle at the gate.

The real reason for the decline was the product. The game sucked for a long time. It’s the same reason that soccer doesn’t catch on here in the states no matter how much ESPN wants it to. Boring games, ties, the trap; all of these created a monster of a snoozefest. There was so much grabbing, holding, and hooking going on that the stars with all the skill in the world couldn’t showcase it. Who wants to sit through a 2 hour hockey game only to have it end in a 1-1 tie?? No one, that’s who. And it was happening every night. That’s why the playoffs were so great. No ties!!!! But it’s getting better. Get on this train, bitch! Choo choo! 

BELLWETHER – Oh, I said All Or Nothing was a “guilty” pleasure.  Eliza Dushku in a cheerleading uniform??  There’s nothing guilty about that…that’s just pleasure. (Eww…no way did that sound creepy).

You bring up a great point.  Do you think the new rules implemented after the lockout have successfully woken up the game offensively, as they were designed to do??  Personally, I miss the old four-column point system if only for the fact that explaining it made me sound (like a) smart (ass).  Have the regular-season shootouts – as well as legalizing the two-line pass, the ‘tag-up’ offside rule, etc. – done anything to bring in fans??     

LOGG – Oh, don’t feel bad about the Dushku comment. I think she is scrumptious. Maybe we both have a problem.

As for the new rules; they have helped. I like the shootouts. It allows the players that have the skills to really show them off. The two-line pass has at least opened the neutral zone, which in turn gives the skill players more space to dazzle us. The overlooked rule is the “goalie trapezoid” rule. That has really increased good hard forchecking and offensive statistics.
But in the end, are they winning new fans? Probably not yet because who is noticing?

The NHL has to get a new TV contract. They need to get someone at ESPN to believe that the product is getting better, and put it on 5 nights a week. Then you would see some new blood flowing in. That, and they need to get out of the ridiculous non-hockey markets like Phoenix and Carolina. But where oh where could you move those teams? Hmmm?

BELLWETHER – I had always thought that Knasas City would be a great city for hockey.  The town does have an NHL past with the (anybody…anybody??) KC Scouts of the 1970′s, and had a successful minor league team in the ’90′s with the Blades.  However, the fact that the Outlaws(remember them…no??) went bankrupt after one season in Kemper doesn’t bode well.  Still, I think hockey would thrive in KC, especially in comparison to other current, smaller NHL markets.  It would certainly do better than the NBA, given that we already have a professional basketball team in this town…they’re called the Kansas Jayhawks.

Still, going back to your earlier point, the most critical aspect about getting an NHL team would be to get asses in the seats, which would mean a winning team, and one would think any team desperate enough to leave the town they’re in to come to KC would be doing so because they can’t make money ie: the product on the ice sucks donkey-dick.  

This is why the situation a couple of years ago was so intriguing.  Mario Lemieux was desperate to get a new arena in Pittsburgh, so much so that he threatened to move his team, filled with young studs, to Kansas City.  Thing is, this looked legit, as his old friend Luc Robitaille was hired by AEG to find an NHL tenant for the Sprint Center.  On top of that, William “Boots” Del Baggio was signed on to run whatever team landed there.  The connection was that all three of them – Lemieux, Robitaille, and Del Baggio – were co-owners of the River City Lancers, a minor league hockey team in Omaha.  It looked to us like a perfect match.

Well, here we are three years later, dust settled, without a hockey team.  Lemieux used us like a bitch, got his new publicly-funded arena in Pittsburgh inside which will hang another championship banner, and Boots Del Baggio, our one true NHL hope, is in jail for falsifying the income statements he used to secure loans with which he bought an ownership stake in the Nashville Predators.

Did I tell you that I fucking hate the Pittsburgh Penguins?? 

LOGG – I agree that KC would be great for the NHL. Pop quiz; the scouts moved and became the… New jersey Devils. Weird.

I understand that minor league hockey has failed, but why do you think that is? Because the town doesn’t like hockey? No, it’s because minor league hockey is missing all the skill and superstars that the big league showcases. The I-Cubs draw in Des Moines because, although the players are not as good as the big leaguers, they can still hit off one another and play shitty enough together to pass as okay baseball. It doesn’t work that way in hockey. You either can pull of the breakaway spin-o-rama or you can’t. And trust me, they can’t.

The new arena will also help. Everyone likes going to nice arenas even when the team stinks so all the fans can pay each other on the back and say things like, “we have the nicest arena in the league”.

It’ll work in KC because there are only two pro teams (not counting KU), and they both stink. The NHL team would out-draw the Royals consistently. But I would try to go expansion in order to get a team. The Penguins were never leaving Pittsburgh. Everyone not from KC knew that from the beginning. Even Boots Tea-Baggio. And so, I resort back to your original question of why should you care about the NHL this season? Here’s why. The Kansas City Coyotes. That’s why. Oh, and can you call the Royals and let them know that they have been eliminated from playoff contention, and do not need to keep winning any more.

BELLWETHER – Who wins the Cup this year??

LOGG – Redwings over Sharks in the western conference.  Hurricanes over Flyers in the East.  Redwings over Canes for the Cup in 6 games.

BELLWETHER – Sharks??  Hurricanes??  Now you’re just making teams up.