Aah, good to see that ineptitude didn’t get lost on it’s annual summer trip to Kansas City. It is disheartening, however, to realize our once great and heavily touted captain Dayton Moore is the one who gave it the Garmin. If you were going to find a way to squander a solid rotation, promising young hitters, and completely undo the momentum created by a solid 2nd half of 2008, then Dayton did a pretty good job. In fact, it’d be hard to do a better job at destroying your last three years of franchise building than what Dayton has done in the last 12 months.*
* I had about a page-and-a-half of deep analysis on the subject, but fuck that…too depressing. Just know that this, in my opinion, is the reason that Farney and Uni are now starting on our fair team. Patience is a virtue that you need to posses when you take the job of General Manager of the Kansas City Royals. Dayton just does not have it. His pride got in the way. You can’t build a winner overnight. When you try to, you end up with a Shit Sandwich. I think Sun Tsu said that.
So how does one take solace in knowing that all of the good will built toward his team over the past three years has just been blowtorched?? Repeat after me:
Apparently, Mets VP for Player Development Tony Bernazard went all ape-shit on the their AA Binghampton affiliate the other day; an encounter that culminated in a bare-chested rumble challenge to middle infield prospect Jose Coronado. On top of that, he also called Coronado, to quote SI.com, “a slang term associated with a woman’s anatomy.” Until Mike Arbuckle strips down, calls Mike Moustakas* “Mulva” and threatens him to a tickle fight, I think our organizational front office can keep from moving from the “inept” column to the “embarrassing” column. And if you think I’m clutching at straws…you’re right.
* Microsoft Word Spell Check suggestion for Moustakas: Moustaches. I don’t know why, but that just made my day…
But if you can’t get all Cael Sanderson on your top prospects, how are you ever going to motivate them?? How about dressing them in this??
That’s right!! Victoria’s Secret has released a line of baseball ware as part of their Pink Collection featuring the logos of six MLB teams: The Mets, Yankees, Red Sox, White Sox,* Phillies, and Cubs. Noticeably absent are, well, all 24 other major league franchises, including the Royals.
* Really?? Yes, really. Apparently this, this, this, and this** aren’t embarrassing enough to keep Victoria from hitching her wagon to the South Side.
** That’s the greatest picture ever taken, by the way…
But this, by all means, doesn’t mean that we deserve to have our logo splattered along the bodies of the hottest women on the planet; on the contrary. So, here’s where this whole round-about, hyper-link’d, rambling blog post comes full circle:
What article of undergarment best represents The Royals??
The Beckham Speedo:
Designed to reduce drag when you’re swimming implies that in order to wear it, you have to be able to swim, which the Royals cannot do. Every time they get in the pool, they sink to the bottom. Plus, in order to wear one, you have to have good makeup, which the Royals so obviously do not. I mean, in all seriousness, if I looked like that, I’d have to cut a love hole in the mirror. (Shit…did I just type that out loud??)
The Georges St. Pierre:
The UFC fighter wears a modified Speedo of sorts which makes it hard for his opponents to grab onto during a fight. GSP is French Canadian, likes to grapple half-naked with men, and only scored a 17% Hetero score on the Twitter Gay-Dar. By those facts alone, he would seem highly effeminate and as non-threatening as the Royals lineup. GSP, however, will kick the ever-loving shit out of you. And we all know the Royals are never any threat to do that.
The Fat Guy From Jackass’ Tighty-Whities:
On the surface, this would look like the perfect match. They’re large, insufficient, lumpy, and sure to have a giant skid-mark on the back side. They Royals, however are more like the dook-stain themselves, rather than the canvas onto which said dook-stain is painted. No, the Fat Guy From Jackass’ Tighty-Whities come in a close second to:
The Borat:
Funny looking: check. Inadequate coverage: check. Impossible to look at: check. A total pain in the ass to wear or work with: check. This is the perfect undergarment to describe the Royals. Unfortunately, Adriana Lima wouldn’t be caught dead in one. Guess we’ll just have to live with a hairy Kazakh reporter. Such is life with the Royals. JAGSHEMASH.
Mike Moustaches indeed.
