Dear Larry Johnson,
First off, thank you. Thank you for everything that you did back in 2005 and 2006. When Priest Holmes went down with a hip injury that made us all cringe, you were there to “take the diapers off”, and pick up where he left off. You were awesome. Seeing you dive into the end zone with no time left to win a game against the Raiders was so cool. Watching you barrel through the middle of defenses was amazing. You never were going to break away from a chasing tackler, but you didn’t care. You had no intention of being tackled by him anyway. You would just carry him with you into the end zone again. So yeah, do we owe you some praise? Absolutely. Did you make KC Chiefs football enjoyable for us fans for a few years? No doubt. You were great. Thanks.
That being said, fuck off. Go away. We don’t owe you a thing. You have made your millions. Whether or not you have any of them left is quite another question. We don’t care. Go anywhere; just don’t come back here. And don’t think that we ever want you back here. Did I really hear this quote from you yesterday?
“Hopefully, maybe someday, when I’m 33, 34, and I’ve still got a little bit of burn left, they’ll let me come back and get those yards.”
This made me feel like I was in the middle of dumping a girlfriend, and she just asked if we were going to remain close. Uh, no. No thanks. Look, I know that we are not a good football team. We are young. We need to get some more talent. But what we don’t need is you, your 1.8 ypc this season, you off the field shenanigans, your Twitter account, or your name on the Chiefs’ record books.
I know that someone will sign you. It may even be this week. Lord knows there are enough shitty teams in the NFL. Maybe they can use you. You claim to have “competitive issues”. I guess “competitive issues” roughly translates to “I have no idea how to act like an adult or how to be appreciative of all the blessings I have in life”. So yeah, enjoy Washington D.C. or Tampa Bay. You won’t be missed.
So many times, over the last few years, you screwed up. You would get caught, your agent would issue a statement, you would apologize, promise that you would change, and then never live up to your word. Here is another quote from you yesterday:
“I started in Kansas City,” Johnson said. “I wouldn’t have no problem going back and trying to finish my career in Kansas City.”
I pray that you re-read, and live up to that statement, moron.
Regards,
L. Wood Kellogg
